The Feeling Of Pleasure Isn't So Pleasurable...

[Manic11]

I know there has been some similar threads on this subject but I couldn't seem to find any answers to my situation so here goes one more...

I grew up being sexually and physically abused by my father, I have been sexually assaulted by a few other men, including one that stalked me and assaulted me regularly for years. Because of this, whenever it comes to anything intimate, I get scared.
In my mind, I don't feel like it's ever okay to have sex. I feel that its wrong, horrible, embarrassing, etc. Also, my brain interprets the feeling of that sort of "pleasure" as a negative thing. I am okay with kissing (as long as I don't feel too closed in) but anything further than that and I get really scared.
I feel that I'm going to get hurt or if I don't get hurt, I feel that I just did something terribly wrong and horrible.
Does anyone else have this issue? Does anyone have any advice on how to get passed this?

It makes things difficult for my partner sometimes and I have talked to him about it. But the only answer we can come up with is that we just won't have sex and if the time comes, I will try... :wall:

Thanks...
Manic

 

[Marlene]

But the only answer we can come up with is that we just won't have sex and if the time comes, I will try... :wall:

Sometimes that's just the best you can do. That's probably not the answer you want or were looking for...but, with a past of sexual abuse, it's what's reality for us. For me, I have to be the one to instigate any sort of intimate contact or I just freeze up and feel an overwhelming amout of fear. That's not good for either of us. I also know there are certain times (like when my symptoms are up) that it's best to let that sleeping dog lie. I feel like I pretty much have to have all the stars aligning to get to a place I want to be. I still have to put up emotional walls against the memories that even being touched bring up. Fortuantely I have a partner who's very sensitive to how difficult being intimate is for me.

I wish for all of us the absolute lack of difficulty in being intimate with someone we love. Unfortunately I doubt that wish will come true and we'll all have to keep bumbling through this.

Lisa

 

[cherryblossom]

Manic, I don't know whether this will be of any help or not. I have a lot of trouble with intimacy and sex. During my last relationship, I came across a book called "The Sexual Healing Journey (a guide for survivors of sexual abuse)" by Wendy Maltz. She basically discusses a step by step process to help survivors of sexual abuse develop healthy sexual relationships. With specific exersices and thought patterns etc that you do both with a partner and alone, to help you regain intimacy and to help you to learn to enjoy sexual experiences again. If your partner is prepared to take slow baby steps and help you along the way, then this could help you both.

I will add at this point that I didn't get the chance to try out any of the techniques etc discussed, because my relationship didn't work out. That means I can't really personally recommend it; I can't say, yeah it worked for me. But I did read the book from cover to cover and discovered some interesting insights. If I'm ever in another relationship, then I'll be re-reading that book, because I know I'll have a mountain to climb to ever enjoy sex again. It may just help.

 

[Marlene]

That means I can't really personally recommend it; I can't say, yeah it worked for me.

I read the book and it is so well written. It worked for me and I recommend it anyone who's dealt with sexual abuse in their life. It doesn't teach you how to make the issues go away (too bad!) but how to deal with them.

Lisa

 

[ISupportHer]

The book Courage To Heal (I think that is right) has a companion work book that I am pretty sure has some exersizes along these lines. Just a suggestion, you may be able to preview it at a book store to see if it has any helpful content. Not sure if it would be in a library.

If you are interested in any additional information, let me know , and I will look for a specific title.

ISH

 

[Manic11]

If you are able to find the title, ISH, I would greatly appreciate it. I'm going to look for both books. :)

Thanks everyone.

Manic

 

[Nicolette]

Manic you can buy it through Amazon.... Dead Link Removed

 

[ISupportHer]

Yes Nicolette, that link, for me anyway, had the workbook at the bottom. Also the companion book for partners that I mention occasionally in posts.

Manic,
I have to admit I have not looked at my wife's workbook because it has areas you write things in and I kind of view that as a diary. I do know that she mentioned some of the content that is suggested to kind of help you work through some of the sensations in steps. Too detailed for here I would guess. But I did see that the link allows you to view the table of contents.

I wish you the best!

ISH

 

[blarneystone]

It's all about the way we wire and experience things through our perspectives. Fear is pervasive... An ex of mine was abused, and we worked through it for years, and as for the book provided I cannot personally speak for it, but my ex did speak highly of the Wendy Maltz -- She even has a website : http://www.healthysex.com/ That I would suggest as just a general "go to" for anyone suffering along these lines. It lists all of her books on the sight as well.

 

[ISupportHer]

Thanks for those references blarnystone. I think the Carer's/partners part of this can be so very important. That we accept and believe our sufferers, accept our feelings about it, accept we can't change it and of course follow the Sufferer's time line, especially in issues surrounding intimacy and sex. The Sufferer's needs HAVE to be placed before the partner's physical needs. To me, it is a "DUH", but I know some sufferers may not have that understanding from a partner.

ISH

 

[Manic11]

The Sufferer's needs HAVE to be placed before the partner's physical needs. To me, it is a "DUH", but I know some sufferers may not have that understanding from a partner.

You know... I'm glad you said that, ISH. Its weird to read because most don't think that way though. I guess its hard for a sufferer to admit that as well... I'm always afraid of being selfish... For example, if I get triggered, I feel very selfish.

Thanks for the site, blarnystone.

Manic

 

[TLight]

I'm dealing with this now too...........plus, perimenopausal and I put on 7 lbs due to meds.

I used to be oversexed before I 'knew.' Now I just sort of feel dead and go through the motions. I couple of times, if I can get me head in the right place, it was good..............but it's so hard to get my head in the right place. Sort of like I just don't care about it anymore.......hard to get aroused.

No solutions, except I know my partner needs affection.........so I try to start with that, give him lots of that. If it leads to something sometimes, well, I'll go with the flow cause I know he wants to........I usually don't, but I do it anyway. Not so sure if that's good........but he has needs.