Other Tbi???

[Virtues]

Ayesha - I have 0 support. I use to have a buddy, but he got out 6 months ago. We're downsizing right now, and I'm in the paygrade they're streamlineing. I'm one of the last faces I knew when I came here. I'm actually the second longest stationed person at my current location (not to be confused with the highest ranking) anyway, I just saw a pic of my buddy yesterday. he got out and kind of fell off the grid. we were the same yet polar opposites, we balanced each other out I think. Anyways he was the last real friend I had here.

Kiefer - I know I could get a med board for my back, it's pretty cut and dry, but I just want to walk out with my head up, same way I walked in. But you're right. I always thought I'd either fight the fight and when the war ended move on, or come home with a flag over my coffin. I never dreamed in a million years I'd wearing a tinfoil hat talking to a lamp post in incoherent sentence fragments. If I didn't have daughters who adored me I can honestly say I wish that IED would've just finished me off.

 

[Virtues]

I'm seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist on base (witch doctors) also seeing a civilian neurologist. Seeing a physical therapist and a pain-management specialist for my back (both civilians). I even did a reconciliation of medication because of potential side effects. I honestly think they just jacked me up so bad from keeping me on muscle relaxers for almost a year, in combination with 3000mg of Neurotin, in combination with injecting steroids into my spine, before even knowing what was wrong with me because it was more cost effective to push meds then it was to figure it out. Now I'm just suffering long term effects on top of what was already wrong with me. But the good news is, the military saved a bunch of money, the taxpayers think they saved a bunch of money, and the pharmaceutical companies actually made a bunch of money.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have 0 support.

What about your wife? I know you said she attempted suicide, that must have been very hard on your marriage.

I can honestly say I wish that IED would've just finished me off

I am sorry you feel that way. Have you shared with your psychologist or psychiatrist that you are having these morbid thoughts? (that is what I call them, I get them too).

 

[keifer]

I was asked what I really wanted. I dont know career wise. What do know deep down, I want to take care of myself and find myself again.

 

[Virtues]

Ayesha - I'm not that good at spelling so I call them the witch doctors, but yes I told them. They told me in spite not being able to see it I am showing an incredible amount of restraint and discipline and I am considerably more focused than I give myself credit for. I surly don't feel that way. My wife and I are strangers that share a home. She is just someone that spends my paycheck and calls it "ours" to me. I've expressed my desires to reconnect with her, but since the suicide she's become isolated and reclusive, and my PTSD has caused me to become the same. We've become a rather caustic mix.

Keifer - What "I" want is my career and my MOS back. What I think is best for the country is something different. Like Tympre had said in an above post, I work in an MOS that is someone is "unable" to perform, then someone gets hurt really bad or worse. And, I'm not even talking about deployed, I'm talking about in garrison as well. If I do my job, I need to be able to do it entirely. I don't want to compromise my integrity just to continue doing what "I" love. I'm hoping I can get stronger than I am now, but I just don't feel comfortable where I'm at right now. I feel like I would compromise my team.

Also, I been having terrible episodes of sleep paralysis when I finally do sleep. Has this happened to anyone. It is the most awful thing.

 

[keifer]

I had something like that one night falling asleep. That was freaky. My dreams/nightmares lately I dont recall, I dont want to either.

I cant help but I also know the system is unfair to so many who deserve so much more.

 

[novemberDark]

Florian7051, did you stop after the first persons reaction from your unit?

Maybe they're just scared. I'm glad you were scared about going amoc and are protective.

I think that people sometimes back away when touch time hits because they know it could be them, same as being confronted with their own mortality.

Sorry sounds like a hell of a catch 22.
Having a NO GO for support is really bad.

 

[novemberDark]

NoYou sound to me so strong (hope you can see that too).
When your own physique gets beaten down it tops it really up!. Don't take this the wrong way, I don't feel sorry for you, how could I, you're tough ?.

Didn't stop you from acknowledging/ recognizing.

I wish you well, and I hope you'll be able to make decision's that are best for you (without getting screwed over).

I don't think you held grounds all by yourself either before! (Impossible when out numbered, last time I checked).

 

[Virtues]

Yeah, because it happened 7 years ago, I don't really talk to many people I knew from back then, maybe a half dozen or so, and unfortunately only 2 of us were in the same platoon. out of the 2, one I was close to during the deployment and am not now. The other I was close to before the deployment but not during, so I don't know how much insight he could give me as far as an honest evaluation. So really it's just that one. I tried to locate the other 3 guys that were blown up with me, but all 3 got out and I can't find them. This is where my command comes into play, or in this case doesn't. I asked if they could help me locate them through service records, and they also reacted similarly. I don't feel like I can do this on my own. I don't understand why I can go into combat, be shot at, mortared, blown up, and never had a care in the world, but this scares me. Why do people think I'm such a loser over this? I have the medical documentation, and I just want what's best for my family.

 

[novemberDark]

Man, it's just like with any other system I guess (anger when it's being taken advantagd off, identifying when its not).
Not even talking about the system itself wanting to (shave bare with cut backs).

I sure wish that some guys, once out of the army would bring their nuts back with them!.

Hope you turn deaf to what was said to you on the phone.

Family comes first (army is family too , or so I thought), but that changes when back to civilian life. You're your only commander now.

By the way my spelling isn't so great either.

YOU know what you deserve and that is not a question mark.

I don't even want to go there but look what happend to the Guy's that came back from nam. That was a disgrace !.

 

[novemberDark]

It's now your family on the line, wouldn't be much good to them if you were 'present' in a coffin with a flag.
maybey that's where the fear comes from. Sure glad you got it back (as wacked as that sounds).

Sounds like a roadblock, to not even let you try to find the others.

I assume your not much of a paper pusher yourself, so hope there's some support to somehow push through to that system.

 

[Virtues]

It's funny, because the guys that were in the truck with me. One of them hated me, and I mean "HATED" me, but if I told him what was going on, and he connected the dots, I know he'd be like... "Oh yeah that makes sense because you did this, that, and the other, and than this and that happened, so on and so forth..." Yet the people that knew me, that I thought were my friends, saw me leave in a truck, and saw me come back in the same truck with no blood, and now just assume I looking for a handout. It's funny how everything plays out.

And I'm not saying I wish to be dead, I know my family needs me, but this is miserable. If I didn't have a family and I had the choice of this or having died honorably in combat, I definitely would've chose to been buried with my mind in tact. I guess it's not an option so we play the hands we're dealt I just want to clarify just because I have morbid thoughts or desires doesn't necessarily make me suicidal. Now homicidal, I don't think so, but I'll tell you the truth, I'm really afraid one day I'm going to act on my impulses and probably F somebody up, and that thought scares me. I know I'm capable of really hurting someone, and what really scares me is if it happens when I'm behind the wheel of a car. I don't want to be the

"ex-military member kills civilian in a motor vehicle hit and run"

"...yeah I knew him, he was such a quiet guy, I never would've though he was capable of something like this"
"...yeah we all knew he wasn't right but we never imagined..."
"...he was always so polite..."

I think about the things I've seen, and the things I've done, and wonder how I'm going to react the first time some snot nose punk tells me to "GET A LIFE"!

Or a better, more real world example. I just had to run to WalMart to get supplies for a school project. I don't do good in WalMart, especially midday Saturday on a military payday weekend. I walked passed a woman telling another woman how she hit a 3rd woman (not present obviously) with a bible, as her son was using a tube mailer as a pretend sword to knock peanut butter containers off the shelf. Can you imagine that? Using the Holy Bible as a weapon? Not metaphorically, Actually!!! HA!!! I LOST IT!!! I actually did an eye and neck twitch and envisioned putting her in a guillotine (headlock) and breaking her neck, then back hand slapping the woman she was talking to, then grabbing the little boy by the throat and squeezing until my fingers touched and ripping out his esophagus and watching the look on his face as he bled out at the neck.

Then I came back to reality and said "HOLY SHIT I NEED TO GET OUT OF WALMART" I left with 4 items in my cart. I can't keep living like this. I may not kill anyone, but what happens that one day when I take things too far?