Talking About It But Still Have PTSD

[millicentcat]

I was in a very abusive relationship for 6 years, from the time I was 17 until I was 23. I got out of the relationship alive because I got lucky. But even when it was over, I feared for my life and the lives of people close to me for a long time (about 5 more years). When I got out of the relationship, even though I told stories about the abuse, I wasn't really facing what had happened to me. I would tell some extreme story and then be like, "Yup, that's what happened . . . ha ha ha" - like it was no big deal.

I can still talk about it pretty easily, and I've been told that being able to talk about it is the key to getting over it. But talk about it or not, I'm still suffering from many PTSD symptoms (like anxiety, emotional flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, occasionaly nightmares). Plus, I can talk about it, but I can't remember a lot of it very well - at this point, I'm just telling stories I know by heart. Does anyone else know what I mean? Has anyone else experienced this?

 

[FightingLily]

Absolutely, I too was in an abusive relationship...one that almost ended my life in 2003. I went through a 3 month period of agoraphobia. I felt alone, underserved by the justice system, and out of control. My family was not very supportive--I'd lost all of my friends too. It didn't help that he stalked me for almost 5 years and was so slippery that he wasn't caught and tried until June 2008. Since his incarceration, I've strived for gaining back my life- and I've had some progress.

It isn't difficult for me to talk about what happened during the course of the relationship now... but the details of the final most traumatic day sends me into a complete meltdown. For a long time, my memories of what happened over that period of time were very sketchy. And this confused me because I have a really good (almost photographic) memory. Therapy and hard work, brought those memories to the surface- which weren't pleasant. In therapy, I was able to process my traumas, and have shown enough progress to take a break from the weekly sessions. On occasion, I am off kilter and symptoms flare. That's why I am still here.

I often describe my trauma as a big black hairy mole on the tip of my nose---everyone knows about it, and sees it, but they all act as if it isn't there. Does this make sense?
I suppose your reaction to telling an extreme story (yup.. hahaha) is you separating yourself from the trauma and downplaying it like it was no big deal. But we both know the scars of mental, emotional, verbal, and physical abuse from an inimate partner doesn't heal as fast or as completely as we want them to. Otherwise, the symptoms wouldn't be there right? So I completely understand you.

I have a feeling you and I will be good friends here. I look forward to your reply.
Lily

 

[anni]

Ha! I know exactly what you're talking about! To a point, that is. I don't generally talk about it much so you're way beyond me there. I just don't remember an awful lot of things very well. One of the reasons I haven't been able to put together a diary is because I just for the life of me cannot get 'things' together in my head. I know some things happened at a certain times due to hospital or court documents, or something a famiy member told me, but I either don't remember that specifically or I 'have it' in the wrong time frame in my head. Other times I'll remember something after my memory has been prompted but not the circumstances. I'm not explaining it very well, I know, because so much is still a muddle for me.

Some things are terribly, terribly clear, so I have no idea why others are gone or just fuzzy .Mine went on for a fairly long time frame also.

I think it's probably a really good thing you've been able to talk about your events because it will absolutely help you put the pieces together and heal. I didn't talk about it soon enough and now can't very well. although did finally have years of very good therapy. My diary is a convoluted mess sitting in my files because I just can't put the pieces together. You sound like you're much closer to being able to being clear about things because you have talked about your abuse.

It does sound like you're working hard at healing, and have to say I do admire your ability to speak of what you wen through. Even though you feel as if you're almost telling a story in a detatched manner, you're still telling it, which is what matters.

Take care,

Anni

 

[Farine]

Milli,
I'm a new member here too, but I understand your post. I have a question: can you identify your triggers? Those moments when you suddenly experience a powerful feeling or have the memory? WHether or not you can piece everything together, for practical purposes of day to day living, I think knowing and understanding your triggers rates higher on the list. For example, I used to have strong reactions to being in 65 degree temperatures. That was the temperature of the whole house and I was not allowed to change the temperature. I know that when I feel that degree, I'll be likely to feel anxious and scared. I still don't know exactly what horrible thing happened to make me connect 65 degrees and the feelings, but I'm confident that it will surface. For me, it's being willing to work on what has surfaced that has given me the best results. Good luck!

 

[suzie q]

I can relate to the "reporting" of extreme trauma as if I'm talking about the weather.

Years ago, for me, I felt like if I talked about it, it would eventually go away. Well, part of that is true...talking therapy is healing and will allow you to process the trauma and not have as many harsh reactions to life. My problem was that I was being my own therapist. It wasn't until I went to see professionals that I truly started to heal...first from remembering, then from feeling. Reporting is a way to not feel. I guess it is a survival mechanism, but not truly healing the pain. Some people chuckle when they report because they are really uncomfortable and don't wish to pass that on to who they are talking to.

Telling the stories I know by heart helped me have some control over my reactions to the trauma/s. It wasn't until I was in therapy and had written my whole life story in order that I realized there were chunks I didn't remember. That drove me crazy, so reporting was the option I chose for so many years. I found that alot of my symptoms were reactions to lost memories, so had to work on that to learn how to control PTSD.

The main thing for me was not to let myself run away from processing these lapses. I was so afraid I would find the very WORST thing, lose my mind and never come back. That was a LIE my symptoms were telling me to not feel. I love to dissociate. That got me no where. Had to take things slowly and be willing to go to any lengths to get better. It does get better, I promise. Just take baby steps and reach out for help.

We'll be here for you while you travel that road...
See ya around....suzie q

 

[RosieNorth]

Hi Milli, I can certainly relate to "telling stories you know by heart." I feel like I often do that, sometimes to get an emotional reaction from other people, so that then I know what I'm supposed to be feeling. Most of the time I feel like my life is a novel I read about somebody else's life.
Since pretty much everybody in my family downplays the abuse or denies it, sometimes I need to hear from somebody, anybody, that it's real and really bad. After a while maybe I'll believe that too.
Every now and then I do get a sudden flash of real emotion about the abuse, which is overwhelmingly horrifying but I suppose it does tell me something I need to know. It never comes when I'm expecting it though.
I wish you all the best in your healing, and since you've made it this far, remember the worst(the abuse) is over.

 

[millicentcat]

Thanks, Lily. There are definitely things I don't remember. I just kind of gloss over them or fill in gaps when I tell the stories. But there are details from the final day (also most traumatic - was going to write "very traumatic" but then realized that was me kind of trying to downplay it again), that I can't remember - specifically the timeline. I know some things happened before others, but then there's this muddled middle part where I can't figure out the sequence of events. I know certain things happened - like him closing a window - but can't place it in the rest of the events. Admittedly, right now, I'm not really trying to place it, again kind of talking from a story I know by heart rather than really trying to think about it. Just don't want to go there right now, especially since I'm feeling calmer today. In fact, I didn't even really want to return here, to this forum, but I came back today because I'm trying to face things and usually I just go into extreme denial and "I'm fine" mode after I have a flashback like the one that prompted me to write in the first place. I don't want to do that again. (I'm writing this last bit more for myself than for anyone else).

 

[millicentcat]

Thanks everyone for responding.

Suzie Q - What you wrote about reporting it as if you're talking about the weather is exactly how it feels at times.
RosieNorth - What you said about getting an emotional reaction from other people so you know what you're supposed to feel make sense, too.
Anni - I also feel like I can't really piece stuff together. Even though I've talked about it - it's just specific events - they kind of serve as place holders for all of it - but really trying to figure out what else was going on, what else happened over the course of those six years, is hard. I don't know half of what happened or how to organize any of it.
Farine - I do know one of my triggers really well - but it's hard for me to write about it. It's being left alone for long periods of time. That whole statement has to be qualified, though. "Left alone" isn't really the right word - it's me being alone and not having phone/text/email contact with my husband for a period of time. I start to feel like I've been "left alone" or "abandoned" and this feeling is a sign that a full blown flashback is coming. "Long periods of time" can vary, too. Sometimes it starts to happen after an hour or two. Other times it takes several hours to set in. And still other times, it doesn't happen at all. He's been on overnight trips without me, and I've been fine. It's embarassing to admit this. I'm not sure exactly why it happens when it does happen, though I do have some ideas about why it happens at all or in general. When I'm with other people or at work, and he's gone, it helps - other people/work are a distraction. I keep thinking, as I write, "How pathetic!" That's probably not much of a help, though.

This is hard to post. I think I need to say it, though. But I don't want, too. :(

Does anyone else have a hard time being alone?

 

[millicentcat]

Was just looking at other posts and now want to qualify one thing - by "full blown flashback" - I'm really referring to emotional flashbacks and sometimes to "daydream" like flashbacks. I've never had a flashback where I really believe that I am somewhere that I am not (like in the past). For that, I feel very lucky. I have woken up from dreams and been confused, but only for a moment - when that happens and I get oriented I feel a huge sense of relief that I'm in the present.

 

[Farine]

Hello Milli,
I have a hard time being alone. I have developed different ways of coping with it. There's different versions of it. One version is romantic. I'm missing that intimate connection with my husband. If he and I are on the 'outs' then he could be right next to me and I 'd be struggling with it.

Another version is 'family'.. a kind of homesickness. There are fortunately a lot of people who can 'plug' into that type of connection.
I totally want to give you props on successfully posting what you did. AWESOME! That's huge!!!! And no, it's not pathetic. IT's healing. And that's always a good thing. A year ago, I doubt you were in a place where you could even consider looking at it.

 

[Tiger Kitten]

Being alone is one of the hardest things for me. It really messes with me. I am trying to work through that now, but some days it's just so hard to handle.

I also used to do the reporting thing. It doesn't really do any good unless you can feel what you are reporting. At least for me it didn't. Have to connect the feelings to the memories to be able to put them in storage where they belong. Have to feel them now because I couldn't then. Have to connect and make it real to be able to process it.

Tiger

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Its not just about being able to tell your story. Its about being able to tell your story with emotions that do not overwhelm you. I can sit here and tell my story all day long, but I am numb throughout the entire process, and it does not help me to heal. I know that I need to work on my numbing out, but first I am working on my coping skills so that once I am able to tell my story with emotion, it does not overwhelm me. Make sense?