Thankful To Have Failed

[Deleted member 6617]

Hi Jesse,
I want so bad to say I am doing great. I am not though. I am not suicidal....that is good. I am very sad, very lonely, and very much stressed about the holidays. Just started a thread about it so I won't repeat myself here. I am still thankful to be alive though. So....hmmmm...maybe I'm doin okay! Thanks for asking and caring! Wow does that feel good!

SJ....isn't it great!!!! Walking in the rain is one of my favorite things to do. I love it. Maybe I like doing something out of the ordinary just because I can. I do get the "crazy lady" looks and I just play it up even more. What the heck....let them think what they want. FEELS fantastic. Tickles me that you went out and did it....I love it! New club...Rain Walkers, feeling alive in the rain!

 

[Sethe]

Hang in there Pottershand. You ARE worth it. And be gentle with yourself (I like that one).

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Got back from my T's today and am frustrated with myself. Not feeling so thankful today. Thankful, thanks, thanfulness, THANKSGIVING....this is so unlike me. Not suicidal...just....IDK....struggling. And why should I still be struggling. Oh brother, even I know that is a no brainer question. Sigh....very tired. Feel like the blob of clay in my aviatar. Only I don't feel like I am taking shape yet. Still a blob spinning round and round....god I'm dizzy!

 

[Deleted member 6617]

I'm so different now than I was before. Before PTSD. I don't recognize myself. I don't look at myself in the mirror because I don't know the person I am looking at. How do I see myself through new eyes? How do I accept what I see? How do I not let "it" define me? I am NOT PTSD....I don't want it to rule my life. I don't want to base how I live and who I can or can't be on it. I don't want it to hold that much power over me. And yet, it does right now. REALLY makes me angry. Angry because as hard as I try, I feel like it is defining me. Defining my actions, my choices, my friends, my enemies, my feelings, and my quality of life. I need a new definition.

I am so tired of this ball and chain of pain wrapped around my soul, my mind, my body. How do I face the pain, fears, and heartaches and break free? I want to break free. I want to make a new life. I am at a crossroad. What way do I go and how do I decide? Right now I am spinning in circles waiting to get some directions. From where will the directions and new definitions come? Do I have to pull a number and wait for my turn? How long is the wait? Am I even in the correct line? God, I ask a lot of questions that you have the answers to. Help me have hope and faith and peace.

 

[Béatrice]

I'm also happy that you failed!

I'm pretty speechless (overwhelmed) about the rest, still learning about PTSD. It looks like you have an incessant internal quest. I wish you can find that feeling of comfort and security.

 

[intothelight]

Hi PH,

I read your list of questions and they are the ones that I ask myself. To feel depressed, confused, depressed and angry are normal responses to grief. And in a way, were are grieving for the person we thought we were, or the person we envisioned ourselves becoming.

Angry because as hard as I try, I feel like it is defining me. Defining my actions, my choices, my friends, my enemies, my feelings, and my quality of life. I need a new definition.

When I was first diagnosed, I didn't understand that PTSD would not define who I am. I am not PTSD, but I really couldn't understand how it "fit" into my life. The term "disorder" really bothered me as it implied "damaged goods", and I really don't want to be "permanently damaged". But those were clinical terms and I am not "damaged goods". It is more of a framework from which I operate, so I decided to accept it and work on learning how it affects my life.

I want to break free. I want to make a new life. I am at a crossroad. What way do I go and how do I decide? Right now I am spinning in circles waiting to get some directions. From where will the directions and new definitions come? Do I have to pull a number and wait for my turn? How long is the wait? Am I even in the correct line?

You are in the correct line, and by asking the questions you will find the answers that fit you. No one will give them to you, you will have to seek them. Don't let others define who you are, define yourself.

I have PTSD, but I have brown eyes, blond hair, a fear of heights, a love of water, etc. These are things about me and they are neither inherently good or bad, they just are. The definition of good or bad comes from within how I define them.

So when it comes to PTSD, I do not like the roller coaster ride. Therefore, it is up to me to learn how to manage those symptoms. In the process, it is changing my life, but the changes are not bad ones. I am learning to be more healthy, to improve my relationship skills, less judgmental, to slow down and enjoy life, analyze my reasons for doing things instead of just reacting, etc. I am trying to look at the positive side of this, and taking the positives with me and leaving the negatives behind.

This answer is long and a bit rambling. I guess the point I am trying to make is, I chose my own definitions. All my life, I let my abusers define me. Now I do not want anyone to define me, as they do not know me. Only I can know myself, and this time around, I am seeking the definitions and learning who I am.

Life is not stagnant and is full of constant change. How I define myself today, will be subject to revision and revamping as long as I live. I hope that I am constantly learning and refining my self perception, so that I can love myself and love others to the fullest.

Debbie

 

[Deleted member 6617]

I added one more thing to my worry meter yesterday. Well, it got added. Got a lab report in the mail from my mammography I had a week ago friday. There are "suspicious" findings. What the heck does that mean? Anyway, I need to order my last films to be sent to them so they can compare. Sigh....one more thing. God what is going on?

Am I thankful to have failed? Hmmm..... YES. Things have to get better!

Right now it doesn't seem my abusers are defining me, it seems my circumstances are. Though the abusers defined the way I deal with circumstances. Hmmm..... so damn, I guess they are. Stop it. Not acceptable. I love myself, I have value, I have gifts and talents to offer, I am not my circumstances, I am not PTSD. I am not other peoples definition of me. I am a person of value and worth who is struggling right now. I will reach beyond the struggles and be able to function and give back at some point. Right now....I am taking care of me, and it is okay to do so. I am worth it.

 

[Béatrice]

Of course you are worth it!!!
Hopefully those findings will be false positive or something benign.
Let's hope for the best! Link Removed

 

[anni]

I wish they would not term things in such a way. My mother and I both have had those come back like that, and had benign conditions. The interim is dreadful, but please do remember that the majority do come back benign after the second look. My paps always come back like that also, for whatever reason, and for obvious reasons i also go POOF until whatever test disproves my instant notion that I'm going to die tomorrow.

My poor T must be getting exhausted, repeating to me that the self-worth thing is the big fat wart at the bottom of so much of this, PH. We just flatly cannot get any kind of good read on ourselves in the mirror beyond hating what we see so it hurts terribly, this constant reinforcment' of our own opinions of ourselves we think others throw at us. Some of it's *just* perceived, some is genuine. It's kind of a tough world out there, you know? When the self=preception at least includes some self love, one can perhaps begin to structure the inner reponse of DIGNITY. We just plain dam well deserve our place in the world by virtue of being alive on the planet. For me, being able to sometimes finally sort of own this concept deflects other's judgements automatically. Self love isn't some touchy-feely, kookoo, fringe type concept, nor can it be allowed to be self indulgent ot ego maniacal. We really, really need some of it since boy, is it key to survival, much less healing, i think.

SORRY so long, PH. It's merely that I had SUCH a moment of complete comprehension when my T presented this to me. It just felt so RIGHT and I was able to at least connect the dots, if not quite get to the point of liking myself all the time yet. Regardless, even recognizing the concept has been terribly, terrilby helpful with deflecting others judgements, hence defining myself through their eyes, if you see what I mean? I don't know what work it takes to like oneself, just that the knowledge that we even deserve to do it seems to have been what helped, if that makes any sense whatsoever.

So Hugs, whether or not it did make sense. :)

 

[Deleted member 6617]

The damn depression has a hold on me again. Came back to this thread as a reminder of where I have been and how far I have come. So many positive comments to help lift my soul. My soul needs lifting right now. I can't make rhyme or reason as to why I am here again, I just know I have to fight it. No...not suicidal, but very much down in the dark place. Still functioning on the outside, but the inside is a raging storm. I keep looking outward for a shelter, but I guess it needs to come from within. I love walking in the rain, but this is like walking in a hurricane, there is no joy in it. There is so much fear. I am being whipped around and dodging flying thoughts all over the place. When the storm is raging inside so much it seems there is no safe place to go inside or out. It is exhausting, yet sleep eludes me. The anxiety levels are exhausting. Looking for a life line to help pull me back. Can't seem to do it on my own. So much courage and encouragement in this thread. Want to feel it, to know it, and to own it. Need to come back from the dark, and was hoping this would help. I need the help.

 

[Tinyflame]

((((((PH)))))

 

[Froggie]

Holding you in my arms ((((PH)))), candle is burning for you right now.