General Thank You and Good Bye

[unbroken]

I think my girlfriend has more problems than I can take on, so I ended it with her tonight. I thought I'd be more upset, but I think I'm okay.

I fell in love with her, but she has been getting worse lately and I guess I got kind of fed up with how she's been treating me. I won't elaborate because I don't want to offend anyone, or disrespect her.

I'll miss her, sure, but I just don't think she's well enough to be in a relationship right now. I truly felt she was my soulmate, but I can't be anyone's doormat.

Thanks to those of you who had nice things to say to me, I truly appreciate your help and kind words.

Be well....
-Unbroken heart....

 

[becvan]

Unbroken,

Although I'm truly sad to see you go, I'm very pleased that you refuse to be a doormat. No one should be. Some of us just are not ready for relationships, some of us know that, some don't.

Be well, treat yourself well. I wish the best for you. It has truly been a pleasure.

bec

 

[Nicolette]

Unbroken - my heart goes out to you! I have admiration for your willingness and how you tried to be there. Lucky girl I say; it's a pity she's not well.

You are right however, and you do not deserve to be treated like a door mat.

Wishing you all the very best :Hug_emoticon:

 

[spiritofnow]

Sad to seee you go!

That is a difficult one!

I do hope you will be okay? You have addressesed your boundaries and that is positive for you and her. She may have her breakthrough now? If she is ready? I hope she realises that it is more than likely the consequences of her behaviour that have lead to this?

I feel a bit angry! Angry about how trauma causes so many issues - too many broken hearts, too many casualties...........It's a tough old road!

You tried to love her unbroken and that is a wonderful gift!

I will be sad to see you go! :mad: But, I am happy to have shared some of your journey ;-)

Spirit x

 

[unbroken]

Thank you. I know I've made mistakes, but it just seems she is very unforgiving. I guess I'm just not the right guy for her, if anyone is. I tried, and I learned a lot, but it seems she has a problem with everyone around her and lately I've been included in that mix.

I guess I'm not as patient and understanding as I thought I was, because when I get painted into a corner I do get a little defensive.

thanks for the kind words....

 

[Nicolette]

I guess I'm not as patient and understanding as I thought I was, because when I get painted into a corner I do get a little defensive.

Two people make a relationship - not just one so the responsibility has to be shared.

While you may have your faults, we all do Unbroken, and it is natural to be defensive if painted into a corner. I think you could ease up on yourself a bit as from what you've written you come across as a pretty decent guy in my books!

 

[unbroken]

Thank you, Nicolette. I'm sure she'd tell a very different story right about now! I feel bad, because I really do care for her, but for the past couple weeks I've been drained and wondering if I should end it with her. I thought that she was 'the one' because we had so much in common, but she's been so angry lately that it has been very difficult for me to deal with.

I'm a bit sad, but know that I have to do what's right for me, too.

thanks...

 

[Nicolette]

While I hate to sound corny, perhaps walking away make help your girlfriend find a little perspective.

I personally don't believe having a break helps as if you can't work it out while you are in it things aren't going to get any better being apart (avoidance if you ask me). However, that said, it does not mean it that it wont work for you.

It sounds to me you are still in love Unbroken or perhaps it is just disappointment that you thought you found something but it ended up being different to what you had thought.

Whatever the outcome, take care!

 

[unbroken]

Well, I don't hate her, and part of me still loves her for who she is inside, but she hasn't been that person for a while now. I realize that her PTSD is a big part of it, but there never seems to be a good time to talk about how I feel because she gets upset whenever things aren't in her favor.

The source of a lot of our recent problems is that we make plans and they always get changed multiple times because of one thing or another, and she expects me to be okay with that every time. Most of the time it's hours, but sometimes it's days, and it gets old. If I say something she throws the whole "you obviously don't understand what I'm going through" routine at me. I'm very much aware of what she's going through, but at what point can I voice my feelings about it without getting chastized for it?

One day she wanted me to be at her house at 4, I got there at 4:05 and she wasn't there, when I called her, she complained that I was late. Another time I got there 5 minutes early, and thought to myself, "watch her complain about me being early". Sure enough, she gave me grief for being early. I started to feel like I just can't win with her...and if I say something she always says, "I was just kidding".

Yes, I felt a very strong connection with her as we shared so much in common. I just don't think she's been very fair to me.

 

[Cowgirl]

Unbroken,

Her behavior as you describe it is very much PTSD when it is out of control. Everything and anything can potentially set off the anger. It is powerfully difficult to deal with it and ride out the rough spells. You are right that you should not allow yourself to be mistreated. It is difficult to set and maintain boundaries of acceptable behavior with a PTSD partner - it is a lot of WORK, actually. Sometimes, even if you have been with the person a long time, it is still difficult to look past the PTSD behavior and see the good person still there, struggling to find a way out into the open again.

I don't know how anyone could form a lasting relationship with a person who was in the midst of a down phase of PTSD early in the relationship. Your relationship is too new to make it through the months that it may be before it gets better again.

Perhaps you will learn and grow from this relationship. Perhaps it will not be wasted.

Best wishes to you,

Cowgirl

 

[Murphy's Law]

My heart goes out to you Unbroken. My husband of 5 years left me six months after I lost my hand. He had been there through the "incident", watched and experienced it from the sidelines, and it was still too rough for him. I admit it was very bad in those first few months. I had a bad case of why me's and no one understands. He probably needed to get out just to survive himself. And honestly, it gave me the kick in the butt I needed to realize how bad it had gotten.
I guess what I am struggling to say is, I know its rough, and the guilt must be overwhelming, but you have to take care of yourself first. It wouldnt be fair to either of you if you didnt.
I agree with Spiritofnow, it is awful how many casualties there are. How many lives and hearts are broken.
But of course no one deserves to be treated like that. And although I am not perfect, at least now I know when I do something like that, I know enough to recognize, stop and apologize. It doesnt sound like she is quite there yet. It took me a long time and a good therapist to see it for myself. I hope it is a begining of a turn for her, cause it is hard to be there.
I have a hard time getting my point across in these things. I guess, take care of yourself, stay strong, and be proud of how honest you have been able to be with yourself about it.

 

[unbroken]

Thanks, all. I wasn't sure how she felt about it all but she emailed me and told me that she was still in love with me. So we both talked for a while this morning and she didn't want it to be over. I'll talk with her more tonight and see how it goes, it's difficult because she initially feels that our argument was all my doing, and she doesn't understand that her comments are sometimes hurtful.

Her SIL wanted to talk to me, she was very encouraging and told me the whole family was 'rooting' for me because I was the first "normal" guys she's dated in a long time. I didn't know it, but I guess they all talked about me being in her life and said they all noticed that she was finally happy after so many months of being angry. The last guy had beat her up and that send her into depression and anger.

Her SIL and I talked for a while and she told me a few more things about her that I didn't know, and the other side to many of the stories where I only heard one side. I had wondered what the family thought of me, given her past, and I was told they all hope I would become a part of the family. Although they know it's a tough situation they really feel like I'm the right guy for her, and want to help me in any way they can because they want her to be happy.

It all kind of blows me away, I had said to her SIL that I didn't want anyone to think that I was just the next guy with a one track mind, but she said they never felt that way about me. It's kind of sad, in a way, because they all sort of had a standing bet about how long I'd last. Her SIL said my girlfriend usually finds a lot of faults with the guys she's met, but that she hasn't told them anything negative about me and that's why they felt so strongly about me. I'm very flattered, and assured her that I don't place all the blame on my girlfriend, and know that I need to work on how I handle things too.

The good news is that I told my girlfriend that I had set up an appointment to see a relationship/PTSD therapist so I could learn now to handle this better, and my g/f said she would like to go with me because she needs all the help/advice she can get. That made me feel really good about things.

I wish it didn't come to this, but I guess it's a good thing if it helps her to realize that she also doesn't handle things the best way. At any rate, when we do talk things out she seems to go from "it's all your fault" to a shared responsibility, which means a lot to me.

thanks again for all the kind words...time will only tell. Yes, I do still love her, kind of hard to turn that off like a light switch...