Terrified Of 'grounding' - Prefer To Dissociate? - Help Please

[NovemberStar]

I'm very stuck. I need to be able to 'ground' myself when I have the most distressing symptoms of the PTSD, but for some reason, I have a massive, massive resistance to 'grounding' techniques or relaxation.

I feel so stuck. I've begun seeing a private psychologist in order to help me be ABLE to tolerate grounding / CBT or anything. I feel there is a major breakthrough to have in term so understanding WHY I feel so unable to tolerate even attempting this.... but I don't know WHAT is it. I'm really hoping someone here will be able to relate and be able to help me understand. Unless I CAN learn to 'ground' myself and 'self soothe' my distress, I fear I wont be able to do much of the work that is needed in order to heal ;(

Partly I think I relates to my inability to feel safe around anyone else. The idea of trying to 'ground' myself (even do any obvious breathing exercises with my therapist) terrifies me. There is something about being in the presence of my therapist and 'being real' and 'in the room' with her, I just find far too intense. It's too intimate or something. Yet, when I'm alone, I feel unable to try to ground myself as I feel too helpless to do so alone, without help.

I struggle with wanting to 'ground' myself when I'm dissociating, because - as I explained to my therapist - 'grounding' means 'coming back to the present' - BUT - it's the present that has stressed me so much I dissociated in the first place. So why would I want to go back to the present if its the present that has caused me so much distress?

Is it possible in my head, the present and past are so mixed up and confused (I describe it as the past and present 'touch' all the time and yes - I do get confused as to what is real and what is not), I THINK it's the present that is causing me distress, but its not? That when I was very young, I was so confused about what was real and what was me dissociating, that my brain is wired into this default?

This morning I feel very very spaced out. But I find myself WANTING to stay in this. Even though while I am spaced out, i feel stuck in the past, stuck in flashbacks - WHY would that part of me want to stay in that??? To stay in it is dangerous for me - I get depressed, suicidal, urges to self harm. WHY would I 'prefer' to stay in that state? Stay stuck in the PAST, when I COULD bring myself back to the present and feel better???

Then I wonder if its to do with validation of some sort? after YEARS of pretending 'all was ok' (growing up), that young part in me is SCREAMING out for this NOT to be 'put aside'???

 

[stephanie44]

I am so sorry you are going through this and yes, I sometimes find it easier to dissociate rather than stay in the present moment, even though I know it is not healthy. I just bought an 18 pound weighted blanket through a company that specializes in sensory processing issues including mood disorders and PTSD. I am hoping this will help ground me when I have trouble. When I am in a therapy session and this happens, I will sometimes sit next to my therapist, sit facing her on the floor touching feet, or ask to hold her hand for a minute. When I try it by myself, I try to focus on something in the room or get up and move around a little.

 

[franciemarnie]

Maybe in the present, you are numb but in the past - you feel? Not good feelings but still you feel and that's preferable. Or maybe not.

When in distress, what about a walking meditation or if that is too uncomfortable - just run or whatever to get out of the most intense symptoms so that then you can focus better and try a more still grounding. No matter if you are moving or not, you can still hone in on your senses - what you see, hear, smell, etc.

 

[Abstract]

It might be worthwhile separating dissociation into two parts when it comes to this. 1. re experiencing of all types including emotional flashbacks and 2. dissociation such as depersonalisation, derealisation etc.

Do you have the same reaction to both?

When it comes to type 2 we all resist to some point I imagine. Some find dissociation more frightening than others. I personally wasn't frightened by it and it just was. Being dissociated is a little like being a little drunk in some respects. Reality is dulled. If that is part of it then I think its worthwhile exploring what the cost is and what you are losing by continuing. What are you loosing and risking?

As for type 1. Do you find you resist change or input in general? Is there a stubborn part of you that doesn't want to let anyone in? Or could it be that there is a part of you that wants to hurt in order to be validated in some way? Really re experiencing awful things from the past is always going to be immeasurably worse than the present. Really re experiencing is usually worse than when it originally happened.

Are you in an abusive relationship or any other real danger at present in your life?

If not then what in the present can be so awful? It tends to be the reliving and the judgement of these things that causes the present pain and therefore grounding is the answer.

It seems to me that maybe true deep logical and cognitive acceptance of what you need to do would be a good first step.

 

[Meadowsweet]

What grounding techniques have you tried? I ask, because a couple that I tried, that were about being aware of myself physically, I found very distressing.

Also, perhaps a safe place visualization might work better. That's less about being in the present and more about finding a safe place you can go in your mind.

There are times when I simply can't stop dissociating and having the image come into my mind. So what I do, is say to myself that the trauma memories need to come up, and allow myself some time with them. When I'm not fighting them, they do ease in time. Then when they do ease, I do something nice for myself, like have a cup of hot chocolate. I was brought up feeling that it was bad to have feelings or to talk about certain things. So it's important to allow myself, and then to make sure I'm treated kindly afterwards - it is telling myself it's ok to have problems.

 

[radicalgratitude]

NovemberStar, let me begin by saying that it is not a sin to dissociate. Dissociation served a very important purpose for you while you were going through the trauma. It helped you to survive.

Take your time with this....no need to rush. How do you feel when you are by yourself? Can you begin by doing grounding alone behind a locked door (or wherever you can feel safe alone)?

Trust and safety take time. Be gentle with yourself. Honor the parts of you that are scared.

 

[LisawithPTSD]

I have had trouble with grounding too. My therapists took me through it several times a day in guided grounding before I could do it. Dissociation feels addictive to me because I find it to be a place of comfort. Is this the same for you?

 

[LisawithPTSD]

Grounding should eventually take you to a safe place where you are calm in spite of the trauma thoughts. Maybe seeing it in this light will help you to achieve it.

 

[Red Feather]

I struggle with this a lot. I think I am constantly derealized/depersonalized. Getting through this is an enormous process for me.

I think it helps to focus on how you feel. The thing is that after years of abuse, we forget how to register what we feel and what we need. So its hard to change because everything feels numb anyway. It's not only easier for us to stay that way, its hard to even know how it feels to be to otherwise. If you are afraid of being present and in the moment, than this is for a reason. I have had almost two years now being confronted with a fear of being healthy and present. I would get triggered just by the idea of being fully present. I found out that it was because I was really really terrified of being alone, and therefore feelig terribly threatened by the concept of getting better. But the more help and support I got, the more I realized that I won't ever be alone, and that I can't get help unless I ask for it.

So there is always a positive side, a benefit that you are getting from dissociating, and that is really important...! It's about understanding that need and finding other ways for you to get it... or its about confirming to yourself that you already have it, and becoming aware of that. Because whatever the need is, it's not wrong. Not only that it's basic and human. I hope this makes sense.

 

[NovemberStar]

Thank you for all the replies. It helps to feel supported.

I have derealization a lot lately. I'm often not sure if I am dissociated or feeling life is 'not real'. It is blurred all into one.

Maybe it is all anxiety based? Maybe I don't want to relax or not dissociate least I feel the panic? I'm pretty sure that as a child, panicking (on the outside) was NOT a safe thing to do. Its porobably why I panic on the 'inside' only. I can be having a full blown panic attack and be with other people and they will have NO idea.

I just had a visit from the psych nurse (our first meeting). It has taken and entire MONTH for URGENT psych care to happen. Despite being actively suicidal, depressed, dissociated and having no real time support, the soonest I could be seen and have a team is one month. Now I have the support and it is falling into place - I feel more panicky and want to run - a big part of me wants to run from the support. To not use it at all. And definitely not when I am suicidal!

I feel my head is so against me it's not funny - I cant win. It makes no sense to me that I've been desperate for support - now I have it, i am really freaking out!

 

[LisawithPTSD]

Thank you for all the replies. It helps to feel supported.

I just had a visit from the psych nurse (our first meeting). It has taken and entire MONTH for URGENT psych care to happen. Despite being actively suicidal, depressed, dissociated and having no real time support, the soonest I could be seen and have a team is one month.
!

That all sounds familiar. I can't believe they don't take it more seriously. I have to get my friend who is a doctor to call and get me in faster in a few places. Its ridiculous. Its really hard to reach out in the first place and then you can't get the help you need when you need it. I've found my anxiety increases when I start to face the traumas. Perhaps that's occurring for you as well.

 

[Venusian]

Then I wonder if its to do with validation of some sort? after YEARS of pretending 'all was ok' (growing up), that young part in me is SCREAMING out for this NOT to be 'put aside'???

I have been trying to find words to what I have been feeling for a long time and this is that feeling.

I am sorry that you can't feel comfortable grounding, there have been many times when I feel the same when I am with other people. Most of the time is because the grounding technique is also a trigger, when other people are trying to guide me through it. I have to do it myself or I fall further into the flashback.

Perhaps this quote is something you have to address with your therapist, just acknowledging this feeling and work to find out what you have to do to make that part of yourself be heard and validated. Do something like write a letter to your younger self or just to yourself now and list all the things you are doing that recognizes that you were hurt and that you are not ignoring (denying, suppressing) these feelings anymore, that you are doing something about it. It can be amazingly hard to do and can be very emotional. I did something like this a couple of weeks ago and I didn't expect how it would make me feel, but it was very ..., freeing.