It's totally your choice to go or not go. If you have thought it through, and weighed the pros and cons of all the options, and feel this is the best way to improve how things are going now, then you have all the freedom to do that.
Some things to keep in mind as you evaluate your next steps:
They actually can't terminate you at any time for no reason and leave you without options.That would be patient abandonment and there are laws to protect against it from happening.
You have been going it alone, for a long time, and trying to make yourself better. Your have poured so much hard work into trying to do it on your own, and nearly lost your life trying.
It seems like you see this as total surrender to people you can't trust because they could abandon you OR doing it all on your own. I believe there are other options other than such all or nothing options.
I also want to validate that reaching out for help and risking being abandoned is really hard. I've been through it myself, and I've been suddenly abandoned more than once. For awhile, I did it all alone, and some of that was good, some of it left me very stuck.
It is really awful to go through being abandoned, and I get why you are scared. I pursued options of working with people to get help because I became so desperate for something to change that I decided even if they left me, it was worth it. For awhile, I had to see therapists like they were coaches, or consultants, and I held a lot of info back. I went into it like I was there to learn a few skills and then move on. I totally devalued the value of the relationship to a degree that perhaps wasn't healthy, but it allowed me to get in the door and start learning very different and new ways of doing life. Some group therapies are especially like taking a class, where we had to take notes and do homework and still get didn't share personal info that much. I could get through entire group therapy sessions without saying anything about my own life. I still learned so much by getting to know others and the advice th therapists gave them in groups.
I'm living proof one doesn't have to trust therapists to get better. In fact, for those who deal with trauma a lot, there is a high expectation that clients will distrust the therapists. Trust is good, but it's not actually a requirement. Talking helps, but you don't have to share it all, or even much, especially not in the groups that are done in most day programs.
Maybe a day program is too much. Maybe a once a week DBT groups would seem more doable. Or maybe for now, your path is to pour all you have into things like self help workbooks. There are some really solid workbooks out there, some that are very worthwhile.
Most of all, I hope you hang on to the commitment to get better. I hope you find the options that fit you the best soon, because you deserve to be able to live the kind of life you want to live. You are smart and funny and compassionate and you are of great value.
What are your next steps?
