Death The Five Stages Of Grief

[anthony]

I thought it appropriate to list the five stages of grief here, as whilst these stages can be nearly applied to trauma in general, they were facilitated in relation to death specifically, and thus this forums topic is.... Death. Weird or what? Ok... enough joking.

The Five Stages of Grief is called the "Kübler-Ross model."

1. Denial - Straight forward really... how many times have you heard, or said yourself upon the death of a loved one, "they aren't really gone! They can't be dead!" Or such statement? Denial is very evident.
2. Anger - This is a pickle of a stage, the "why me?" "who is to blame?" You're looking for everyone and anyone to blame for the death, whether blame is relevant or not.
3. Bargaining - You can't buy your way out of death, or a loved ones. It doesn't matter what you pray for, death is imminent and everyone is going to die, regardless how much you think swapping or doing something will change the end result.
4. Depression - The reality is starting to set in that you, or someone you love, is dying or dead. Everyone handles this differently, from getting drunk, drugged, laying around doing nothing and so forth. But you're nearly there....
5. Acceptance - The end result, that you accept there is nothing you can do to change the outcome of death, and that the person isn't coming back or you can't stop the death. Reality has set in and now you can get on with life.

I've seen this so many times, it really just isn't even funny any more. I see this in most people with severe trauma, let alone death. Regardless the traumatic event, these stages realistically apply to all cases. The stages can last hours, days, weeks, months and even years.

 

[SeanCharles]

Thank you, anthony! I was trying to remember what #5 is/was... I know also, that there is a 6th and final stage that comes after acceptance. That one is "Reaching Out". In terms of these five stages, they are not by any means in any order, they come and go as emotions do, I am so happy that I found this, I am going to bookmark this one for sure.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you so much for this thread Anthony. After losing my husband a year ago, I have been able to move on restart my life. I consider myself very lucky to be here now. I am also reaching out.

I am also at the stage of planning for my future and considering things and to have dreams again.

Feeling real joy in my life has been the latest emotion to arrive in my heart where it does the most good.

I can also see that I still have need of healing in my life and am working on it.

 

[hailstorm]

Could these stages possibly be of use in trauma work? Someone or something has killed, squelched, or extinguished our spirit and we are trying to retrieve it.

Denial-we have forgotten, hide from, or avoid our traumatic experience
Anger-we are angry at ourselves, others, or the world for allowing the trauma to happen
Bargaining-we try to self medicate, work in therapy, or find other resources stating if we do these we will feel better
Depression-we believe we are at fault, we hate ourselves, we think of death often
Acceptance-we overcome our guilt, we forgive, we live

 

[anthony]

Stages of grief are common in trauma work, yes. When you endure trauma its common a person goes through denial of there being anything wrong, then angry at the world for what you endured, trying to reason any other explanation, an easy way out of this... you could be depressed the entire way through, as there is no definitive arrangement and these can change places, then acceptance that you have to work hard through your trauma to return to a newer, better and improved you... the person you want to be, not the person you have accepted you've become.

These stages are quite universal across many applications, and can switch around in all cases.

 

[Fadeaway]

What if you don't know what you feel, other than it hurts? What if you are confused about how your are feeling? Where does that fit in?

I didn't feel like this when my mom died. I didn't feel anything when she died. I feel something now and I want it to stop. I feel so confused. I certiantly don't feel like I fit into any of those categories. I am just trying to make sense of my own thoughts and feelings.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thanks for bringing this thread back up. Well here I am a year and a half later from my husbands death and I am being hit so hard with feelings of loss and grief and so I agree it is in stages and not always in the right order.

I am in so much pain of loss right now and must have been in denial last year. The holidays are triggering the loss. I am moving on with my life and so much changes have occurred in my life and soon I will be looking for a job and all that entails.

Getting out of my comfort zone has its own stages of grief because radical changes are scary.

 

[Fadeaway]

@gizmo wouldn't it be nice if grief came with a rule book. For example "If you do X you will start to feel better by Y amount of time" And holidays are very evil things meant to create suffering IMHO.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Fadeaway you are so right on with the rule book how I wish.

 

[SeanCharles]

I know this is the five stages of grief, yet people occasionally over look one key thing about emotions... Emotions are neither right nor are they wrong! They just ARE! The only way to work these stages is through them, avoidance, trying climb over or around them only makes the stage more difficult. In a real sense, these stages do set their own time.

Sometimes, I have found myself stuck in a particular stage because of trying to skip that stage. I know from previous experience in which I first learned and worked with this through a series of grief situations, some of which is baggage I couldn't work on then which has brought me to where I am and this forum is my place to work on and eventually unpack and dump some of the unnecessary weight from some of this baggage ( trauma(s) ).

--SeanGeo

 

[anthony]

The stages do not always move in order... just FYI.

 

[Kintsugi]

I've heard the idea of the five stages of grief is sort of a crock of crap.

I think the stages are relevant and usually all or most are present surrounding the death of a loved one, but I certainly think the order is arbitrary.