That's Not 'normal' That's Abuse.

[Momofthree]

Going through therapy has caused me to see more and more that my childhood was not 'happy and normal' whatever that means but was in fact riddled with abuse. Growing up we moved around a lot, but we seemed to always live in remote places. Small towns, farms, no close neighbors. Anyway I have been telling childhood stories to my T. Stories where I'm laughing and remember them as 'good times' and he'll just look at me and say "That's abuse. What your mom did there was abusive."

I didn't know any better, there was no one around to tell me that she shouldn't leave marks when she 'spanked me' there was no body who was going to stand up for me. The small town philosophy was basically "It's none of my business it's a family affair." When I said my mom spanked me they assumed it was with a hand or belt on the butt for something I had done wrong, not with a vacuum cord across the back because I had forgotten to take my boots off at the door. I honestly didn't know other children didn't get slapped across the face so hard their nose bled for 'back talking' I thought it was 'normal' to be woken up at 4 am on a school day to clean up broken dishes because I had left them on the counter instead of in the sink and my mom decided to throw them on the floor and brake them to 'teach me a lesson about obedience' I didn't know that having your legs switched with a tree branch until you have bloody whelps wasn't a proper punishment for any and all forms of disobedience.

So I tell the story about the time I came back from horse riding and see my mother running up the field with a switch, screaming and yelling and thrashing at my legs. I tell about how I asked "Why am I getting spanked, what did I do wrong?" And she says "You didn't do the dishes before going riding!" and I say "But it's Britteny's (my sister) day to do the dishes I dusted today!" and then she stops, says "Oh." and turns around to go find my sister and give her the spanking instead. I tell how I laughed to myself about how my mom got it wrong and spanked the wrong kid and later that night at the dinner table we all thought it was funny and laughed... and my T, tells me it was abuse...

 

[Eleanor]

Well, not "like" you know.

I'm so sorry this was your normal growing up. And I wish it was only you. But all the evidence says that you have ALOT of company.:cry:

There was a bumper sticker once;
"It is not ok to hit people.
And kids are people too.":sorry:

 

[The Albatross]

I think I'd have a discussion with your T about how calling attention to each situation you relate, "abuse" is to help you. What exactly is the technique being used and how is it assistive?

My brain as I was reading... was "okay... okay. Okay now really how is this supposed to be helpful?" But I could just be pinging a little too cuz this happened with a counselor but not with my shrink. The response was to sit there speechless. I don't recall getting any resolution on that one. If it's not helpful, please disregard.

 

[Momofthree]

@The Albatross, his point was to help me see how I went from that to an abusive marriage without realizing that it was abuse. It was more for his curiosity I think, but I found it helpful. I grew up in that environment (along with patriarchal and religious abuse) so when I marred and my husband abused me I didn't see it as "not normal". As a part of my healing I need to learn what a healthy relationship between a parent and a child looks like as well as what a healthy marriage looks like. I had no clue, no natural red flag detector because I didn't know it was abuse.

 

[The Albatross]

Ah, gotcha and relate... because of my childhood abuse... my first marriage was abusive. I did see it as not normal, but I didn't know how to change it or get out of it til he tried to kill me a few times. I did actually though know it was abuse. But it was out in the open and tolerated by all so I thought it (the child abuse) was a "norm" if that makes sense?

For myself, it was a bad combination of my low sense of self worth and attracting and choosing a partner whose behaviors seemed better but somehow familiar. My ex didn't get abusive til after I said "I do" though. My problem then became, okay how can we change this and my mother, never left. I stayed in way way too long and it was almost fatal.

Thanks for the feedback. You're getting better treatment than I did from the counselor I think. I was over it by the time I had the shrink so it never came up.