Sexual Assault Tea, consent, and the marriage bed

[scout86]

If I was complicit that reinforces some things I know to be true about myself

What if you're wrong about those things? Are they things you like about yourself?

 

[desiderata310]

Are they things you like about yourself?

Aww come on, @scout86 you've known me long enough to know that neither of these leaves me liking myself. It's not going to be as simple picking the lesser of to evils. Both have their drawbacks that need to be explored in a more private forum. Both are fraught with peril from where I stand. I've been able to stay away from this till I got body slammed with the anniversary this year.

 

[Deadman]

Honestly?

Of course :)

If I was not complicit, this makes what happened a trauma that is too life defining.

I'm not sure any of us get much choice there.

I don't know if it helps but I've been asking myself many of the same questions you are now. The context is entirely different but the questions are essentially the same.

 

[scout86]

you've known me long enough

True. I just really WANT you to like yourself. :) And, I'd like you to at least consider the possibility that your assessments haven't always been accurate. You know how hard most everyone here can be on themselves. I know it's hard to think you might do that to yourself. I get that considering the possibility is frightening. (Really I do. Kind of been there in a slightly different way.)

 

[desiderata310]

I'm not sure any of us get much choice there.

I think this is where I often default to the idea: better the devil you know than the one you don't.

 

[Deadman]

I'll match your answers as if the questions were asked of me.

If I was complicit that reinforces some things I know to be true about myself

I'm complicit. There is something broken inside me. I deserve the pain I feel now.

If I was not complicit, this makes what happened a trauma that is too life defining.

I wasn't complicit. I did what I thought what was best. I did what I had to do to survive. But somehow I still feel the pain.

Those are my answers to the questions I asked you. I've answered those questions both ways. The answer changes from day to day. But no matter how I answer them it doesn't change the choices I have today.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Doing what you had to do to survive rape is too life defining? How about it is defining you as strong, someone that got away and is still alive! Someone that helps others! Someone that has a voice!

And getting to deal with all of this shit:

Consent: :bored: Hate self.:speechless: Lie to self. :cautious: Destroy self identity

Rape: :banghead: Face that You Had No Control. :bag: Humiliation.:shifty: Trust in humanity is gone. :bored: Hate self
:cautious: Destroy self identity :nailbiting: fear

I could be wrong on these because I was raped and constantly try to convince myself that I wasn't. But I also gave consent to my rapist a month later. So... yup. And I have no idea how to handle any of it.

 

[desiderata310]

This part of the conversation would be more beneficial and appropriate in my diary. I'll try to post there again soon.

 

[anonymous]

@anonymous. Don't, it usually ended up being good sex!!!!!

Only thing is, anyone reading this....might think that it's fine to do it/let it happen anyway then. And it's not, if their partner doesn't want it. It's abusive. It's actually showing you don't give a damn about your partner and that you think their body is yours for the taking whenever you want it.

Everyone's different though, and what two adults agree is ok - or not ok - in their relationship, is entirely their business.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@anonymous. I Think you've made YOUR point very clear. My point is that in MY relationship we had sex even when we didn't feel like it at the time, because it's what we did. It wasn't abuse, in my opinion. It would have been abuse if he had demanded it, I said no and he did it anyway. That WAS NOT a the case.

Your relationship was different. All relationships are different and what works in one, may not work in another. I'm done replying to you now!!!!!

 

[anonymous]

I think this conversation was the bomb. I was in here lurking and I put a couple things out there but I just couldn't really participate? Cuts a little too deep still I guess. I don't think there is any right or one answer. It's such a difficult issue and the level of conversation was really great so, this is an excellent board. If you can discuss something like this and not having people bugging out, (I'm sure people were upset but they must police this so you can't go flaming people) you can discuss anything. Thank you.

 

[shimmerz]

But he didn't like the 'sometimes' aspect and wanted that role play to be EVERY time.

Role play in this case meant that "no" wasn't allowed.
But I wasn't role playing.

This is NON consensual NON Consent.

There is such a thing in dynamic role playing as consensual non consent. But that is where someone has given their consent to NOT ever be given the option to be non consenual.

Any other form of non consent is rape. And stating that it is the fault of the person who has been put into a non consensual role without their consent (implicit) is abusive and manipulative and cowardly. Period. That's called rape. It isn't a sticky topic at all imho.