The Downward Spiral...

[Deleted member 28403]

Well, I need to get out of it, but how, how how...?

I keep overeating so much that my stomach hurts, depression, more overeating, more depression, even more overeating and so on...

I just want to rip my stomach off, I hate myself. What do I do? What? Please, why isn't there any magical solution to this, why can't I simply stop feeling this way, and why do people around me expect me to simply stopping feeling like that... I don't know what to do.

Everything is just crumbling to bits and I don't know how to stop the exponential progression. I don't know how to pull out of the death dive. I don't know what to do.

I go down, gf goes down, everything crumbles. I overeat, she starves herself... Why am I so unstable? Why can't I be more stable, why can't I nto be depressed constantly, why can't I be able to endure stress without crashing.

I hate myself. I simply want to die too often. Yesterday afternoon I was near the edge, today I spent the whole day depressed, it quite literarly cripples me, I am not capable of doing anything, whole day.

What do I do, how do I get back into being stable. I just keep fattening, and destabilizing.

Help.

 

[twinkle30]

Hello
I can relate as I overeat myself and am overweight due to that. The thing I learned in therapy is that it's stupid to link my self worth to how much I weigh or eat. It matters so little in the grand scheme of things. We often feel so guilty about how much we eat or don't like it's some kind of moral failing, it's not.

What works for me most days ( I admit I still have bad days) is making sure I eat my three proper meals and not skip so I don't binge later and keeping my mind busy with other things that are not food.

You aren't a failure because you can't control your eating right now.

 

[Della]

@Saelben you're talking going in a downward spiral, you need to try to think about the positive things in life, like talking to your friends and being able to walk and feel the sun on your skin and have sight to see. It can be worse honey because you could be dead and not see and feel these things. Plus you don't want to hurt your loved ones like that. So what you are overweight, a lot of people in the world are but that should not stop you from being confident in yourself sweetie. Self confidence comes from within baby and it takes time to work on that area in our lives it does not happen overnight and you did not develop PTSD overnight either. I want you to be happy that you can eat until your stomach hurts because guess what? If you were dead, you cannot do it or if you were in a third world country, you may not even have food to eat until your stomach hurts. What I'm saying to you is that please cheer up because it will get better for you. :) If you are in therapy, please continue to go ok? It will help you mnage better in the long run. I will keep you in prayer honey :hug:

 

[Ronin]

@Saelben,
What about finding moderation with food, first? You say it is a cycle you're in, and as with every addiction one can't toss out cold turkey by decision, moderation would be the first go-to about it. Fix how you're eating while you can't fix your relationship to food and yourself yet, the rest will come when your body doesn't have to fight itself on the very fricking basics. Easier said than done.

Screw fatphobia. Why are you listening to society on this? Being fat can be damned useful for survival if you've got nothing to eat for a long time. It can be useful outside of that, too, for all sort of protection. Besides, your body shape isn't something determining your value. The value other people ascribe to it is bullshit you don't have to take as your own. It can matter in /your/ eyes only if you let it matter.

While we're at it, those beauty standards are very culture f*cking specific. Where I'm from, well fed people were beautiful. Handsome. Strong. Day-yum. Charismatic as f*ck. All this thinness nonsense is a matter of a few continents, by far not the whole world. One more reason to make up your own mind about it, without accepting what you're handed and going by it.

Your life shouldn't ever be on the same weight as artificial crap like beauty. It's always infinitely more.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Cashew
The problem is I have no inner sense of worth, my whole sense of worth relies on outer sources... I was stable earlier, but here at home there is no food that can be eaten without getting fat, it's mostly unhealthy junk. And every single kilo I gain makes me feel even more shit. Before I could manage 70-72 kg, and now I crawled up to 74, and nothing good is happening that way, because it distracts me and makes me too depressed to do anything productive.

@Della
If only it was that easy, really. Not in theraphy for a while, and also off meds. Everyone thinks simply saying "Don't be depressed", "Stop overeating" will magically help... But how, how to do any of that, how to stop feeling shit all the time, how to stop overeating when feeling completely empty. All I can do is try to balance it out somehow on days when I managhe to pull myself together for a little while by not eating and exercising...

@twinkle86
It still makes me feel like a failure

 

[Ronin]

@Saelben, time to make that sense, then. That's a goal list, with one big goal of multiple composite ones, right up there your table.
What makes you feel depressed? The number? The shape? The how your body feels? The what it can and cannot do? The what it makes harder to do? What exactly? You can work on that lessening. & just because something feels terrible, doesn't mean attitude to it cannot be changed.

Not saying you have shit attitude; saying the way you look at things, is alterable, and to your advantage. You need to name what precisely is the problem first though. And you won't get there if we get stuck at 'I feel terrible, I have no value'. Feelings are influencible, and value, you have, by just being.

 

[Ronin]

By the way do you know how heavy are your bones?
It may all be just regular teenager, growing up, musco-skeletal changes, where you're seeing 'omg I'm so fat now'. I'd first look at what is puberty and what is your standard, before looking at yourself with berating for changes that ought to come one time, and are good for you.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Cashew I know what would be normal for me, and I know what is gaining weight, because it happened plenty of times. I really don't want more of it. And bones don't weigh much, so hardly that.