The Complex Repercussions/Nature Of Assertiveness

[EveHarrington]

I'm seriously not being confrontational with you, so I would appreciate if you could just step back and breathe if you feel like I am. I'm never confrontational with you, and actually expect the same respectful behavior. People do disagree you know? It's good to actually listen to different viewpoints on things Eve. Sheesh

Please don’t tell me what to do.

People here disagree all the time.

I’m not the one telling you how to behave...

If you have a problem with me then just put me on ignore. I will be doing the same.

 

[Abstract]

Back to the thread please people. Thank you.

 

[Rani G2]

My theme 24/7...

 

[Friday]

Assertive with _____________ overtones, acchieves different results...

Aggressive
Dismissive
Petty
Cold
Uncaring
Callous
Self serving
Self pitying
Vicious
Backstabbing

Honorable
Trustworthy
Steady
Determined
Fair / Just
Confident
Humerous
Wry
Energetic
Enthusiastic

Dangerous
Powerful
Etc.

Naieve
Flighty
Idealistic
Young
Etc.

Hardly a complete list, but you get my drift by now, I’m sure.

It doesn’t matter which series of traits make up your character, nor how you see yourself, not want to be seen... if someone doesn’t like you, or what you represent.

Ditto, if they do like you &/or what you represent.

Been called a cold hearted bitch as high praise &/or foreplay on more than one occasion, as well as had it screamed at me by people who’d gladly see me dead. Shrug.

Sure... we can whitewash it all with men are assholes, women are bitches, racial slurs, ethnic slurs, demonizing or degrading occupational nods, and the like, the list of pointless slurs goes on for days. Point is? They don’t like you. Or what you represent.

Or they do like you, and it becomes a term of endearment, or token of respect, or it draws them to you because they’re attracted to the quality they see. Regardless of how others -including yourself- see it.

So personality comes into play, in 2 ways. How assertiveness is executed. As well as how it’s seen by others.

 

[Rani G2]

So personality comes into play, in 2 ways. How assertiveness is executed. As well as how it’s seen by others.

@Friday
Your posts are work when thinking... can you explain this? If not.. we’ll I guess I have to think harder. I have a child brain now.

I'd say I learned that being assertive was either pointless or dangerous as a kid.

Same here.

 

[lynn T.]

I believe that as I did learn assertiveness was good for me and opened up some doors of some self-confidence that had been sorely lacking in my life that I felt better overall. My disposition became lighter, I responded to others without so much of my usual hesitation and doubt. I think that doubt can hold one down. It's a bond as strong as certainty if we allow it. I needed it to survive but was probably afraid that being assertive would be met with criticism or something... so I avoided saying what I felt and stuffed it, much to my displeasure to my self and then labeling myself as a "wimp" unable to voice how I truly feel. Maybe our old wounds of staying silent or else endure the consequences of someone's harsh words or treatment because we dared to speak our minds..?

 

[Friday]

@Friday
Your posts are work when thinking... can you explain this? If not.. we’ll I guess I have to think harder. I have a child brain now.

Try thinking of movie characters for a minute, because that will give you a broad overview. Specifically the lead characters in different movies. Leading men / leading women are nearly all very assertive, but they accomplish it in different ways. Some humorously, some viciously, some angrily, sexually, stoically, confidently, quietly, loudly, etc. Ditto, how their personality is received depends on the nature of the audience (in the movie, not watching it). Some ally themselves, some are annoyed, some are threatened, some hate them, some are amused, some are disgusted, etc. Based on their own personality.

Movies have to simplify things, to convey a character in an hour and a half. So, for the most part, you get a very one dimensional “look” at someone. That can be a useful tool when looking at how personality types interact with each other.

 

[lynn T.]

Not necessarily. One can be assertive without being seen like a bitch. Usually who's in the other end of the assertiveness can actually be treated respectfully through assertiveness. Assertiveness isn't one fixed way of doing something, it's a characteristic that can be used in different ways to achieve something. In my job I've had to be assertive and seem like a bitch, and be assertive while being caring at the same time. It achieves different results.

To add to the discussion:

Anxiety can certainly have an emotional take on assertiveness. If I'm feeling anxious I will have a harder time getting my need across in an assertive way, or like Eve says, seem bitchy when I'm anxious about getting something done.

Even how other people around us are acting can affect our assertiveness, the way we think about how their reactions will be (mind reading, body posture reading, tone reading) can heavily influence how we're going to use assertiveness. It can go wrong, it can go right.

Agree with how our anxiety can influence any decision to be assertive, not aggressive. We don't need to beat someone up or cross a line to get our point across, but it has seemed very important to me that I assess or sum up a person before I speak back to them just in case I'm intuiting that they are an angry type or tensing up their facial muscles or fidgeting and too nervous. In that case when I sense they aren't receptive or perhaps acting oddly or bizarre, I won't go there in responding back because I sense there won't be a good outcome of speaking in a civil tone. I think it's a self-protective built in mechanism we develop over time to send up those red flags to cease conversations and move on to someone else who's nicer and more receptive. I don't think talking to anyone who changes our pulse (as in a rapid one) needs too much more attention at the time. I'd rather step back and ask myself what just happened there.

 

[Rani G2]

@Friday
Are you human? Everytime I think I understand things, you give another riddle, when it’s solved, baaaammm something more to think about. I have a pretty limited mindset...

 

[Abstract]

That interaction is something I have always been a bit obsessed with. But its mysteries seem to unfold endlessly. As I think I have a handle of it, another dimension opens up.

 

[Rani G2]

@Abstract... I am dealing with this for so many years.. I thought reading about communication styles is the key... but hmmm still searching/processing

 

[Abstract]

Thought would add some definitions
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