The Endeavour For A Better And Happy Life

[rainy_daze]

This is not a place/thread where I will verbally hate on myself for any mistakes I make or things I struggle with - it will be a thread where I figure out where I went wrong (if I went wrong), and what I can change.

I've been struggling recently. Struggling with living in general. [I have had moments of fun though, which is really good for me. I need these moments].


I think I've identified that because I lack a [helpful] routine of any kind, that it's no wonder I stay stuck in a depression black hole more often than not. [I know self-care, so why do I neglect myself so badly?]

My current goal is to build a routine and stick with it. The rules of this require that I do not go into All Or Nothing mode or Black And White Thinking mode if things go wrong, both of which I'm very familiar with. Instead, I will accept that this will be hard [if it isn't hard, then that's okay with me :rolleyes:]. I accept that some days the routine may waver. I accept that I will most likely sleep too late sometimes. However, I will get better at this with time.

I'm hoping that having a simple routine in the morning, will lead to a better day for me. I won't just be sitting around crying, ignoring feeling hungry, or sleeping. I won't just be in Hermit mode. This is what I'm hoping.

I will come back and update how my endeavour is going when I think I've maintained a routine for long enough to see how it benefits me. [My thinking is starting something simple like this will be a catalyst for bigger changes. The items on my list are huge areas requiring a lot of work. I'm trying not to overwhelm myself with too much at once, while making sure I'm not doing so little I'm stuck]

I'm very tired physically. I'm tired of feeling like I died a long time ago and never recovered.

At the same time I'm grateful - I'm grateful that I keep waking up [literally and symbolically, I guess]. I'm glad to have this thread, and to still be trying, even if the progress feels slow. I've had things to cope with that threw me off the healing path and back onto the road of no hope, so I'm cutting myself some slack.

I still want a happier life. I want a better life not just for myself, but for my partner too. He deserves the things he wants in life.

:hug:s and :happy:s to everyone. Let me know how you are getting on - and if you are encountering any speed bumps along the way like myself. Or what is working for you in your life right now. Otherwise I'm just talking to myself ;):D [Edit: No pressure to respond, I'll still be posting here anyway]

 

[greenleaf]

I just found this thread and am really appreciating the posts. I'm rooting for all of you in your efforts.

My main issue right now, well, this week anyhow, seems to be be in the "social" area. Although I interact with a fair number of people in the 'normal life' level, I feel very isolated at another level. I think I only have 1 friend nearby that I talk to about trauma stuff, and she's often unavailable. Having a good therapist is great, I am very glad to have that.

I've been getting more aware more often of emotional reactions related to old events, and don't feel like I have the skills to talk about them with others or even find words for them at all. Theoretically I'm getting the idea that this level is another one where the 'taking care of yourself' thing could be helpful. (I'm good on the theoretical level. :whistling: )

 

[rainy_daze]

Is it the closeness level in relationships, greenleaf? Are there people [other than your friend who isn't available a lot of the time] whom you would like to talk to, if you could find the skills? What is it you think that would make you feel less isolated? How can you achieve this? Can you explain what you mean by this

I've been getting more aware more often of emotional reactions related to old events

More aware of the emotions attached to memories? Or the way you are affected now - still experiencing the emotions that are like a hangover from past events? I ask because I was reading this article earlier, and it's seeping slowly into my brain [I've read it before, but it's only started sinking in now]: [DLMURL]https://www.myptsd.com/c/articles/guilt-and-shame.8/[/DLMURL]

Maybe there's something in the being unable to find the words, too. You've reminded me of a discussion @Sally sue posted about here: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/a-dark-closet-in-my-head.40684/

My T explained that my emotions often come without words to define them, but I have all the feelings and the sensations, but because they have no language it's hard to deal with them. Some of my most intense trauma work has shown up from the overwhelming obsession to draw something ..... I guess I'm just trying to express myself the only way I know how.

For example, at one point in trauma therapy I was feeling frozen in fear. I felt powerless and overwhelmed by it. So I made a collage of an icy landscape and I put in a smiling female bodybuilder (representing me) in a strong pose flexing her muscles. Next to her I added symbols of strength and protection. I kept the picture out where I would see it often and even took it to therapy a couple of times to help me talk It's like an affirmation, but a visual affirmation - which is very powerful because the subconscious "thinks" in symbols.

I think sometimes words aren't possible @greenleaf , and that thread has some interesting ideas on using visual outlets instead*. It's also interesting because I relate to it, except my trauma isn't kept behind a door, I keep it in a box [that only makes sense if you've read the thread]. It's also an example of people relating to each other, and maybe that is something you feel is missing for you right now greenleaf (correct me if I'm wrong, this is just what I'm thinking. I also realise connecting on here isn't the same as having the other level in your face to face life). That might be a helpful thread, it might not be related. Your post just made me think of it.

I'm glad you have a good T greenleaf, and one friend who can be there for you sometimes. I guess it's hard when you become more aware and wish to feel less isolated, but you struggle to know how to verbalise. I think talking about this here, or even starting your own thread if that would be more beneficial for you, is a good place to start. I'm rooting for you too, lots :tup::).


@Britt.f7 , how are you?

*Edit: you could make a collage about your isolation. Or a collage of you breaking free from that, and experiencing what you want to happen on the other level with relationships/yourself. Just a suggestion. I'm tempted to do one myself, it's a really fabulous idea that Hashi posted. Great when the words are hard to find and maybe is a form of self-empowerment and expression.

 

[Sally sue]

I did, sometime back, a cartoon strip of what it felt like with "my brain on PTSD". It actually continues to help me since I have a hard time espressing how that feels, and my struggles....I showed it to T just so she could see the intensity. (I've often thought about posting it on this forum, but don't know how ha or if it's okay to do so :).

Actually, I share most of my sketches with T because it helps me understand how I'm feeling and why.

It seems silly (and stupid) to me that I can't use words to express myself better, but I guess I have to chalk it up to learning that emotions are unexceptable, and expressing them will be punished :(.

There are lots of mediums AND it doesn't matter what you make, just that it helps you express yourself!!

Warning: my T has helped me understand that I must be very careful who I share these feelings with (the sketches), because sometimes it turns out being very painful and im under attack...some of my sketches are VERY dark.

 

[Tinyflame]

I really agree with your post #37 @rainy_daze . :hug:

 

[Lionheart]

I am working on the following issues:

avoidant behavior
depression,
Insomnia,
hypervigilence,
anxiety with intrusive thoughts and visual images (dissociation?),
nightmares,
self-care and self-soothing,
mindfulness,
chronic pain management
chronic fatigue and 5 other chronic illnesses,
healthy diet and weight management,
exercise and pacing,
socializing, (moving out of social withdrawal),
a "mild" form of self mutilation.
and smoking cessation

At the moment, I am trying to focus on coping with chronic fatigue and pain.

 

[greenleaf]

Hi @rainy_daze - thanks very much for your response.

Is it the closeness level in relationships, greenleaf? Are there people [other than your friend who isn't available a lot of the time] whom you would like to talk to, if you could find the skills? What is it you think that would make you feel less isolated? How can you achieve this? Can you explain what you mean by this

Yes, I think it is partially the closeness level in relationships, I'm realizing that my partner can't or won't really get outside his own patterns, for one thing. That's a current large stress though the status quo of inaction is a temporary 'solution'. ( :chicken: )

Thanks also for the link to Anthony's Shame & Guilt post, I think I need to read that about 20 times and maybe it will start to sink in.

More aware of the emotions attached to memories? Or the way you are affected now - still experiencing the emotions that are like a hangover from past events?

Maybe it's emotions attached to memories? I've been getting as much massage as I can afford from a wonderful person who feels very safe; I get very quick snippets of sort of past environments, with this whole feeling attached that seems out of context. They vanish, then come back. Not all is awful but it's connected to trauma, like my old bedroom as a partial refuge from my brother sometimes. Then something else pops into my mind, like trying to hold the door closed with him kicked at it during a violent episode. I've generally tended much more towards squashing feelings and whole parts of my life than having some of the horrible problems folks have with intrusive stuff. (Except this autumn when my brother sent me somewhat threatening & bizarre emails, that got into my current world.)

There are quite a few good people that I work around, overall. One person in another dept. actually disclosed some horrendous childhood abuse on Facebook, of all places, and got numerous very supportive responses including from coworkers. I'm still trying to reconcile that with how I'm sure at some level that people would react to knowing anything about me. I don't think I want to post this stuff on Facebook! But why can't I just get myself to even have coffee with this person who posted to FB? I can sit here and type and none of it seems from that place. (I'm not DID... ) I did develop some very effective "normal world" skills but that don't touch this other level, except with theoretical thinking about it, research can be helpful in a way.

There is another related thing I think - I wasn't supposed to think that anything that happened to me was particularly bad, esp. according to my grandmother who was pretty much my favorite person growing up. My brother was actually the one who was supposed to be viewed as needing help, because he'd clearly had it bad -- apparently because he was abusing people, avoiding school, doing drugs, etc. (He was also abusing my grandmother, who never told anyone else in her large family about it.) I've been working on that "self-nurturing" thing some; I was feeling actually happy about a bit of that yesterday, and then had this strong reaction as if she'd just yelled at me, nothing that happened to me was very bad, lots of people had worse things.

My contact with these emotions seems to just vanish pretty easily. Not feeling quite as foggy as last month though.

The self-nurturing thing is for what seems to be my body getting increasingly annoyed with holding loads of trauma-related stuff in tight muscles for many years. Shoulder problems, neck problems; am getting more aware that it is related to various old emotions, but only in snippets, like an emotion snippet of trying to move my head away from my brother punching me. But then it's gone again, and neck is still numbly tight.

Will now go pay attention to a cat. Thanks again rainy_daze.

 

[greenleaf]

p.s. @rainy_daze - I don't have a dark closet; my visualization that I can remember from middle childhood is of a large lake, with movement under the surface. I'm not scared of the lake; its surface is calm, no ripples. I remember sometimes a sense of anger from it.

I was angry as a kid that my grandmother and mother were being abused, but didn't feel that about my brother's actions toward me until maybe my 20s, in therapy.

 

[rainy_daze]

I'll reply properly later, I'm just waiting on my dinner to finish cooking. First thing I'll have eaten all day. I'm going to take a long break from the forum soon to work on routine in general [I have a stressful couple of days ahead, so I'll be taking a time out after that. No doubt I'll miss it, but it will be good for me]. Eating more is a top priority. I have therapy soon, so I can hopefully get all this stuff off my chest that is weighing me down. [Sidetracked...] I appreciate people sharing what they're working on and as usual, I have lots to say :laugh:, so I'll post again.

@Sally sue , have you seen this thread?: Dendrite

@Junebug , why is it so difficult? If you have the answer, you'll win a prize. Maybe I'll organise a disco dance and picnic party in Chat for you :happy:.

@Lionheart777 , what are you doing for chronic pain, if you don't mind sharing? I suffer from chronic back pain (lower). My upper muscles are in painful knots. All I know to help my back is some exercises, and painkillers. Let me know. It's nice to see you here :tup:.

I "liked" because I hear you, @greenleaf :hug:. The flashes of your childhood you shared sound so scary. Well done on surviving. I think it's really good you're getting massages when you can to relieve some pain. I get this. :brb:

 

[rainy_daze]

@Sally sue , your T sounds wise. I think it's always good to be careful about what you share or sharing too much in order to protect yourself. At the same time, in my opinion, it's good to start sharing things, to learn how to trust people in your life. It sounds helpful sharing most of your art with your T. I love the thread I posted a link to by the way. I think it's okay to share your art on there/trauma diary/on here (it might become copyright of myPTSD, I would check up on that because I can't remember properly, I've never posted my own photographs or art work) . I like the thread you posted, it was helpful for me. I used to think that whole visualising a box meant I was a bit mad. The more I read here, the less mad I feel ;), sometimes. [Edit: I wonder why we all have visuals like this? A door, a lake, a box... it's interesting]

@Junebug , I hope you're okay. How are you? I feel like I haven't seen you around in a while, but maybe I'm not bumping into you on threads as much or something.

@Lionheart777 , you have a lot of illnesses to deal with :cry:. It's good to know you're focused on helping yourself. Looking forward to learning more from you hopefully. [I want to quit smoking too. Definitely a great thing for better physical health. I've never properly managed to quit, I often relapse]

@greenleaf , I've found the wiki articles very helpful. I think I've read all of them that related to me in some way. I don't know why sometimes things take so long for me to understand. I won't question it too much, because that won't be helpful, but I do wish sometimes that healing was faster and that I was coping better with life.

nothing that happened to me was very bad

It amazes me the capacity that some people have for cruelty, greenleaf, and sadly you've been the brunt of cruelty. I find it hard to articulate. It makes me angry and frustrated. People who loved you have minimised your feelings and tried to get you to repress them. The things were awful, it's just their denial of it to tell you it wasn't bad, and it's terrible how they have, in a way, silenced you. I relate to the being silenced part, although my past is very different from yours.

I'm realizing that my partner can't or won't really get outside his own patterns, for one thing

I wish you all the best in working through that one when you're ready and able to. Thank you for clarifying that for me.

I don't think I want to post this stuff on Facebook!

Ditto to that.

why can't I just get myself to even have coffee with this person who posted to FB?

Are you thinking of meeting up with this person? Please be careful. I guess my gut screams danger at me, rightly or wrongly, but it's your life. I hope you understand what I mean. I guess I can't imagine myself ever discussing abuse in person with someone who discloses theirs on their Facebook profile. That's just me though. my alarm bells can goo off for the wrong reasons, as I'm learning. Plus I don't know anything about this situation, so I'll be quiet. Just always take care of yourself first, that's what I'm trying to articulate.

Thanks again

You're welcome. People posting here is helping me more than they (and yourself) know. So thanks back.


I'm so :sleep: and :eek::confused:, but I still have so much to do over the next couple of days. If I had a routine I bet this would be easier :p:wideeyed:. I need to push stressful thoughts away to get through the start of the week. :banghead:.

My partner told me that when he was leaving for work this morning and going to kiss me goodbye (while I was asleep) I slapped him hard across the face.

:cry: I have no memory of doing this. This afternoon I wondered why he hadn't said goodbye in the morning, and I thought maybe I was so fast asleep I couldn't remember. I'm getting pretty worried about my sleep. I'm sleep talking quite badly, and the nightmares have been consistent for days.

I feel really bad I'm capable of this in my sleep. He says he was close to my face and then whack, a slap right across his jaw. He knows I was asleep and said it's okay, but honestly, I feel bad, and pray this never happens again. I asked him all sorts of question about it. He said he thinks maybe I was having a nightmare. [Also, I hate violence. It's not cool. I'm not a violent person. I would never slap someone. Urgh.]

Just another thing to add to the tell the T list.

 

[rainy_daze]

When you are quitting smoking Junebug [this is on my to do list as well , I started after stopping recently], drinking a lot of water might help with cravings and flushing nicotine away. Let me know when you're quitting smoking - I may be brave enough to join you.

Note to self: Stop putting this off, or you'll never quit. [I posted the above in February :wtf:]

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @rainy_daze , I don't know if I can quit. I mean, at this stage in my life. Or rather perhaps, the difficulty seems in resorting to it for both grounding and energy (and having energy is itself grounding, whereas not having it is triggering because it makes me fearful (cannot 'run', cannot accomplish what I need, get depressed). Also, I think (underlying or even unconscious) self-hatred and self-destruction go hand in hand! Perhaps sleep is therefore huge, as is diet. I'm trying Vit D supplements, but I think Chromium helped more and I am going to get some friday.

Thank you for a 'party', lol! So is the question, "how to establish a routine without All or Nothing Thinking?" I suspect at it's core it has less to do with procrastination or 'laziness' as putting (any, some) worth on ourselves, incorporating it before we lose all energy doing everything else, learning to be kinder to ourselves.