The Feeling Of Pleasure Isn't So Pleasurable...

[Tija]

I grew up being sexually and physically abused by my father, I have been sexually assaulted by a few other men, including one that stalked me and assaulted me regularly for years. Because of this, whenever it comes to anything intimate, I get scared. In my mind, I don't feel like it's ever okay to have sex. I feel that its wrong, horrible, embarrassing, etc. Also, my brain interprets the feeling of that sort of "pleasure" as a negative thing. I am okay with kissing (as long as I don't feel too closed in) but anything further than that and I get really scared.
I feel that I'm going to get hurt or if I don't get hurt, I feel that I just did something terribly wrong and horrible.
Does anyone else have this issue? Does anyone have any advice on how to get passed this?

Manic, I don't have any advice to give you, but I just wanted to say that I can relate alot to how you feel. You are definitely not alone...

I had an occasion of sexual abuse myself, and I believe that this is why I also feel/felt sex was wrong, horrible, dirty and embarrassing. I tried to deny or suppress any sexual feelings all my life as much as possible... They were very very scary to me. I never even really knew what my problem was, because I never talked about it, and never thought about it..

After more than 1 1/2 years of therapy, I am seeing that I am/was like this because I took on the shame that my abuser should have been feeling ! He was the dirty one.. he was the one who was wrong.. He made sex dirty. OK, 1st step - Revelation!

So, I think I definitely have a ways to go still to sort through this all. Mainly, I guess this issue is still standing because it is one issue that I never have been able to talk about with my Psych. I just haven't been ready with that one just yet.. I may well have to save it for a woman Psych, down the road.

Take care :smile: Tija

 

[suzie q]

Manic... I understand and am experiencing some of the emotions and thoughts you have concerning any type of sex.

I know that the rapes I've been through cause a lot of gut reactions when sex is even mentioned. I feel unsafe, dirty, and I just want to run when it gets to that point. I have been married 23 years and my husband understands my feelings. He has been very supportive the last 12 years and has not initiated any sexual move. I feel guilty and shameful.

My meds cause me to have no sex drive, I think I'm starting menopause, but I still panic. I know my husband needs love, and I try to give that in other ways. He is a sexual being, I'm not. There was no pleasure and there is none now. My mind just can't get past the panic...all the therapy, sexual healing books, sharing my feelings with SO, can't get me past the panic and feeling unsafe.

My SO is so wonderful and supporting in this area. I just keep processing, praying, and educating myself so I will some day reach out. I can't beat myself up, I just keep on learning.

suzie q

 

[Lucycat]

I too am very pleased to have found this thread. This is just what I am struggling with at the moment. My husband is very Understanding but that does not make it right. I know some of the previous posts have said 'well that's just the way it is' when you are a survivor. But I'm not prepared to accept that. I am determined that my sex life can be better, and that in the future I will again get some enjoyment from it.

I am tackling this very specific area with EMDR. It is incredibly hard, and I hate having to discuss it with my therapist. But I also know that this is the one chance in life to sort it. The EMDR has certainly helped with the processing of 'old' memories. Flashbacks have stopped and I am having very few nightmares/bad dreams. So I have faith that it will eventually work for my current sexual difficulties too. I am constantly reminded that it all takes time, and I shouldn't try to rush it.

It is so good to share this on here as you really can't bring it up in polite , social conversation although its on my mind so much of the time.

I look forward to reading some more positive posts from people who have succeeded with this and now have a healthy, normal sex life. Perhaps, though they just don't come on here any more as their need has passed?

Good Luck to all, Lucy x

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Sex is a big problem with me too. Just this morning my husband was saying how "sexual frustrated" he is. I avoid going to bed when he does....or hugging him, touching him, kissing him.

I think ( and maybe I'm wrong) that what Isupporther said "The Sufferer's needs HAVE to be placed before the partner's physical needs. To me, it is a "DUH", but I know some sufferers may not have that understanding from a partner." is good. Makes me feel very very guilty for saying it but yes. I know my husband has needs, and I know I can't always for fill them. I just can't. When he approach's me, that is when its the the worst. Sometimes when I'm not having a bad day, I can start it. I enjoy it, it mostly just getting it going. But its not enough for him.

Sometimes I wonder...if bothering a PTSD suffer with sexual truama for sex is a mental hurtful thing? Can that be good for someone? Or having sex because you feel you have too? Doesn't sound healthy to me.

Just a thought.