The Evil Choice

[Sdn]

Others seem to talk about their external experiences and traumas, but I'm so disconnected from mine. This is not that, but rather a realization related to growing up in an abusive environment.

My family has a strong culture of abuse. I've noticed that if I meet someone through family they will likely match what I'm about to talk about too, yet those I meet through other ways tend to be a lot healthier on average. It seems very true that "birds of feather flock together".

I've noticed among so many dysfunctional people that they are either oblivious-aggressive or victim-passive. I'm of the victim-passive type. I originally thought that was the good sensible one, but finally over the last month or so I've realized it is really messed up also!

I hate everyone. I hate myself. I hate everyone's dog and the fleas on it. Alright maybe the last one is healthy. Anyway, the choice was a trick one. It wasn't even about who I'd hate and objectify, but instead who I'd be in denial about hating and objectifying! I objectify others as fear-objects and hate the world for making me a broken useless mess, all while thinking I am nice and caring because I let people walk on me and don't lash out. I look compassionate but that is an illusion to defend myself. I'm a monster, but in releasing the denial I feel empowered against these feelings.

The other choice, oblivious-aggressive, would have put me in denial about hating myself instead. That would have made me like the abusive, manipulating family members I hate most. Not making the choice one way or the other wasn't an option, and I don't think it was for the rest of my extended family either.

I think many here who were traumatized by family likely made this choice. I hope my realization can help someone else. The oblivious-aggressive and victim-passive mindsets exist in my mind side by side, not talking to each other and confusing me with their radically different output with no sane middle. After the internal freeze when someone hurts me, this causes massive confusion about what happened and who if anyone is at fault. It may take me hours, weeks, or more to work out what happened when a healthy person could have reacted immediately.

Because of the choice I made my first reaction is self blame. If it had been the other choice, it would have been to blame others. Yet in reality everyone is blamed in my mind at once, and I didn't realize it due to being so afraid of my own thoughts they split apart in fear of each other.

 

[Abrasky]

I can relate to hating the fleas on the dogs back too. To be honest too, I walk outside and everybody looks to me like a stick of gelignite with a flame on the end. I find it that threatening to be with people. I have worked out if I avoid talking to anyone everyone, I can go outside.

It will take me months before I will contact a friend again. Because people are a fear object for me too.I have a friend that I saw for christmas, it also takes me 3 months to work out that she is not a stick of gelignite and a person again and then I contact her. Maybe she is also a gelignite holding on the shoulder kind of person so it works well. This gelignite thing doesn't apply to my family. Generally anyone in my home, I don't see as gelignite. Lucky at least I do well in my family.

I have compassion and a gentle nature which my psychologist says that is my real self. I have a trauma personality from when I was 9, I also have trauma personalites from my attack when I was 19. It is like an accident, it can heal although it isn't pretty. But accidents aren't supposed to be pretty. My PTSD isn't pretty, I don't know anyone with pretty good PTSD.

I believe I got my problem of hating people when I was attacked 13 years ago.(my PTSD trauma). Before this I was bubbly and had a leadership role, a job, many friends and was studying a uni degree. So it is safe to say, I liked people then.

I think the key to my 'hating people problem' was in the 30 minutes after I was attacked. I completely lost memory of what happened after I was attacked after the attack. It became a blank for me.I thought the next thing that happened is passing my dad in the hallway 4 hours later. That was when my memory resumed. I didn't realise I had lost my memory until I got it back recently.

My memory of my trauma wasn't laid down properly. (which can happen in a trauma). So the people I was in contact with a half and hour after my trauma, got this memory of my dad threatenening my life and being abusive as a blur for my definition of them. I actually thought my mum threatened my life in a sort of way like " you die or you are no use to me kind of feeling" and my dad's memories got muddled up with her. It was my dad that actually behaved like "you die or you are no use to me kind of feeling"

What really happened after my trauma was she was compassionate (As she could be) and looked sad. She told me to wash the dishes so dad would not be angry. There is also a vague feeling of her later not wanting be to be happy and beign happy caused violence. (A running theme in my family) Since getting the memory back I sought of started to like people again. Because my bond with my mother has (emotionally) been attached again.

I think trauma when it lays down, can lay down wrong as as a blur, almost just like it happens. That is why people are sticks of gelignite with a flame for me, my mum was the person I bonded with and used as an my program for getting along with everyone else. If I suddenly thought my mum was like my dad, it is safe to say it messed up how I viewed other people and myself.

Generally of of you to me are to me sticks of gelignite, but no flame. Flame doesnt' travel by telegraph wire. I suppose that is better that having a flame by about a little bit. At least you aren't going to cook.