Of course you can :), it's very encouraging to have anyone here, sufferer, supporter or both. I like your first and second ones very much. Denial used to be my middle name ;). This one strikes a huge chord with me:
I'd be very interested if you ever feel like sharing more about how you're working on that/a discussion about the role of a rescuer. I have lots to say about it, but I will do that later..
Thank you Rainy_daze!
The "rescuer" thing for me stems from wanting to please all the time. I guess the covert message I was getting as a child was that I needed to be a good little girl, I needed to do what I was told, but I also needed to be very vigilant as to what was happening in our dysfunctional family with our new "stepfather" (who announced from the outset that he never was going to fill the role of a father to us three kids, 2 girls and 1 boy). I needed to be able to identify the stepfather's every mood (I'm convinced now that he was a full blown Narcissist) and I needed to be compliant to whatever was required, if that meant keeping myself busy in my room for hours on end and dutifully doing my schoolwork on my own, and always being a good scholar without any input or help from my parents, then so be it. It also meant never asking for anything for myself that would mean a financial outlay for my parents, as my stepfather begrudged spending any money on us than was absolutely necessary. He spent it on himself, fancy alcohol and aftershave colognes, clothing etc.
So I proceeded to follow this unwritten script from young and I never realised how entrenched I was in being a service to others at the expense of my own emotional wellbeing, and how I was unable to set boundaries and how people took advantage of this. So then I started isolating and becoming a loner and keeping to myself. But the loneliness would get the better of me, and then I would go into another relationship with a man, and invariably I would attract men with problems, that I would absorb and make my own problems.
All the while, I felt quite numb inside: the only consistent thing I ever felt was a certain level of constant irritation. I was an irritable, upset woman and I did not know that I was, much less, why I was always feeling so uptight and irritable.
When my relationships broke up, I did not feel great loss, I just felt anger and a sense of being done-in by somebody over and over again.
All the while, I was also still roped into the family dynamic with my mom, who had remarried yet another bombastic man who took over her life again. I denied how off-putting I found it to be in this man's company, and I still rushed over to my mom to do the "family thing" and try to do my duty as a daughter, even though being in this man's company just gives me a migraine and great anxiety at how negative and angry he is at everyone.
In summary: I do not think I had one single relationship/friendship that was entirely balanced. I was always doing the giving and the reaching out (when I wasn't isolating!). I think I even forced my goodwill and help on people, where it was perhaps not really called for, such was the urge in me to be "good enough" by being of extreme service to everyone.
I think part of my recovery process now is to recognise that I am a co-dependent person. I get roped into that "drama triangle" very easily, and I seem to attract very needy individuals, who perhaps are stuck in the victim role. Or I attract persecutor type people, and then I get stuck in a relationship with them, as I feel that I can "cure" them?!
I am trying to use "mindfulness" techniques, but it is very early days for me, and I need to read more about the concept. I believe it is to just allow your thoughts and feelings to run their course without taking any immediate action. For eg, if I come across a very needy person, I instantly start getting roped in and feel very sorry for them, and I over-empathise and if they so much as say that they need a certain thing, I will feel that it is my duty to find that thing for them. So, now I need to let myself encounter those people, feel and think what I do towards them, but then take a step back and try to distance myself a bit. Then I acknowledge that I am just dying to rush in and save the day for them, but: is it really my duty to do so? How did they cope before I came along? What made them land up in that situation? It is not my responsibility to resolve the situation for them. But, I must not either be totally uncaring or mean towards them, or judgmental. I can show loving kindness, and perhaps make a helpful suggestion, but not offer to take over on their behalf!
Also, in my current relationships, I am now trying to play more of a detached role at times. I have had problems accepting help and gifts, favours etc. Now, I have to tell myself that I should let others do for me, as well. If I am offered help with something, I accept it. I will not be the first one to dash in and do a task, I will let the others get an opportunity to do it. Maybe in the past, they did not do something because I was always the first one to rush in and do it before everyone else.
And I am also trying to do "boundary setting", I think I am still in the stage of trying to work out what my personal boundaries are! This is probably the hardest part of it all for me.
I do agree with the concept of the "over identifier" role. It is as though I felt everyone's pain, except my own! I was running away from my own pain and sorrow. This is also why I was always so attracted to needy people - I was taking on their pain, trying to make it go away, and subconciously this was a drive to reduce my own pain. But it doesn't work that way, of course! We first have to stop denying our own pain, identify it and face it, before we can start healing from it!
Wow, now I have really rambled on. This is very cathartic!
