The Dialectics Of Resignation And Change

[freakofnurture]

There's a tl;dr at the bottom.

In the [DLMURL="https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/somatic-experiencing-have-you-tried-it.22214/"]thread about Somatic Experiencing[/DLMURL] there was this little dialogue between the user bankhead and myself:

I've resigned to the idea that I'll have to find a different approach for every single one of my problems, and maybe even a different approach for each stage of dealing with a problem. It sucks big time.

(...) I want to encourage you to believe that you will get there, that just the healing therapy you need will come your way.

It got me thinking.

I think we all have seen in ourselves and others that - especially in the first months or even years of therapy for a mental illness - there lives this idea in our heads that "I just have to do this and this and then all will be okay again." And thus we go and try this and that and some other stuff, and if we're lucky some of the therapy methods we try remove most of our symptoms to the point that we can 'regain' your life; maybe even with these mysterious benefits that have us 'come out stronger on the other side'.

I've been in therapy for roughly seven years now and it took me (or better say: my therapists) nearly five of those seven years to realise that my problem was PTSD because of complex trauma. Granted, that combined personality disorder I was diagnosed with during my first hospital stay wasn't that far off the mark. Still, I have seven years of experience with therapy, my therapists keep telling me that I'm kind of a dream patient when it comes to knowledge, compliance and engagement, but my symptoms do whatever the f*ck they want. I feel like all I have learned is to sit there and not act on my urges until they go away by themselves.

I understand my distorted thinking, I get rid of my attachments, I'm still kicking guilt's *ss, but that's only the tip of an iceberg of yet unidentified psych issues that I have to deal with, also. After seven years of therapy and meds!

Back to the headline: In the treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, the most effective way is DBT, Dialectic Behavioral Therapy in which the 'Dialectic' means 'Dialectic of acceptance and change'. Acceptance. I can't accept my symptoms. I don't want to accept that I am this run down and wrecked, and all because of my stupid f*cking p*rents. I can only resign to the fact that I have to deal with the sh*t they dished up for me.

And I don't really feel a lot of hope. In my experience, hope only makes you vulnerable for the sting of disappointment. Don't get me wrong, I'm still looking, still trying new methods and ways, I'm keeping my head above the water pro-actively, working hard on myself. But I don't believe that it'll take me somewhere in the end. I don't explicitly hope that I'll get out of this one day. I live from one moment to the next, trying to stay alive as best as I can. If this is the road to recovery, so be it, if not... whatever.

Am I hurting my cause? All I know is that I found it exhausting to be in a mindset where I'm looking for improvement all the time, wishing for this, that and some other stuff, too. My life is the way it is and I live it as best as I can. I don't think anybody could do more than that, no matter what their mindset is.

tl;dr:
I'm tired of hoping. It hasn't gotten me anywhere. I just do what I can to live each day as comfortable, healthy and pro-active as I can without thinking about 'improvements' in the long run. If they come, good, if they don't, well, whatever.

My question to you:
What's your mindset concerning your own (self-)therapy? Do you feel you need hope? Could you do as well without it?

 

[Kb3]

I couldn't have gone through most of my adulthood, especially the past four years without having hope that I was finally going to feel better and now I do.

I have had close to twenty years of different mainstream therapies, been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder and overmedicated to the point that my eyes crossed, and NEVER been able to A) remember and then B)tell anyone about my childhood abuse until I met this most recent therapist - who very coincidentally does Somatic Experiencing with me. I've told them everything, done the work, and am getting better. I never thought it would happen but was always, always hopeful that it would.

Until I met this therapist, I never had enough trust in anyone to tell them what happened to me when I was a small child, nor believe that they could help me if I did. What I did tell previous psychiatrists/therapists about my anaesthetic awareness was disbelieved and dismissed. That has enough to put me off most of the mental health industry for life. I don't think that I'll be missing much.

I can say that I have survived abuse, trauma and the mainstream mental health profession/industry. Now that I have found this therapist and therapeutic method I have hope that what has happened to me has stopped dragging me down, and look forward to continuing life with minimal symptoms.

I wish you all the best in finding your way out of your pain, and I would say that yes, for me, hope was the only thing that kept me going through the worst of mine.

 

[Hashi]

I just do what I can to live each day as comfortable, healthy and pro-active as I can without thinking about 'improvements' in the long run. If they come, good, if they don't, well, whatever.

I was interested to read your post. I'm about to start dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) next week. I don't have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (but that doesn't mean I do or don't have those tendencies, it means no-one has diagnosed me of it). I've just decided for myself, in fact I can see logically and I feel on a gut level as well, that DBT would be very good for me.

I'm already trying a DBT skills workbook on my own, and it's both helpful and... um, challenging. Buttons are being pushed!

My understanding of radical acceptance is that you don't have to condone, agree, forgive or learn to like the situation. You just stop fighting or hating the fact that the situation is what it is. I see it as liberating. For example, I've had injuries which slightly restrict what I can do physically. Luckily, this is one thing that I haven't had too much trouble accepting. Because I've accepted that, I've worked with a trainer at the gym to come up with things that I can do. Even though I can't use 70% of the gym equipment, I can still go, I can work out, on a really good day I can enjoy it. I know someone who also has injuries, less restrictive than mine, and in the four years I've known him he has constantly said he can't exercise and he hates that. He's refused to accept the situation, and while he's been railing against the unfairness of it, I've been going to the gym.

Other things are much less easy for me to accept, but that's what I want to work on.

I can't say I have hope. I don't. But I'm driven to survive, not just physically but also emotionally. I'm not sure what I'll say to the therapist about what I want to get out of DBT. The most honest answer is maybe that I just want things to be less bad.

I've been worrying I'll be asked to set goals. I hate goals! I've never once found goal setting a positive experience. II feel like I'm only setting myself up for a fall. It makes me feel pressured and controlled - so I immediately react with a mixture of overwhelm, rebellion and sabotage (might as well get the failure over and done with).

Instead, I prefer something like what you said. I think of it in terms of focus or paying attention. I'd rather decide to pay more attention to self care than to set myself a (to me) list of oppressive aims about the outcomes I want or the actions I'm going to take. And if it's paying more attention then that fits with the idea of getting by, making things more bearable. Improvement is welcome, but I'm not going to set myself benchmarks for it. For me, that's demoralising.

 

[freakofnurture]

I wish you all the best in finding your way out of your pain, and I would say that yes, for me, hope was the only thing that kept me going through the worst of mine.

I see. After reading Hashi's reply I'm thinking, maybe there are just different approaches to solving the same problem, and each person chooses the approach that works best for them.

I'm impatient, I get frustrated easily, I'm pretty lazy and easily distracted. I cannot focus on a goal, much less muster the persistence to work towards it for months or years. I have to be content with the fact that I'm still walking and not think about where I'm going or how fast. I don't even think about steps. I just move along, and as long as I'm moving from moment to moment, it's okay with me.

(EDIT: I did Uni in less than the max. number of semesters allowed and that although I was ill for a whole year; so, it seems to work in real life, too.)

I hate goals! (...) II feel like I'm only setting myself up for a fall. It makes me feel pressured and controlled.

I feel exactly the same way! I refuse to set goals for myself because it stresses me out and causes inflexibility. If I can't abort an undertaking at any time and still have the feeling that I did something worthwhile I won't even start. I have chosen a rough direction for myself, but that's it.

During my last in-patient stay I was asked to set goals. Instead I chose a number of problems that I wanted to work at, completely open ended. I recorded what I learned in my notebook and in the end I had some considerable improvement here and there but would have missed all the goals I could have set for myself. I could have been devastated. Instead I was happy about my progress.

 

[Kb3]

During my last in-patient stay I was asked to set goals. Instead I chose a number of problems that I wanted to work at, completely open ended. I recorded what I learned in my notebook and in the end I had some considerable improvement here and there but would have missed all the goals I could have set for myself. I could have been devastated. Instead I was happy about my progress.

That sounds like a perfectly reasonable and logical way of handling that issue. I hate "goals" too. Reminds me of when I was in sales - do I get a set of steak knives when I've finished working out my problems?

Personally, whenever I hear the word "goals" or "forgiveness" being bandied about by mental health professionals it makes me think one thing - they are looking for ways to have their methods validated. Sorry but I'm there for validation from them, so they can work on their own goals.;)

 

[intothelight]

My question to you:
What's your mindset concerning your own (self-)therapy? Do you feel you need hope? Could you do as well without it?

That was the main reason that I quit therapy, as I thought my therapist took away my "hope" for improvement. I can accept different, but to be resigned to a "functional existence" basically sounded like "putting me out to pasture".

Yes, I am doing my own self-therapy. I follow Anthony's one-page therapy outline and I work on it as it fits my needs, situation, and availability at the time. I hope to gain control over the anxiety and depression so that it does not govern my life. I have accepted the fact that I have PTSD and it will always be a part of my life, but I hope to continue to find ways to manage and minimize the debilitating effects. Otherwise what is the point of trying so hard?

I have hope that I can find satisfaction, happiness and fulfillment in life. The one thing I have learned is that I have to accept myself where I am at and what I am capable of in a particular point in time. I also have accepted that this is a dynamic experience, dependent upon life events and I have to keep that acceptance open and not beat myself up. Hope to enjoy life and really live it. If I didn't have that hope, I could easily give in to looking at what I had been and what I had been capable of; and if I compared it to now then I really wouldn't find much reason to go on.

Right now I need the hope the cancer in my back is treatable. To not have that hope would devastate me. It is that hope to see my children get married, to see my future grandchildren, and to spend time with my husband enjoying whatever time and whatever life we have left keeps me fighting each day.

Honestly, if I lose my hope, the I have no reason to go on. Hope is what keeps me living. Hope is the only reason I survived this far. I did lose sight of it one time, and I that is something I never want to happen again.

 

[anthony]

Do you feel you need hope? Could you do as well without it?

I have never used hope... I've instead used motivation and determination to obtain success.

Hope is not an action emotion, its a belief / thinking emotion. Thinking and believing will not fix PTSD. Being motivated, driven and determined to control PTSD and heal trauma, is what derives the end result IMO.

ITL used hope above, as I deem it more appropriate, in the case of cancer. That is out of her hands, thus a belief and thought of hope is appropriate, whereas motivation and determination won't change cancer... that is all in the doctors hands as its a physical problem.

Mental health, even though a mental problem creates a biological problem, it's also proven the brain is malleable and regenerative, thus a mental solution can reverse a biological situation when it comes to mental health, ie. brain training exercises stimulate and promote regrowth in brain cells.

Just my two cents on hope!

 

[maddog]

I agree that hope in itself is not an action or "doing" state. But I do think it's the necessary mental/emotional driver to achieve the level of mental/psychological action that we need to move forward. Without hope (the basic mental building block of action) I believe that it would be difficult to recruit the determination that is needed to turn the hope into an action outcome.

So I suppose I conclude that hope is necessary, but not sufficient, to achieve positive progress.

Maddog

 

[Kb3]

Hope could be looked upon as more passive than motivation and determination, but there are reasons why some people rely on it more heavily than others, even in situations where they could be taking a more active role.

I guess the reason I have leaned so heavily on hope rather than motivation and determination was because some of the bad things that happened to me, happened at the beginning of my life, when circumstances were well and truly out of my control. I didn't know why they were happening, just that they were, and that they hurt me and made me feel very bad. I had to hope that things would get better, without any real understanding of what better was, or how it would be achieved.

I really love Maddog's description of hope being the building block of action. That's a beautiful and positive way of illustrating how the passive becomes the active.

Thanks for this thread Freakofnuture, it has been very thought provoking for me.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

For me it is less about hope, and more about want. I think of the word 'hope' as I do with 'faith'. It is believing in something that can not be seen or proven. Hope is much the same as it can not be seen or proven. It is a wish. And there is nothing wrong with wishing or hoping.

But I have found by wanting, I have more to gain. As in, what do I hope for myself is not nearly as real or possible as what do I want for myself. I can realize the want or need better than I can the hope or faith. And it probably applies differently from person to person. What we all want or need is vastly different, so how we accomplish it will also be just as varying.

It is more than just word play, which is what I always think of when I come to this thread. It is the way in which we set our goals, and how we do that is not nearly as important as the fact that we actually do it.

 

[freakofnurture]

Thanks for all the input so far :)

Right now I'm thinking, maybe it comes down to the question of 'The Meaning of Life' - in the sense of 'What does life mean to me, and what do I want it to mean to me?'

I want life to mean that I can enjoy enough things to outweigh the sh*t I am enduring. I want life to mean that I'm using whatever talents, abilities and interests I have to derive entertainment, growth and movement from them. This doesn't need a projection of myself into the future - which is what hope does, I think.

 

[intothelight]

I have never used hope... I've instead used motivation and determination to obtain success.

Hope is not an action emotion, its a belief / thinking emotion.

Good point and in regard to PTSD, it is my belief (hope) that hard work and determination will enable me to be successful. In other words, progress towards improvement.