Telling t about self medication

[BigBirdsSister]

Hi everyone. Lately I have been in a lot of emotional distress to the point I am not really coping at all. In the last week I have self medicated with pain pills twice, slightly over the specified dose but not an OD. I am really scared to tell my therapist because I don't know what she will do. I'm in ireland. I didn't care if it would hurt me at the time. Has anyone told their therapist about this kind of thing before? what happened? I am so worried she will think I am looking for attention or making a cry for help.

 

[joeylittle]

am so worried she will think I am looking for attention or making a cry for help.

Well, you are making a cry for help - but that's actually OK. I know what you mean is that you are afraid she will think you are being disingenuous or manipulative. But what you describe is not that kind of behavior. You are looking for relief from extreme emotion, and you may need to pursue some more appropriate medication to help you manage that. But your therapist can also help you with coping skills and ways to take your level of emotional distress down to something more manageable.

I'm not in Ireland, so I don't know what the implications are there, if any. I'm tagging @GWhizz, one of our Irish members, to see if they have any insight. Bear in mind, members don't necessarily check in every day - so I'm also hoping some others will weigh in here.

It's actually really good that you are posting about this, and that you want to tell your therapist. It means you do want help.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm thinking she might want you to sign a safety contract.

 

[BigBirdsSister]

Joeylittle (I don't know how to tag lol) I guess it is a cry for help in way. I do hope you are right! You probably are. She is a very understanding person and will likely just try help with coping skills as you mention...and probably tell my Doctor but I won't try convince her otherwise.
I really really do want help. It scared me that I did this again. I had been tempted for weeks before hand and this week something just pushed me right over.

EveHarrrington
She probably will. I'll sign anything if it makes her worry less! I don't want the poor lady to worry too much.

 

[joeylittle]

I really really do want help. It scared me that I did this again. I had been tempted for weeks before hand and this week something just pushed me right over.

I'm glad you are getting help. It's very common, for people with suicidal ideation, to experience these moments of losing control, or being pushed over their threshold. So, the fact that you are recognizing it as frightening and you want help for it, that's the most important part.

(tagging: put an @ sign before the name, with no spaces)

 

[BigBirdsSister]

@joeylittle I didn't know it was that common. Thanks for your encouraging words. I plan to tell her in Fridays session. :)

 

[GWhizz]

Ironically I told my T only last week I was self medicating just enough to get through my weekend without doing something more serious. In itself it is a form of self harm. For me, a coping skill I seldom use unless I feel really at risk (ie high SI). I know how much to take that I'll just sleep through for several days. Anyway... My T knows I already use cutting at times. She is highly trained in these behaviours - works mostly with DBT for BPD (think I'm her only client with PTSD) but understands how to assess risk. I guess because of my level of transparency with her she understands my needs better. I have her personal number and text and call her when in crisis because she wants to be there to help me use other skills instead until I'm more resourceful independently. So I think it's a good thing she knows. She recommended I see the psychiatrist on her team to consider trying a medication again to help get me through this vulnerable period (currently going through messy reporting).

I don't think the implications of telling her outweigh the risk of not. My former T was a psychotherapist not skilled enough to deal with PTSD or manage self-harm. She literally freaked out if I alluded to thoughts about it. So I think it depends on your T's expertise. But I think that if your T wasn't to learn the extent of your behaviours you're doing yourself a disservice. Worst case scenario she can't handle it. She may refer you onwards. I was devastated trying to accept that my prior T wasn't skilled in the areas I needed her help with. But in hindsight I never would have gotten a diagnosis or the type of help I need had I not been upfront and risked revealing my weak points. We go to therapy for help. As someone working in health care myself, I cannot help anyone adequately if they without pertinent details regarding their health status.

I hope that your T will be able to offer you the support that you need with this or redirect you otherwise. Let me know how you go.

*withhold pertinent details

 

[BigBirdsSister]

@GWhizz I am so glad that you told your T about your struggle and that she is supporting you through this. Thanks for sharing it with me.She sounds like a great T! Was she mandated to tell the psychiatrist on her team or did she give you the choice in the end?

I feel you on Ts who are not qualified to deal with such things. My former T did the very same, although she did stick by me as a support even if she couldn't help ( it was a free youth service at the time) and she did try to get me more help but sadly the hospital in my area discriminated against young people which lead me to not seeing anyone for four years. My current T seems very qualified...(ok i peeked at her qualifications :P i know she is lmao). She knows ive been tempted and suggested meds, so she will probably suggest them again as your T did when I tell her. ( I chickened out friday)
It's so hard when a T we have bonded with turns out not to be able to help, so i feel ya there. its not fun :/. Do you feel a good bond with your current T?

I do plan on telling mine.,,,i tried lol, it was in a diary entry which we were going through and we didnt get far enough into it because we were talking about the contents :P

Thanks for sharing and for your input

 

[GWhizz]

I don't know that she's mandated as she told me before that she keeps her notes brief without explicit detail at times. But I do know that her team meet weekly to discuss clients. So I wouldn't hold it against her had she. She asked if I would like her to set up an appointment for me to discuss it with him. I declined and she then asked if she could phone me later on to consider it to which I refused also! I know my prior T worked solo so I guess she had more reason to worry feeling the pressure of being the only one hearing about these kind of things. And so that T did ask that I agree to a safety plan of sorts. That included contacting my GP as well as my partner. But once I agreed to that I knew myself it wouldn't work - telling my GP could easily cascade into him wanting me admitted etc. At least a trained team won't always panic as they know how to assess and manage risk.

Enough about me anyway lol sorry...

Would you consider meds again? Maybe you could broach it through that route. Like bring up that you feel you've had a few times recently where it's gotten to the point of self medicating again. And whether she would consider something that might help you through such times. I know meds are difficult to accept for most of us. But if they mean less harm overall then why not?

I really do like my current T a lot. My old one there were lots of messy transference. I think that's the only reason I kept seeing her - because she fit the ideal mother figure I so longed for. My current T is super at managing everything about me. Unfortunately I always push her away the more she goes out on a limb for me though. I have tried a lot to sabotage things because I get scared and isolate. I honestly don't know how she puts up with me sometimes lol. Nevermind all the twisting my arm she does every time I try to quit! I really am lucky with her. But I had to fight to be taken seriously enough to get to see her initially. She says that with time we will get the balance right with the level of contact we have etc. For now I'm really grateful that I have someone so committed to regulating me until I am self sufficient.

How long have you been seeing your T? I never did journaling for therapy. Do you find that helpful?

 

[BigBirdsSister]

Your T sounds like a great fit for you. A lot of the specialist ones have teams to work with. I think all Ts should really. Its best for all because, well then everyone can be more honest. Was you GP told in the end? Mine might be told but she used to be a pyschiatrist so she wont panic thank goodness and she knows me well enough to know how to help me be safe. Tranferance can be a bish haha. I had it with one T before, but it remained healthy at least. She used it to validate the care I felt towards others, so she used it in the therapy well. Your current really does sound super :D I hear you on being taken seriously. My current isnt the first to take me seriously but I have had a previous T who wasn't qualified to deal with me try to get me more specialized help but they turned me away and underminded the T a professional and said " she is just getting to know herself". so its taken a LOT to trust my current T to take me seriously. She does though really. I'm sorry you have experienced not being taken seriously. That does a lot of damage to trust, I know the pain so i feel for ya. And dont be sorry about talking about you. I like hearing others stories !

My T does think I need meds but I am afraid of them. I get paranoid about the pharma companies. Also I am not pleased with some of the side affects. I will try them though if both she and my dr insist.

I have seen her for around 3-4 months. I dont really know because I have no memory of some of the sessions loll I like her a lot, she's really nice, empathetic and she cares genuinely. She isn't fully accredited yet, but her skills surpass her experience and are rather impressive to be honest. Im very very shy so I need to use the journal sometimes. I don't talk a lot and I get tongue tied because of the social anxiety aspect of things. I also find it very hard to show emotion ( at least fully) in session so if I allow her to read my journal entries I wrote during a meltdown, she can get a better idea of where I am at. She prefers me to speak though:P but on days when she needs to help me with even saying certain words, the dairy is fine.

 

[GWhizz]

Hey sorry for the slow reply. Busy week with work and just got my postgrad results so changing a lot of my work as a result.. All good though. You're back to see your T tomorrow right? You think you can try bring it up with her then? Now that things are a bit more stable for you (at least I hope they are). My current T doesn't discuss anything with my GP. My prior one did call him once or twice which I was never happy about. I just felt that he treated me differently once all of my mental health issues came to light. And not in a good way. But that has since improved thankfully.

I totally understand being tongue tied. I was actually mute throughout a lot of my trauma years. And regress to that state a lot in therapy. I have written notes for my T to read to explain details. But I'd be interested in journaling for personal use.

If you ever want to talk further, feel free to pm me.

 

[BigBirdsSister]

Aww don't worry. How are your results if you don't mind me asking? Congrats on finishing!. I do think things are a little more stable, maybe. I don't know really. I have been safe though!. I am very unsure now about telling her. I think if she asks what it is I was afraid to tell her, I will, if she doesn't, I will just leave it and forget it.
I don't mind when therapists ring my gp, but I have had that gp for 7 years being involved in my mental health and I trust her completely. She has always been there for me. I'm sorry your GP acted like such an old fuddy duddy. Some of them really do need to up their game.

Do you find you get more emotionally out of writing notes? or speaking out loud?

Lol, sure, its just us talking here so might be good to move it to pm haha