Ten, Twenty, Thirty - Words, For When Sentences Evade You

[The Albatross]

Day 19

10: dad, birthday, music, 45's, dancing, anniversary, dinner, lift mood, feeling, distant

20: censoring, pick and choose, guarded, today, accept what you have, birthday, music, okay to remember, when he was happy, without falling down the hole

30: husband, guarded, careful, trying, waiting, for what?, always, always been wired wrong, ever since I can remember, I care, though, time to move, ahead, find, some joy, can I let the guard back down?, is it safe?, or not?, try, just try, be open to what happens, one more time

 

[The Albatross]

Day 20

10: nausea, mom, passive-aggressive, phone call, quiet, be quiet, work

20: ceiling, fell down, closed, uncertain, how long?, maintenance, starts, anyway, we told them so, worry, budget, blown, expensive year, new plan, on stand by

30: meds, not working, still, symptoms, emotionally, frustrated, mentally, reactive, curb it, deal with it, breathe, holiday, passes,without me, us, again, when to reclaim it?, commitment solid, people, disappointed, mistakes, I try, not perfect, if I was I wouldn't need to be here

 

[The Albatross]

Day 21

10: fever, work, holiday, ho-hum, just another day, to me, nothing special

20: family gatherings, are weird, unsafe, unpredictable, uneasy, freak me out, make me anxious, better to work instead, really, time and a half, anyways, get the money

30: breathe, pace, today, be careful, don't wear out, 3 days to go, feel bad, didn't call mom to see if she arrived okay, she knows though, still got a big boundary about my brother, to defend, protect, he'll never apologize, ever, I don't think I'll ever get over that part of the whole thing

 

[goingonhope]

Ten: shoulders hurt, procrastination, cake, frosting, dull headache, stress, bad news.

Twenty: yesterday's bad news, preoccupying obsessive thoughts, wish he didn't, newspaper, stressful, edgy about recent bad news, pharmacy, yesterday's confusion, coffee.

Thirty: forced shower, when, soon, disappointment, invited to Thanksgiving meal, anxious, head rattles, worry, discussion, yesterday's discovery, strange coincidences, arterial venous malformation, what, who knew, medical records, frustrating irritating realizations, where.

 

[The Albatross]

Hey GOH, I have an aortic malformation (they found it this year) and it is intensely frustrating for me because of where it is, they aren't going to do anything about it and won't do any further testing to find out what it is. It's too risky apparently.

 

[goingonhope]

Hi Albatross, :hug:

Also, I PC'd you.

 

[The Albatross]

Day 22

10: sad, frustrated, worried, allergies, coughing, cigs, quit, Vic, critical, Chance, alone

20: big, battles, competing needs, limited focus, energy, tornado, get in the eye, move with it, keep eye on goals, drive progress, somewhere, anywhere

30: chronic, illness, smoking, harms, not helps, work it out, do what you need to do, now, not later, you only make it worse, your fault, depressive?, likely, inadequate, feeling, still, when?, too late, soon, scary things happen, frustration happens, anger happens, hurt happens, tough shit, buck up

 

[goingonhope]

Ten: pizza, full, sore throat, ear pain, store rewards, sitting, phew.

Twenty: coffee, some quiet, dog wants pizza crust, no human food, difficult, barrel belly, daughter concerned, me too, no sneaking, discipline.

Thirty: You said it, you too, needs compete, many requests confuse me, ears cant hear, no longer understand words, frustration, blankness, aggravation in overwhelm, shocking news, riles me up, threatens, annoys.

 

[The Albatross]

Day 23

10: snot, sore throat, mild fever, persisting, difficulty breathing, like asthma, f'king great :cautious:

20: schedule, confused, working?, call, repairs, hold water?, homework, goals, paycheck, health, sucking at the moment, damn it, frustration, impotent, nothing new

30: not being managed, still, back to doctor, 5 attempts at allergy meds, nothing working, dehydrating effects, more water, how'd I sprain my finger?, don't remember, bored with commitments, but needed, need to stay, she is deteriorating, quickly

 

[The Albatross]

Day 24

10: quit smoking, mother, called, don't want to talk, when she's at my brothers

20: sounded happy, respected my wish, didn't get hurt by it, improvement, wrote, unexpected place, about suicidal ideation, felt spacey, but no meltdown

30: commited to do something that makes me sick, ugh stupid, but am needed, why do I do that?, helping, ignoring myself, mind over matter, I'm accepted by her, she's like a family member, gonna be there til she dies, another one, again, someone's last friend

 

[goingonhope]

Ten: Stressed, noise, more noise, arguements, frustration, agony, headaches, evil technology.

Twenty: Destroy playstation, jump on it, break it, laugh out loud, remove it, can't stand it, headaches, serenity thief, intense head cold, miserable, relief, all day, can't think in the confusion.

Thirty: Bored, frustrated, isolated, worn-out, beat-up, lack of motivation, chest pain, bad cough, last night's relief, thank goodness, a new day today, improved but thus far stinking, start over.

 

[The Albatross]

Day 25:

10: sketch pad, art class, first lesson, yikes, bored, with coloring book

20: sudoku harder, more difficult puzzles, middle of book, good thing I have about 2 more years, shorting, self care, need to do better, consistently, again, frig

30: mom, back today, keep my distance, couple more days, then maybe, maybe it will be okay, be open, listen, smile, be glad for her, continued allergic pain, not managed, doctor, Friday, the jerk, gave me steroids, find a voice, wish I could find more suitable triage doctor