Thankful To Have Failed

[deer_in_headlights]

Dear Pottershand,

From my heart and soul to you, sending hugs, love and prayers.

(((((((((((((Pottershand)))))))))))

Your "failure" was a blessed success!!!

I'm so glad you didn't die. Please stay, rest and heal; and know that you're surrounded by love, and caring people.

I'm crying in empathy, suicidal feelings are the worst torment to endure and sometimes the spirit breaks.
I don't think many people, no matter how strong they are, can cope on their own at that level of soul-pain. It's so good that you're letting people know.

Please heal gently, dear one.
With love and deep concern,
deer_in_headlights

 

[Nighthawk]

Pottershand,

I am really glad that you did not get it right. I am gratful that you have opened your world to your family. Many times we are scared of rejection due to our crisis and to my amazement arms open although somewhere in my head I assume they will close. Leaning is something we all need to do sometimes and don't allow ourselves the comfort. I can only hope that your journey up will be with the love and support of those around you. The road is long and at times has bumps even very big pot holes to fall into.

Good luck and good thoughts

NH

 

[seedling]

PH - Thank you for sharing your story here in such and open and honest way.

 

[James B.]

You are awesome for writing this PH.

I know how it feels to think of one's self as broken, or un-fixable. People probably scoff when I write that some of the changes to my lifestyle have been do or die... But it's true. In terms of resolve, I agree with ITL. Sometimes when I began to un-ravel my ordeal, it didn't seem possible. It was more like the desperate act of a man, trying to fix a storm damaged roof in a downpour. Bit by bit, the leaks are getting mended. And the strength to carry on becomes self-perpetuating.

I and everyone I can think of, accepts you and respects you. :smile:

 

[Deleted member 6617]

I am blown away by the love and support from you all. I woke up this morning and thought about it being another day. Why am I here, what is my purpose, what is my value? When I then read what Anni wrote it was one of those "there is no such thing as coincidences" moments in my life. More an affirmation that yes, I do have value. True, I am having a hard time seeing that right now, but my faith tells me otherwise and I have to find a way to hang onto that.

Today the doubts have crowded my mind. Was it wrong to be so open and honest. Was it wrong to bare my deepest pain and hurt and hope for some understanding. Panic set in and all the self beatings started in. I kept going back to this and reading all the support from you all. It eased my mind and calmed my inner storm to a bearable bluster. I could take a deep breath and say yes, I can learn from this and yes, I know it was not the answer and I can't change what is done. But look at how my family rallied and completely out of character showed love and support. They shed tears and held on to me. I want to embrace that and continue to reach out to them. God it's hard though. It is terrifying to show them the torment and brokeness of who I am. It is what I need to do though, because this is more than I can climb out of without help. Will they understand when I fall back into one of those pot holes and struggle to once again make a choice to get up and keep trying? God I hope so!

Being accepted and respected is so hard for me to grasp. The evidence is here in your words though. Thank you so much, it means....well, it means life with some value and purpose. I take your words to heart and sit here with tears streaming down my face overwhelmed by what acceptance means to me. Maybe it is possible to find the strength to carry on and maybe, eventually, the healing will become self-perpetuating.

Your hugs, caring, prayers, and best wishes are giving me strength. Thank you so much!

Tearfully and humbly grateful! PH

 

[Tinyflame]

Love and Hugs, PH. xox
See, if you weren't here I couldn't say/ do that.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

There's probably not a lot I can add to this this thread PH. I personally think you're really brave to share your story and if it saves one other person (you'd prob be surprised how many people it will touch) then it was well worth sharing. So glad you're still with us.

 

[seedling]

PH - You sharing with us feels like an acceptance and respect for us here on the forum. To me it's a way of being non-judgemental toward us.

So, have you gotten in return what you have given? Or, what you have dared to reach out for? You have set an example for me that I'm sure will come back to me.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Did I Do Or Say That?

Didn't sleep at all last night. God I hate not sleeping. Roaming the house doing odds and ends as quiet as I could so I didn't wake my daughter, I couldn't avoid it anymore. The dang overnight bag was still sitting were I had dropped it when I got home from the crisis center. I think I left it there because somewhere in the back of my mind I kept thinking I might need it again, so what is the point of unpacking it? Last night I came to the obvious conclusion that that was not healthy thinking. Okay....so it wasn't so obvious to me, but I will give myself credit for finally figuring it out.

Inside the bag was the discharge papers from the ER with all the chart notes. I unpacked everything around those not wanting to touch them or even acknowledge they existed for that matter. Finally they were the last things in the bag. Big 9 x 12 white envelope with the Hospital and Emergency Department it big bold letters. Couldn't avoid it any longer. Took it out and opened it up. I don't remember half of what is in these notes.

"Security has searched pt and pt belongings. Security has removed black folding hunting knife from pt back rt pocket. Security has secured pt and put belongings in locker." Oh God, I don't remember that at all.

"PT is voluntary and coopertive". Hello.....How do you spell HELP!

"PT unable to sit up on own. PT rocking and humming", "PT denies needs at this time"

They list every visitor, how long they were there, and my reaction to them being there. "Tearfull" seems to be the running theme.

"The PT has a suppotive family, however, this writer suspects the family likes to tell her what to do and the PT seems to be well aware of how to take care of herself" Oh boy....this makes me laugh sarcastically. They have no idea the extent this takes place and all of them are right and know best, except me of course. No pressure!

6 hours later....
"PT is sitting up on own and requesting water." "Dinner tray ordered to room, PT ate less than half", "PT drinking water and reporting cotton mouth and thirst" Reading through this is weird. It is like reading about a stranger. It couldn't have been me they are describing.

"The PT is under significant stress and doesn't want to burden her family or friends. The PT reports not sleeping for several days. This writer recommends the PT go to respite with the plan to sleep. The ED physician is willing to prescribe a sleep medication. The PT is willing to contract for safety and respite. PT is coopertive and pleasant." Then started the flurry of appointments with doctors, therapists, mental evaluators, and can't even remember who else.

I'm glad today is Saturday. I have no appointments to go to, only a phone call to check in with crisis center as part of contract for safety. Going to my daughters play this afternoon. Going to harvest party tonight. New day, new oportunities.

PH

 

[cherryblossom]

I hope you have had/ are having a good day.

It isn't easy to read such medical reports about ourselves. So well done, I think you are really brave. Whether you like what you read or not, the health service that you received sounds very good and very comprehensive. I speak from experience. I have been in hospital 3 times over the last 7 months due to O/D. Each time it was around early evening. I was kept in an observation ward each time over night, and then sent home the next morning, with no further help, support or assistance.

Please make the most of the extra help that has been offered to you.

 

[intothelight]

Hi PH,

So glad that you are doing better. I understand not wanting to unpack your bag, I didn't do it for over a month.

The number of appointments, after release can seem overwhelming. I remember having to go to the P, the T and two group sessions each week. But they really did help. Also, keep your support in place. It is OK to depend on other people, it is just difficult to do.

(((Hugs)))

ITL

 

[h2o]

Hi PH,

Just writing a quick note to see how you're doing today. Hope you've managed to have a good day and hope you are feeling better. I just wanted to say thank you for your honesty and describing your feelings so truthfully. You're thread has really struck a chord with me and I'm sure many others out there who are reading this.

I can relate to what you say about reading your medical notes...

Reading through this is weird. It is like reading about a stranger. It couldn't have been me they are describing.

Although I have never gone through that exact scenario with regards to the medical notes, those feelings of looking back and feeling like "that couldn't possibly be me" is something which I am sure many of us on here can relate to. Sometimes my life has felt like it has almost become someone else's and has felt so out of control which is a really frightening feeling.

As cherryblossom said, take advantage of the help which is offered to you and concentrate on getting better for yourself, and for those who love you. Many of us tend to think that we can cope, and honestly I am the worst offender for believing in this myself. I will surpress my feelings until it all becomes almost too unbearable to face. That's usually when I reach crisis point and feel like I am approaching total meltdown. You sharing your story has made me aware that I also need to be honest about my feelings with my 'support system' so you are helping me gain insight too:).

Sending you hugs and best wishes today,

h2o