Taking Responsibility For Your Own Care

[anthony]

You cannot stop the impact of PTSD on someone for whom you care. But there is a great deal that you can do to take responsibility for your personal well being and to get your own needs met.

Identifying Personal Barriers

Many times, attitudes and beliefs form personal barriers that stand in the way of caring for yourself. Not taking care of yourself may be a lifelong pattern, with taking care of others an easier option. However, as a family caregiver you must ask yourself, "What good will I be to the person I care for if I become ill? If I die?" Breaking old patterns and overcoming obstacles is not an easy proposition, but it can be done—regardless of your age or situation. The first task in removing personal barriers to self-care is to identify what is in your way. For example:

• Do you feel you have to prove that you are worthy of the care recipient's affection?
• Do you think you are being selfish if you put your needs first?
• Is it frightening to think of your own needs? What is the fear about?
• Do you have trouble asking for what you need? Do you feel inadequate if you ask for help? Why?
• Sometimes caregivers have misconceptions that increase their stress and get in the way of good self-care. Here are some of the most commonly expressed:
• I am responsible for my loved one's health.
• If I don't do it, no one will.
• If I do it right, I will get the love, attention, and respect I deserve.

"I never do anything right," or, "There's no way I could find the time to exercise," are examples of negative "self-talk," another possible barrier that can cause unnecessary anxiety. Instead, try positive statements: "I'm good at communicating with John." "I can exercise for 30 minutes a day." Remember, your mind believes what you tell it. Because we base our behaviour on our thoughts and beliefs, attitudes and misconceptions like those noted above can cause caregivers to continually attempt to do what cannot be done, to control what cannot be controlled. The result is feelings of continued failure and frustration and, often, an inclination to ignore your own needs. Ask yourself what might be getting in your way and keeping you from taking care of yourself.

Moving Forward

Once you've started to identify any personal barriers to good self-care, you can begin to change your behavior, moving forward one small step at a time. Following are some effective tools for self-care that can start you on your way:

Tool #1: Reducing Personal Stress

How we perceive and respond to an event is a significant factor in how we adjust and cope with it. The stress you feel is not only the result of your caregiving situation but also the result of your perception of it - whether you see the glass as half-full or half-empty. It is important to remember that you are not alone in your experiences. Your level of stress is influenced by many factors, including the following:

• Whether your caring is voluntary. If you feel you had no choice in taking on the responsibilities, the chances are greater that you will experience strain, distress, and resentment.
• Your relationship with the care recipient. Sometimes people care for another with the hope of healing a relationship. If healing does not occur, you may feel regret and discouragement.
• Your coping abilities. How you coped with stress in the past predicts how you will cope now. Identify your current coping strengths so that you can build on them.
• Your caregiving situation. Some caregiving situations are more stressful than others. For example, caring for a sufferer who is in crisis is more stressful than caring for someone who is in the management stage.
• Whether or not outside support is available.

Steps to Managing Stress

• Recognize warning signs early. These might include irritability, sleep problems, and forgetfulness. Know your own warning signs, and act to make changes. Don't wait until you are overwhelmed.
• Identify sources of stress. Ask yourself, "What is causing stress for me?" Sources of stress might be too much to do, family disagreements, feelings of inadequacy, inability to say no.
• Identify what you can and cannot change. Remember, we can only change ourselves; we cannot change another person. When you try to change things over which you have no control, you will only increase your sense of frustration. Ask yourself, "What do I have some control over? What can I change?" Even a small change can make a big difference. The challenge we face as carers is well expressed in words from the Serenity Prayer: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.
• Take action. Taking some action to reduce stress gives us back a sense of control. Stress reducers can be simple activities like walking and other forms of exercise, gardening, meditation, or having coffee with a friend. Identify some stress reducers that work for you.

Tool #2: Setting Goals

Setting goals or deciding what you would like to accomplish in the next three to six months is an important tool for taking care of yourself. Here are some sample goals you might set:

• Take a break from caregiving.
• Get help from others.
• Feel more healthy.

Goals are generally too big to work on all at once. We are more likely to reach a goal if we break it down into smaller action steps. Once you've set a goal, ask yourself, "What steps do I take to reach my goal?" Make an action plan by deciding which step you will take first, and when. Then get started!

Example: Goal and Action Steps - Goal: Feel more healthy. Possible action steps:

• Make an appointment for a physical check-up.
• Take an evening off for yourself once a week.
• Join a gym and exercise there 3 times a week.

Tool #3: Seeking Solutions

Seeking solutions to difficult situations is, of course, one of the most important tools in caring. Once you've identified a problem, taking action to solve it can change the situation and also change your attitude to a more positive one, giving you more confidence in your abilities.

Steps for Seeking Solutions

• Identify the problem. Look at the situation with an open mind. The real problem might not be what first comes to mind. For example, you think that the problem is simply that you are tired all the time, when the more basic difficulty is your belief that "no one can care for John like I can." The problem? Thinking that you have to do everything yourself.
• List possible solutions. One idea is to try a different perspective: "Even though someone else provides help to John in a different way than I do, it can be just as good." Ask a friend to help.
• Select one solution from the list. Then try it!
• Evaluate the results. Ask yourself how well your choice worked.
• Try a second solution. If your first idea didn't work, select another. But don't give up on the first; sometimes an idea just needs fine tuning.
• Use other resources. Ask friends, family members and professionals for suggestions.
• If nothing seems to help, accept that the problem may not be solvable now. You can revisit it at another time.

Note: All too often, we jump from step one to step seven and then feel defeated and stuck. Concentrate on keeping an open mind while listing and experimenting with possible solutions.

Tool #4: Communicating Constructively

Being able to communicate constructively is one of a caregiver's most important tools. When you communicate in ways that are clear, assertive and constructive, you will be heard and get the help and support you need. The box below shows basic guidelines for good communication.

Communication Guidelines

• Use "I" messages rather than "you" messages. Saying, "I feel angry," rather than, "You made me angry," enables you to express your feelings without blaming others or causing them to become defensive.
• Respect the rights and feelings of others. Do not say something that will violate another person's rights or intentionally hurt the person's feelings. Recognize that the other person has the right to express feelings.
• Be clear and specific. Speak directly to the person. Don't hint or hope the person will guess what you need. Other people are not mind readers. When you speak directly about what you need or feel, you are taking the risk that the other person might disagree or say no to your request, but that action also shows respect for the other person's opinion. When both parties speak directly, the chances of reaching understanding are greater.
• Be a good listener. Listening is the most important aspect of communication.