Telling Family.

[Wyakin]

I am curious as to who here have told their families about their PTSD?

I have had several people comment to me that it is surprising that my family do not know what is going on with me at the moment. I generally reply I have my reasons and refuse to say more.

The main reason is that my Dad already carries a huge amount of guilt because I would not have been working where I was when my worst trauma happened if it hadn't been for him. I do not blame him and it is not his fault at all but he still blames himself. I cannot bring myself to tell him that now, 6 years later, I am really struggling because of it. I know it would kill him to know.

I also have my selfish reasons for it. I enjoy seeing my Dad and because he doesn't know what is going on he treats me normally. I like that. I like that he doesn't look at me with sadness in his eyes or worry. I know he is slightly concerned about my health due to sudden weight loss but he is putting it down to the extra stress at work. He is my island of calm in this ocean of storms.

So have you told your family? If so have you told all? Maybe I should tell my Dad, he would be a huge support but I hate to see him upset when he is finally happy. Or advantage of living on my own is that I can hide my rough moments from those around me simply by not allowing them in.

 

[arfie]

I am green with envy over your reason for not telling your family. Most of my family does not know because there is not a fiber in my being that believes they would care. They turn mean and spiteful when I get anywhere near the subject.

In your case, I am wondering if letting him know would offer him the opportunity to heal his guilt. I also wonder if hiding your rough moments might be a form of isolating... Just wondering. You are the one with the facts.

I think I am in love with your dad. But... One internet post is not allot of insight and my own parental relations leave ALLOT of room for transference.

 

[madmax]

Help him help you.

Also very envious.

Max

 

[Wyakin]

I love my Dad. I am so very lucky to have him. He is a fabulous man who cares so deeply for his family. We speak every other day on the the phone for an hour. I can quite happily spend hours just talking about stuff with him even if I only saw him the day before. He will do anything for me and my brother. He is one of those special people who just cares with no expectations of anything in return.

I do agree though @arfie that it is a form of isolating. I am doing it more and more these days. I no longer reach out to people, just avoid the subject and everything seems ok.

 

[Justmehere]

Chances are, he already knows or guesses the trauma still affects you... maybe letting him in on your diagnosis will help both of you heal.'

I told my less than supportive family, and it wasn't the disaster I feared. It motivated my brother to get help. It did help me too. My brother and I became closer. Regardless of their reaction, it was part of my process to reclaim the truth and my voice and to face things that I had been avoiding for so long.

 

[FindingMyself88]

telling family members can be a tough line to cross. My mom, stepdad, his parents, my real dad, my cousin, and my Aunt on my dad's side know. All for different reasons. Due to a head injury, my mom was here when I started having severe nightmares. My doctor mentioned PTSD at the time and referred me to a psych. So my mom was here for that. Thus my stepdad, and his parents found out when I got admitted into the psych hospital.

I too envy you your dad. My real dad was abusive, then abandoned me and showed back up in 2010. Now we have a very awkward relationship. He tries, I will give him that much. Since him and my mom both caused me trauma as a child, I decided he should know since she does as well. However, he doesn't really know details (such as my suicide attempt) and he thinks its from my life in general.

My Aunt and cousin are the only people I wanted to tell as they are a huge support for me. They also know about me being admitted to hospital.

None of these people do I just share intricate details with except for my cousin. She is actually my stepdad's cousin, so my second cousin by marriage. I talk to her the least because she is so busy, but yet she knows the most. She was who I had my roommate call when I got admitted into hospital and she told the others.

 

[Echo]

@Wyakin - just turn the tables. If it was your son or daughter and you didn't know, despite the great love you had for that child, how they were suffering.... I think you might be very hurt that he/she didn't confide in you, so that you had the opportunity to do all you could to love him/her even harder. So many of us have rotten parents. Your dad might be shocked or angry to start with about what happened to you, but to have your dad stand up for you and want to support you might just provide an extra, very important layer of emotional safety for you. So much of the trauma so many of us have experienced when abused by parents is due to the betrayal of any love that might be expected and abandonment where there might have been support. Let your dad love you to the best of his ability. He sounds wonderful.

 

[Notsowild]

That's a tough one @Wyakin. I wish I had never told my children at times. They are supportive but sometimes it gets to be too much for them. I can feel a difference in our relationship now. But then it would be a pretty hard thing to hide.

 

[scout86]

My case is a little like @arfie. I haven't told any family members and don't intend to. It would NOT be helpful, in my case.

Your case sounds different though. It's true, your Dad might be affected and stressed by learning of your diagnosis. But, it's also true he'd probably want to support you and you're depriving him of the chance to do that. It's also possible he's concerned about you and would be glad to hear you're taking steps to deal with your problems. There's lots to consider, I guess, and only you can decide, but I think having someone who actually loves you and wants to support you around would be cool.

 

[Wyakin]

I see what you all mean by how my Dad would feel if he finds out further down the line how much I am struggling. I realise even more now how lucky I am to have him in my life when you all speak about your families. Prior to the things I have been through I had a good family life and a happy childhood.

I will think in what you have all said. I would love to have my Dad's support but I can't help trying to protect him.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I would love to have my Dad's support but I can't help trying to protect him.

This. I know exactly what that feels like.

I kept the trauma and PTSD a secret to my parents for a long time. My parents are also extremely caring and kind, but my Dad is unemployed and depressed, while my Mom is working overtime and on the brink of over-stressing. But one day they just got it out of me. They knew something was wrong and we talked.They were so kind to me, they held me and comforted me, they weren't angry at all. The only thing they wished for was that I'd told them sooner, so they could have been there for me from the beginning.

My parents told me they knew they had a lot going on, but that they would always have space in their hearts and their minds to be there for me.

Now, 6 months later, we don't talk about it often, but I do feel like it has brought us closer. Such a big secret can really alienate you from the people you love. Even if your Dad has no idea you have PTSD, he is bound to realise at some point that you're hiding something from him. And I think the not-knowing might eventually be more hurtful than knowing what's bothering you. Because by telling him, you show him that you trust him with everything. He probably just wants to take care of you, to be there for you. Maybe it could even be a way for you both to open up more towards each other.

I know it's made my bond with my parents stronger than ever, so I recommend you to seriously consider telling him.

By the way, are you seeing a therapist? And is your Dad? It could be very good for the both of you to talk about what happened to you. Perhaps it can help your Dad to finally let go of the guilt.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have told my husband (not that he didn't notice), my parents, and a few other relatives. I am choosy who to tell though because I don't want the pity or misunderstandings. I have not told my inlaws because I don't want them to pity me or blame themselves (even though they have absolutely no fault). My most recent trauma was a car accident coming home from my mom's birthday party. The first thing she said when she came to the hospital was that she was sorry. She blames herself. But I told her of the PTSD anway, because she needs to know and she is a great source of support. I don't tell her all of the details though. I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to tell your dad- not seeing the sadness or pity would possibly be worth it. In the end it's what feels right for you.