Terrified Of 'grounding' - Prefer To Dissociate? - Help Please

[Abstract]

I will let Lucycat explain more. To give a basic overview it is a theory that sees PTSD as a type of dissociation. It looks at three different levels with PTSD being in the first, partial personality states in the second and DID related states in the third.

Essentially it looks at all trauma (by trauma meaning something that meets trauma criteria and that actually caused trauma) as being split off in some way or to some degree from the main personality. So in other words being triggered would happen as a result of falling into that pocket of trauma. Repeated big T trauma before age 5 potentially get grouped and can develop into more sophisticated personality states. Hope that doesn't make it even more confusing and helps a little.

 

[radicalgratitude]

Yes, that is the kind of therapy (parts work) that has been helping me. It is also related to Internal Family Systems Therapy and Ego State Theory. Lots of parts may be present during the trauma: parts that were scared, angry, hiding and didn't see it, etc. All parts are accepted because they are trying to help. Our job as the Self is to assure these parts that they are now safe and ask them if they want to unburden themselves and allow us to take care of them.

I dialogue with these parts. I use my dominant hand and one color writing utensil for my Self and and my non-dominant hand and a different color writing utensil for the part I am working with. Throughout it, I (the Self) practice curiosity, compassion, and acceptance with the part I am working with.

I learned these skills at Intensive Trauma Therapy, Inc. in Morgantown, West Virginia, USA.

I know that there are different forms/variations/names of this method (i.e. Structural Dissociation) but it has the same general idea.

 

[Lucycat]

It relates to a developmental 'split' into parts of the personality. There are many different names for these 'parts' but it is important not to get hung up on that. It is the concept that is more important.

My understanding is that as a protective mechanism from an overwhelming childhood, you split into an 'Apparently Normal' part (ANP) and an 'Emotional' part (EP). The ANP learns to function without distress. The EP holds the trauma and all the bad memories, emotions and feelings.There can be more than one division resulting in any number of parts.

From my personal perspective my ANP goes to work, holds down a difficult job, runs the house, organises our finances , directs Rory ( my husband) in housework attach :p etc etc. I am businesslike and get a job done. I am happy, confident and competent.

My EP on the other hand has low self esteem, is miserable, frightened, struggles with every day life, fears the responsibility of working or driving and is totally overwhelmed with the idea of paying a bill. The EP spends a lot of time crying without reason.

It is a year since T first described this to me and It has been a huge learning curve to grasp this idea. I am still unsure as to what this actually means for me. I do know when the EP comes out I am unable to function as an adult, but can only see it with hindsight. I have discussed it with Rory and I hope he now has a better idea and maybe next time he will see what is happening before I do. T is able to intervene and put 'EP' back in the box. He says that because I am behaving like a child even the notion of calling for help becomes problematic, so texting works for us. As T says -'even a small child can text!'

 

[Lucycat]

A book worth looking at is 'The Haunted Self' by Nijenhuis and Van der Hart. Even the free introductory pages accessible via amazon are worth a look.

As you say there is a lot written on the subject - going back to Freud and Janet. There are disputes about it - but it sure makes sense in my world!

 

[NovemberStar]

Edited as I didn't see the other replies - oops.

Thank you for explaining more. That makes sense. It would also explain why my adult, logical mind cannot convince the emotional part of me that 'groundin'g is for my benefit. It feels like there is a giant glass wall, several inches thick between my adult self and the emotional pain, PTSD stuff.

The adult part of me is very intellectual - it NEEDS to know how things work. That I cannot work out WHY I cannot ground or am so damn resistant to it, drives me NUTS. It really is like, all the logic in the world is not enough to make a breakthrough in this.

Same with the 'wanting to stay' in the past and be dissociated. Adult part of me wants to move on - but the little part in me is not ready to. She needs validation - She has unfinished work to do back in childhood. She needs to be there for that.

I will keep searching and try to find something on it that I can read and comprehend. Then I will send it to my therapist to read.

 

[LisawithPTSD]

One thing my therapist has me do is write with opposite hands. I'm dominant right, so my right hand is my "ANP" hand asks a question of the left "EP" hand. My left hand answers. The right hand is suppose to acknowledge the statements the left is making in a non-judgemental way. It sounds weird but for some reason it works. Its a means of getting both sides of your brain to communicate. This may help your little girl part to feel validated. Have you tried this?

 

[radicalgratitude]

Note that it might take time for your EP to trust your adult self (ANP). I wrote to my EP just as LisawithPTSD suggested to you (with left and right hands). When I tried talking to her the first time, she said to me (ANP), "You look like a grownup. I don't like grownups." So I was compassionate with her and kept complimenting her, talked about her dolls, etc and she started to trust me more. Now she is somewhat comfortable with me. I continue to give her verbal affirmations and she responds well to this. I also empathize with her a lot.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Grounding is using skills in our present moment to remind our traumatized selves that we are safe now. It helps us know that the traumas are in the past, and will never happen again. This gives us increasing feelings of safety, security in ourselves, and trust in our ability to ease our distress when we get triggered.

Dissociation is great for just "getting through" but after spending decades of "getting thorough," I missed out on all the experiences - good, bad, happy, rewarding, sad - by numbing myself out.

When I numb myself out in my today, I don't pick up the reward of making good memories to sustain me in the tomorrows to come.

For me, fighting dissociation is my firm statement that those things that happened to me will NOT be permitted to steal one more minute from enjoying my precious time on this earth.

 

[NovemberStar]

See Bloom - just reading about grounding Nd how good it is just sets me off. I talked more about it in therapy today. I can't get to the bottom of it. I just feel so so angry at the mere suggestion to do it!!!!

We came up with an approach instead - imagining a safe place. I think that will work.

 

[87ofme]

Lucycat sounds like me. I was diagnosed with PTSD severe and delayed back in 1989 and Multiple Personality Disorder also my depression scores were so bad they were off the charts. I disassociated to the point where I just didn't wake up...for days. One of my Drs came into the hospital room and flipped the matress on the bed with me in it onto the floor and I still didn't wake up! Totally checked out. There was, at that time, one documented case of a lady who did this and just died.

But back to my point, yes what Lucy states is true, I've done it! We called it controled switching or switching with help or on purpose kind of thing. It is super helpful!

 

[BloomInWinter]

Whatever works, go with that.

 

[AngrySky]

Thank you for all the replies. It helps to feel supported.

I just had a visit from the psych nurse (our first meeting). It has taken and entire MONTH for URGENT psych care to happen. Despite being actively suicidal, depressed, dissociated and having no real time support, the soonest I could be seen and have a team is one month. Now I have the support and it is falling into place - I feel more panicky and want to run - a big part of me wants to run from the support. To not use it at all. And definitely not when I am suicidal!

I feel my head is so against me it's not funny - I cant win. It makes no sense to me that I've been desperate for support - now I have it, i am really freaking out!

NovemberStar - I totally get that. I am so in control of everything in my life. No one has a clue that I have issues. (besides my husband due to recent circumstances) but I completely understand wanting to get help so badly and then becoming absolutely TERRIFIED at the idea of being outside my realm of normal, coping, managing, hiding, dissociation whatever it may be. You are not alone. It is this type of constant thinking in my head that makes me feels like I am going to crack at the slightest trigger. Or just to get out of my head.

I am here for you and I hope you get all of the support through this site. we all know.