The Anp

[The ANP]

I miss having friends. Even though I had crappy friends it was nice having the illusion that I could call somebody who cared. These days I pretty much spend every non working moment alone. I am lonely. Since my trauma occurred as teenager, according to my T I missed out on valuable social development. That probably explains why I have trouble making friends. I just feel scared and awkward in social settings so I avoid them. I am confident I will one day build more positive social relationships. Right now I can't help feeling like I am standing in the desolate rubble of the collapse of my oldest and formerly most treasured associations. It doesn't help that my former friends are attending a bday party for a mutual friend and I sit home alone again. I chose not to go because that situation is a trigger for me. I am sure this was the healthy and mature choice but it still feels lousy.

 

[ladee]

Sorry you are missing out, but glad you came here and shared. It's hard to make healthy choices for our self, when that means that we can't do certain things. Hopefully this is only temporary and as you heal, you will have great and trusting relationships... You shared with us, and I appreciate that... sending gentle hugs to let you know, we are here for you...

 

[The ANP]

I used to date a person I believe has Borderline Personality Disorder. He manipulates when he breathes. Today he burned his bridge with our former landlord. (I moved because he wouldn't) today he texts me "nobody loves me that's my cue to go, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry" sounds suicidal. After calling back several times I call emergency for welfare check. He's alive and mad that I called them. THEN he asks to come stay with me for a few weeks because we are family (shared child) Apparently I am a monster for saying hell no. Only took 10k to get away from him last year, no child support I do all... Same man who bedded my former best friend in my bed on my Bday... f*cking balls on that guy. I don't even think he knows what stuck he is. It's like breathing to that asshole.

 

[ladee]

@ANP, I wonder sometimes, if our 'broken radar' sends out signals to the sickest of the sick, just so we get to be in a relationship with them? I am sorry that the man thinks the world revolves around him... which in his world it does... good on you for getting away.... and as far as his perception of you, well, just look at his perception of life and his place in it.... he's not going to think you are present on this planet accept to help him....
Please take care of yourself. You have to love you when no one else does.... or at least like you a little more... sending gentle hugs and encouragement to stay away from him...

 

[The ANP]

Letting go of the past and looking toward the future. The theme on the new moon in Leo... That's easier said than done, but tonight it almost feels tangible. Snuggling my kiddo I cried realizing that he is now almost twice the age he was when I had cancer. I thought a lot about dying 5 years ago as the treatment almost killed me.
If you've never been through cancer treatment it looks a lot different from the inside. I watched my mom go through it from 12-15, then she died. That's all tangled up with the subsequent and many other traumas I had at that age, but we can talk more on that later...
Having a loved one with cancer is nothing like having it yourself. The cure seems to poison you slowly. One day you wake up feeling like God has picked you up and shucked you.
Your body falls apart slowly.
It's funny because the cancer never made me feel sick. The treatment took my body away in pieces. First the hair, then all my nails fell off, I lost all feeling in my hands and feet, my skin blistered in sunlight. I developed boils on my face and hands. I had to wear a cloak in sunshine.
I lost all energy. I couldn't be out of bed for very long. My brain got all scrambled. I couldn't make maps, or remember important things, I was sludgy and still am.
Next I was burned all over my chest with radiation. It hurt to have skin, to sleep, to bathe or wear clothes. That was ok and healed.
Then I had my breasts cut off. There are no words for that pain.
After that came my ovaries. I still lives with constant pain, tightness and numbness in my chest. I can't feel my finger tips and parts of
My feet, chest and armpits. Sometimes I feel ghost pain. I still have brain damage.
Despite all of this I remain grateful for my life and my presence in my child's life. I can't tell you how lucky I am.

 

[The ANP]

Had a screwy dream last night, or maybe it was this morning. I was with my high school boyfriend. The one that "threw me to the wolves" ( his friends kidnapped and raped me).

After being together we walked out of his domicile. He took a skull and threw it in the center of 4 hungry, wild, deranged, homeless men. I said "that skull is not enough, it will make them crave flesh."

They started coming for me and my child. We had to survive the night to conquer. (Same as my rape story).

We were going to get in my car but they were hot on our heels. We ran to hide. No phone, no keys. Picked up a spare cell phone on the way, abandoned selfie-stick. Felt bad for taking.

Found an attic room, thought abandoned. Put my kiddo to bed and went to sleep under some foam on the floor. Heard people coming up the stairs, told my kid to hide with me.

A party was happening. A kid girl about 4 finds us under foam. We are playing with her trying to get her not to tell on our existence.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am thinking that I have similar experiences as you did as a teenager. So I can relate and understand how very far you have come in your life and congratulations for this big event in your life.:hug:

 

[The ANP]

Read a great book. The Body Keeps the Score by Dr Bessel Vander Kolk. Learned two useful things that helped my EMDR processing. 1.you can process emotions without words. 2.where speaking fails writing sometimes works.

Where do you feel this in your body? Tightening in throat and chest.

Can't speak it but can write his words of torture.

There are two kinds of girls. Those you protect and those who have to earn their keep. Your friends are one kind and you are the other. Your friends don't want you around anymore. Your (boyfriend) doesn't want you around. Your mom died to get away from you. You'd be doing your sister a favor if you died. I should just kill you and do everybody a favor. What are you good for? Prove to me that you should be allowed to live...
(Insert debasing and dehumanizing things I had to do to live) according to those f*cked up rules

 

[sedna]

I live with depression and PTSD with dissociation. When I was a teen my mother died. The rest of my fam...

You are so not alone.
I'm sorry.

 

[shimmerz]

Those you protect and those who have to earn their keep. Your friends are one kind and you are the other. Your friends don't want you around anymore. Your (boyfriend) doesn't want you around. Your mom died to get away from you. You'd be doing your sister a favor if you died. I should just kill you and do everybody a favor. What are you good for? Prove to me that you should be allowed to live...

It's like these words were spoken right to me. They resonate very strongly with me. Thank you ANP.

 

[The ANP]

Practicing feeling the overwhelming emotions that are going to drown me, burping the pickle jar of trauma. Today is fear, sadness, grief, worthlessness, anxiety? (not sure if that's an emotion). This feeling of emotions is new territory for me. My ex used to call me a robot when I would shut down during his tirades, but he was really good at turning my deficits against me...
I digress. Today is the day for one of my follow up cancer screenings. It has been 4 years since I finished aggressive cancer treatment at 29. I was 15 when my mother died from her cancer. I inherited cancer... (actually my negative cognition is I inherited the cancer that killed my mom) which I know is not actually true. I inherited the predisposition. I am sure the developmental stress of losing my mom during puberty and the starvation and lack of care that followed coupled with the rejection and sexual aggression I experienced from my peer group as a result (negative cognition, because my mom died I became an easy target, I was raped and tortured because my mom died) Again, that's not true. Yes having no protective family member and suffering depression from grief and loss and not having food to eat on a regular basis made me vulnerable. I was raped and tortured because a group of very disturbed teenage boys thought that would be a good way to teach me my place. Or maybe it was because they wanted revenge against me. Maybe it was because they were sick. Maybe it was because they were normal American boys. Maybe it was nothing and all of these things. I can't really ever know the why of it.
Back to where this started. I have a follow up visit with my Oncologist. It reminds me of my traumatic experiences with cancer. It reminds me of my original trauma as a teen. A very difficult period that started with the death of my mom from cancer. I have a hereditary predisposition to cancer. Every time I have to go see my Oncologist I have to think about my cancer and how scary that was and how fearful I am it will come back and how ugly and scarred my breast stumps are and how disfigured my post menopausal body is and how my body has often been used cruely and how if my mom hadn't died maybe they wouldn't have raped me and how those boys get to live normal unaffected lives and how what they did has effected me everyday for 17 years and how much of my life has been painful and how alone I feel and have always felt.
That's what happens on cancer check up days. Though normally it happens behind the scenes. I give myself props for being able to have and talk about feelings again. Good start.

 

[ladee]

And the courage to share much less endure your history. Thank you for letting us know how you are feeling. As hard as it is. Please let us know how the check up goes. Sending you strength and courage to go along with what you already Have. Gentle hugs