RecedingMoonlight
Silver Member
"I miss your teenager self"
Well I miss YOUR teenager self but you don't see me telling you that now do you. Sorry but you're not getting teenager me back. Just like I accepted that I'm never going to have the you I connected and loved so deeply back. I have come to terms with that and I have tried to change the way I see you and help you grow as the different you. Meanwhile, you've made no effort to realize that surprise, I've changed since I was a teen, no f*cking shit. You can't expect me to stay the same for 10 years. You've changed too, a hell of a f*cking lot, so don't you shove in my face that I've changed or that you feel like you're losing me. For f*ck's sake I've always been by your side, you just don't like the fact that I'm growing up and that I have a romantic partner, school, and adult responsibilities to take care of. Sorry that I'm okay with spending time in the real world.
Man don't even get me started on the 'real world'. You have such black and white thinking, I wish I could laugh so f*cking hard, but it's not funny. Your "family" is dead. Right. You mean the fictional characters you relate to that can't technically die or age because they're fictional. You're the one who made them "dead" by saying they were. Literally you were the one who decided they were "dead". They're fictional characters. I know you use them as a coping mechanism, but for god's sake, you should not feel suicidal because of an imaginary death of FICTIONAL PEOPLE. Grieving over the loss of a character in a story? Yes, that's understandable, you love those characters and they died as a part of the plot. But holy shit, you should not be greiving over fictional characters as if they were REAL PEOPLE, TO THE POINT OF CONSIDERING SUICIDE. I know you hate reality and that it's dark and cold and you're in despair but holy f*cking shit, you're the one who brought this upon yourself, literally. Fictional characters can't die in the literal sense. You were the one who decided that. You just sabotaged your own coping mechanism. Are you f*cking TRYING to die? Because it's gone past the point of paranoia to the point where I've gone numb to the idea that you might one day kill yourself. I really f*cking have because I'm so goddamn tired. I've done this for years.
For f*ck's sake, I just want to be able to tell you about how I feel and the things I'm going through and for you to not wallow up and blame and hate yourself for no f*cking reason. I'm sick and tired of the 'I hate myself's and the 'I want to go away's and the 'I am beyond broken's. Maybe if you stopped f*cking saying that shit to yourself, you wouldn't feel that way.
Oh, and if you're so f*cking scared of me being able to 'move on' without you, you have no f*cking idea. Yes, it's very f*cking likely I can move on without you, because you're not my best friend. My best friend was hopeful, kind, forgiving, loving and happy, even with her traumas and her anxieties and fears. She believed in me and was happy for me and my successes, even if she wasn't so lucky. She loved sharing the little peices of joy she found, no matter how small. She said "f*ck you" to her traumas and chose to live. She went against society's expectations, was brave, strong, funny, alive, and no matter what pains she endured, she had hope. I don't know what happened to her, but she's not you. And it breaks my heart to know that my best friend died and became this...self-destructive, guilt tripping, co-dependant and blinded person.
I'm here because I'm praying that somewhere, someday, that beautiful person will show herself more than that destructive being. But if you choose to erase that person forever, then you don't get to see the old me you love so much. Because the old me is scared, broken and defeated by whoever you are. Fix yourself. Take responsibility for yourself, your decisions, actions, triggers and abandoment issues. Because I'm too f*cking busy having to pick up my own peices that you shattered out of pure f*cking grief and inconsequence of your actions. If having to put you back together means sacrificing my own peices, I will no longer help you. I refuse to sacrifice peices of my health and sanity in order to keep you alive.
This is my boundary. And it's going to stay there until you learn how to take responsibility for your feelings and episodes rather than blame it on me, on others, and especially use it as an excuse to criticize yourself more. I'm not your f*cking punching bag. If you truly feel sorry for yourself, f*cking grow up and take care of yourself.
Well I miss YOUR teenager self but you don't see me telling you that now do you. Sorry but you're not getting teenager me back. Just like I accepted that I'm never going to have the you I connected and loved so deeply back. I have come to terms with that and I have tried to change the way I see you and help you grow as the different you. Meanwhile, you've made no effort to realize that surprise, I've changed since I was a teen, no f*cking shit. You can't expect me to stay the same for 10 years. You've changed too, a hell of a f*cking lot, so don't you shove in my face that I've changed or that you feel like you're losing me. For f*ck's sake I've always been by your side, you just don't like the fact that I'm growing up and that I have a romantic partner, school, and adult responsibilities to take care of. Sorry that I'm okay with spending time in the real world.
Man don't even get me started on the 'real world'. You have such black and white thinking, I wish I could laugh so f*cking hard, but it's not funny. Your "family" is dead. Right. You mean the fictional characters you relate to that can't technically die or age because they're fictional. You're the one who made them "dead" by saying they were. Literally you were the one who decided they were "dead". They're fictional characters. I know you use them as a coping mechanism, but for god's sake, you should not feel suicidal because of an imaginary death of FICTIONAL PEOPLE. Grieving over the loss of a character in a story? Yes, that's understandable, you love those characters and they died as a part of the plot. But holy shit, you should not be greiving over fictional characters as if they were REAL PEOPLE, TO THE POINT OF CONSIDERING SUICIDE. I know you hate reality and that it's dark and cold and you're in despair but holy f*cking shit, you're the one who brought this upon yourself, literally. Fictional characters can't die in the literal sense. You were the one who decided that. You just sabotaged your own coping mechanism. Are you f*cking TRYING to die? Because it's gone past the point of paranoia to the point where I've gone numb to the idea that you might one day kill yourself. I really f*cking have because I'm so goddamn tired. I've done this for years.
For f*ck's sake, I just want to be able to tell you about how I feel and the things I'm going through and for you to not wallow up and blame and hate yourself for no f*cking reason. I'm sick and tired of the 'I hate myself's and the 'I want to go away's and the 'I am beyond broken's. Maybe if you stopped f*cking saying that shit to yourself, you wouldn't feel that way.
Oh, and if you're so f*cking scared of me being able to 'move on' without you, you have no f*cking idea. Yes, it's very f*cking likely I can move on without you, because you're not my best friend. My best friend was hopeful, kind, forgiving, loving and happy, even with her traumas and her anxieties and fears. She believed in me and was happy for me and my successes, even if she wasn't so lucky. She loved sharing the little peices of joy she found, no matter how small. She said "f*ck you" to her traumas and chose to live. She went against society's expectations, was brave, strong, funny, alive, and no matter what pains she endured, she had hope. I don't know what happened to her, but she's not you. And it breaks my heart to know that my best friend died and became this...self-destructive, guilt tripping, co-dependant and blinded person.
I'm here because I'm praying that somewhere, someday, that beautiful person will show herself more than that destructive being. But if you choose to erase that person forever, then you don't get to see the old me you love so much. Because the old me is scared, broken and defeated by whoever you are. Fix yourself. Take responsibility for yourself, your decisions, actions, triggers and abandoment issues. Because I'm too f*cking busy having to pick up my own peices that you shattered out of pure f*cking grief and inconsequence of your actions. If having to put you back together means sacrificing my own peices, I will no longer help you. I refuse to sacrifice peices of my health and sanity in order to keep you alive.
This is my boundary. And it's going to stay there until you learn how to take responsibility for your feelings and episodes rather than blame it on me, on others, and especially use it as an excuse to criticize yourself more. I'm not your f*cking punching bag. If you truly feel sorry for yourself, f*cking grow up and take care of yourself.
