General Thank You and Good Bye

[2quilt]

Maybe you don't have to break up.
It is so good to see that she realizes that there is a problem and that she is willing to get help. That's a tremendous step forward for those of us with PTSD. We lash out at loved ones because we think that they don't understand, don't want to understand, and might hurt us more. We can be like tigers with injured paws. We don't know your motives for certain, so we are afraid and will therefore "Do unto you before you do unto us!"

If you two do go get therapy, I hope you don't leave the forum. You need support too! You need to talk with others who are carers, and get advice and have some (lots ) of people to talk with, bounce ideas off of, and comiserate with. You could also introduce your sweetie to this forum, and we would welcome her, if you felt comfortable with that.

Whatever you decide to do, you are always welcome here!

 

[unbroken]

Thank you, I'm very confused about it all right now. Even though she seemed pretty angry with me she couldn't understand why I thought she wanted nothing to do with me. Her emails were very harsh and implied that she wanted nothing to do with me, saying "don't ever come over here again" among other things. But in the same email she said she still loved me for who I am.

Tonight we talked more, and she's making plans for us this weekend as if nothing has happened. When I asked her last night she called me "nosey" and that's where the argument started. This confuses the heck out of me. Tonight I asked her the same questions and she wasn't bothered in the least. Her SIL helped a lot, and told me they hope I can stick around because they want to see her happy. I'm flattered that they think of me that way, just have to make sure I don't let it all go to my head!

 

[Murphy's Law]

Bravo! Going to see a therapist together is a great idea. The best. When I started dating my current boyfriend, well a few months in, we both went to see my T together. It not only helped him understand better where I come from, it helped us learn how to communicate with each other. Without blame or confrontation. Best thing I ever did.
Huge thing that she agreed to go with you. Huge.
I really do wish you luck. And remember to keep being so straight with yourself. You will both be happier for it.

 

[Cowgirl]

It is crazy-making, sometimes, Unbroken. PTSD is hard on all concerned, the sufferer and the carers who love them.

My DH has fallen into a pattern of threatening to leave me whenever he gets upset (whether with me or life in general). Then, a few hours later, or a day later, he will act as if nothing happened - he got the venom out of his system and he's "fine". I discussed this pattern with him when he was doing OK, and he acknowledged that what he really wants when he does that is for me to let him know that I want him and need him. It is an odd way of trying to get that, but there you go - PTSD is a difficult thing to deal with, for all of us.

There is also a desire to escape, at least with my DH - part of him would like to run far, run fast and escape the PTSD. But of course, it follows him everywhere, because it is inside him. There is no ability to run, the fight or flight response is raging in his body and his mind, but running isn't an option, and there's no one to fight now that he's safe. So, he threatens to run, and he rages, but he really wants me to tell him he is loved and needed and that he has worth.

It makes for some very confusing blow-ups, to be sure. There have been times where he's raging, comes to me for a hug and reassurance, and then starts raging again.

If you stay with her, you are going to have to learn to set boundaries. It will help your own mental health, and it might help to stabilize her, at least to a degree.

We probably could use a thread or set of threads on boundaries and how to define them. Boundaries seem hugely important in coping as a PTSD carer (from my experience anyway).

Best wishes,

Cowgirl

 

[unbroken]

thank you all, yes it did have me in a complete funk yesterday and I felt like my head was going to explode from confusion. I, too, think it's great that she wanted to go with me to the therapist, it shows me that she truly does want to work together with me on better communication.

She did start to rehash the other night, and I kept asking her if we could both just learn from it and move on. I was getting frustrated because she kept asking me the same thing numerous times, and then went into why she dislikes her niece so much, and others in her life. After that we veered into better conversations and she was including me in her life again with regards to future plans.

I know I probably reacted a little harsh and too quickly, I guess I was at my breaking point and felt like I couldn't win for losing. I'm also learning to just apologize and let her feel a small victory over me because that is often follwed with her apology and acknowledgment that we both need to work on it, and not just me. I can handle losing the small arguments if it means that I have her in the end, because I now realize that it's not about me...it's about her need for validation and control over her own emotions.

That last boyfriend that beat her up seems to have done the most damage, it just tears me up when she tells me about it. She's tiny, he's over 6 feet tall.

 

[Nicolette]

That last boyfriend that beat her up seems to have done the most damage, it just tears me up when she tells me about it. She's tiny, he's over 6 feet tall.

No matter what the size, being beaten does a lot of damage. It is worse when it comes from someone who supposedly loves you :rolleyes:

 

[unbroken]

yes, very true. I apologize...I didn't mean to imply that it would have been better if he were shorter, just that she's so much smaller than he is it's like beating up a child. It's a little harder to fight back and defend yourself when you're outweighed by more than 100 pounds.

but yes, abuse of any kind is just wrong, regardless of stature. humble apologies.

 

[Nicolette]

humble apologies.

Oh dear Unbroken. No need for the apologies, I was just stating the obvious as I could relate to what you were saying. One of my ex-boyfriends belted me in the face spliting above my eye open a week after I had come out of hospital from having back surgery.

 

[Murphy's Law]

It is great that you realize its not about you, but her. I am sure your Appointment at the T will help to her to realize how she can say what she needs to in a less confrontational way. Not about a win or loose, its about partnership. Good for you for being so open to her pain.
It sounds like she trusts you alot, probably scared how to show it.
Beatings are just so wrong. my heart goes out to you all

 

[unbroken]

One of my ex-boyfriends belted me in the face spliting above my eye open a week after I had come out of hospital from having back surgery.

I'm so sorry about that, what a punk.

 

[unbroken]

Thanks Murphy, it's very hard for me to feel like it's not about me, because, well, I'm a guy...I screw up, say the wrong thing, make mistakes, you know...:rofl:

But there was something she did differently that evening, she handled something in a very different way than she usually does and that made me feel like there was a storm brewing. I almost asked her about it because it was kind of out of character for her, but didn't want to put her on the defensive.

Then within a few minutes all hell broke loose and we were arguing about minor things. Not that I feel it's all her fault, but I should have been more cognizant when her routine changed the way it did.

These past couple of days have been incredible...I haven't seen her since the argument, but she's been extremely happy and feeling more like we belong together instead of angry about everything around her. This is the woman I fell madly in love with...

 

[Murphy's Law]

Maybe recognizing her triggers, or cycles, will make things different. Good for you. Men can be funny, trying to 'fix' things. Dont put so much pressure on yourself, sounds like you are doing great.
It's so nice to hear people talk about love. You know that feeling you are talking about? It being incredible? I would remember that feeling when things get a bit rough. Yup, take a moment and remember that. Powerful stuff.