Texted my therapist and told her I don't want to get better

[frogthroat]

I've been struggling with depression my whole life but these last 7 months have been too much and I'm realizing that I don't have the emotional strength to continue. I simply can't handle everything that happened to me, handle normal life, and handle being alone.
I know everyone chooses their reality and since I've chosen this I've messed up somewhere. I'm just a negative person and I can't keep myself positive. Sometimes, I go through spells with suicidal ideation but I really can't do this anymore. For me the act would be a permanent solution to a permanent problem.
I texted my T and told her I just don't want to get better and I'm in too much pain. I don't even want to navigate this pain anymore. I don't want to have to get up everyday and deal with life anymore. All of it is my choice. I'm so exhausted by life. There's no joy. I can't feel joy even when I try to make myself. Nothing feels good. Nothing has felt good for years. I can't think of anything that makes me want to keep fighting this.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

Do you think it might be time for a med change?

 

[frogthroat]

:hug:

Do you think it might be time for a med change?

I don't take meds.

 

[EveHarrington]

If you’re in this much pain, maybe it would be a good idea to consider them?

 

[Abstract]

Hi,
Sorry you are in this place. It sounds like you are in crisis. Have you contacted any crisis support? Do you and your t have a plan for this? Try if you can to just ride this out a little and let things settle.

 

[bellbird]

Hey @RuffledFeathers , thanks for reaching out to us.

Please please consider having an inpatient stay at an acute mental health ward.

I know you won't feel it right now, a lot of the time I can't feel it about myself, but your life is worth so much, and you are worth finding out what a happy and enjoyable life feels like.

I went inpatient from May-June of this year. I was so terrified, but it saved my life.
They take care of everything for you: meal times, medications/medication alterations. My ward even had underfloor heating which was a dream ;).

You don't get to feel any relief from suicide. It will feel so much better when you feel like you have your life under control. I promise.

 

[ms spock]

I've been struggling with depression my whole life

Me too

but these last 7 months have been too much and I'm realizing that I don't have the emotional strength to continue.

So glad that you are reaching out.

I simply can't handle everything that happened to me, handle normal life, and handle being alone.

I understand these feelings.

I know everyone chooses their reality

You are being way too hard on yourself.

and since I've chosen this I've messed up somewhere.

We all make mistakes, you are not alone.

I'm just a negative person and I can't keep myself positive.

Not always. You are having trouble at the moment.

Sometimes, I go through spells with suicidal ideation but I really can't do this anymore.

Me too, but you got through before, and you can again. You might need help this time.

For me the act would be a permanent solution to a permanent problem.

Yeah it is no solution, it feels like it, but it is not.

I texted my T and told her I just don't want to get better and I'm in too much pain.

Excellent that you reached out. You are a legend!

I don't even want to navigate this pain anymore. I don't want to have to get up everyday and deal with life anymore.

Keep reaching out for help.

All of it is my choice.

It is your choice but you need to get help. Please get help.

I'm so exhausted by life. There's no joy. I can't feel joy even when I try to make myself. Nothing feels good. Nothing has felt good for years. I can't think of anything that makes me want to keep fighting this.

You need to go to hospital or ER or ED.

If you are in Australia you can ring the Suicide Call Back Line[/QUOTE]

 

[LilyRose]

I've been struggling with depression my whole life but these last 7 months have been too much and I'm realizing that I don't have the emotional strength to continue. I simply can't handle everything that happened to me, handle normal life, and handle being alone.
I know everyone chooses their reality and since I've chosen this I've messed up somewhere. I'm just a negative person and I can't keep myself positive. Sometimes, I go through spells with suicidal ideation but I really can't do this anymore. For me the act would be a permanent solution to a permanent problem.
I texted my T and told her I just don't want to get better and I'm in too much pain. I don't even want to navigate this pain anymore. I don't want to have to get up everyday and deal with life anymore. All of it is my choice. I'm so exhausted by life. There's no joy. I can't feel joy even when I try to make myself. Nothing feels good. Nothing has felt good for years. I can't think of anything that makes me want to keep fighting this.

I am right there with you.
It's so hard. I can't find a reason to fight, but i am still fighting. We have to, because ending it is not really an option. I feel like it's they only way, but there is no returning from it. So there has to be something else.
You told your T which is good. You're reaching out. I haven't had the guts to tell t yet.
It's a daily struggle, but we can't stop until we find something okay?

I wish i knew what to say or what to do.

 

[bhm]

I feel the same way alot, why I relapsed and started drinking again recently, but have stopped again and am already regulating better, dealing with long term abuse is so overwhelming and seems like nothing can ever make you feel better, I'm sorry you feel like this, the only thing that keeps me going is I made a deal with myself that if I checked out I have let them win and givin my abusers more power, stay strong :) and please reach out to community support ie crisis chat or SPL, and everyone here is for you too, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm with those that have suggested that you go in patient for treatment. YOU are worth more than ending your life. I have been in patient in hospitals several times in my life, usually when I was feeling about how you are feeling now. They can help you. They can teach you skills to overcome this stuff! DON'T GIVE UP!

 

[shimmerz]

I know everyone chooses their reality and since I've chosen this I've messed up somewhere.

I strongly disagree with this. People do not always choose their reality. Certainly not when it comes to abusers making them a target. That is victim blaming.

I don't have the emotional strength to continue.

Then maybe it is time to figure out how to get more rest. It is too much. But a permanent solution is not the only solution when overwhelmed. Not sure what you are facing - but maybe post some to see if others can help you with coping strategies. You are in a community with members who are brilliant at putting into place adaptive measures.

I'm in too much pain.

Physical, emotional or both?

Nothing feels good. Nothing has felt good for years.

I don't know your situation, but it could well be that nothing is good. I know. Been there. Still am to a degree. Connection with others that were like me helped a ton. Do you have access to any mental health communities in your area?
There is nothing like being able to relate to someone who maybe feels similar feelings.

It's good that you told your T. Sending you strength. Sending you warmth. Sending you hope.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

For me the act would be a permanent solution to a permanent problem.

This struck a cord with me. I had been suicidal all my life and thought about it every single day from age 8 to about a year ago so that would be age 36. People think I'm exaggerating when I say every single day but it was at least suicidal ideation everyday. I never understood the phrase "permanent solution for a temporary problem" as for me, it was permanent. But...then, it wasn't. I thought it was...but, it wasn't. It had been years. My entire life. Nothing had changed...until it did. I faught hard. I faught everyday. I was tired. But then I had to fight to get better. Once my therapist helped me understand that I was worth that fight I buckled in and faught hard. And here I am. I'm not on the other side. Not even close in my view. But, I am at a place where I don't have suicidal ideation everyday. I get suicidal when my symptoms peak, like last night. But then for weeks I am not suicidal and symptoms are manageable to a point. I have a service dog that helps the real bad symptoms and then I also use CBT and DBT daily. EMDR is coming up soon. Other, more cruial things come up in therapy right now so EMDR keeps getting pushed to the side.

But, my point in saying all of this is how in the world do you know it's a permanent problem? You really don't. Not unless you can predict the future. Yes, it's been years but you are worth the fight. Don't give up on yourself!

I also never went inpatient. That's just me. But I do have a suicide contract with my therapist. It serves as almost a therapy guide and something I refer to often. I would, however, be 100% honest with your therapist about all of this. If you haven't already advised them that is. I know text is 160 characters (if it were just one text) and you can't say a lot in 160 characters.