The Friend That Won't Let It Go

[mephoto]

I have to make this short and to the point because I am at work and my boss is here, but need some feedback.

Some of you already know that I have a friend who just keeps pushing my buttons. I think she sees it as tough love, but it makes me mad and shuts me down. She usually is a pretty good supporter of me when I am just having grumpy days, but lately I have been having some bad days relating to PTSD.

She keeps pushing. I keep having a talk with her about why that doesn't help me and it seems to only stick a few days. Then when I turn to her on a bad day she says she knows how I feel and that I will feel better if I just _____.

She is wrong almost every time, and I am tired of repeating myself. It's giving me unpleasant feelings towards her that grow everytime she doesn't listen, and if starting to care less and less if she ever does.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Is this the same friend that you mentioned in chat? The one who isn't really a friend, just sort of available? I remember what was said, just don't understand why you insist on keeping such a bad person in your life.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

In my opinion, this woman is toxic and does not see and hear the real you. I hope you begin to fade her out of your life and you will begin to feel better.

I went through a similar situation and I had to cut her out of my life and I just felt such great relief. Good luck in finding your own solution to this problem person.

 

[mephoto]

It is the same friend. I guess I feel like I don't have anyone else who lets me freely talk about my condition, but that isn't helpful if she rejects it right?
She seemed to understand after I spoke with her last weekend, but then dug back in today.

 

[illusionist]

with respect solara...I am personally a bit peeved off of people bringing up on the forums, what has been said on chat. In my mind, what is said on chat is a private conversation to those that have read it..and should not be brought up on the forum. Anything that is brought up on chat, and later is brought to attention, should be discussed personally imo. It is basic respect imo.

 

[mephoto]

I chat with solara often, and you saying that doesn't help me in anyway whatsoever @richter scale

 

[illusionist]

As always mephoto, we take what is useful to us.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@richter scale,

Nothing on the internet is private, and if you think chat is private, you are sorely mistaken. I won't apologize. Let it be your own pet peeve. Chat is public, this is public. The only forum rule is that private area stuff doesn't get posted in public areas. ie private sufferer forum to a non-private area.

 

[mephoto]

@richter scale i am not sure what that means. It may be rude to say, but why would you put a useless comment about yourself on a thread for something that I am asking for help for. That's disrespectful imo.

@Solara or @gizmo I guess more of the advise I was looking for was when you have been in this situation, did you have to make it clear to them that you couldn't have them around anymore? Let them phase out? Or take a few steps back and not let them be as close? Her toxic actions are all pretty recent and it is kind of a shock to me.

 

[illusionist]

It is not a useless comment about myself...but for others. I will reflect on what I have said and the answers I have been given. Thank you.

 

[Justmehere]

I had someone in my life like that. I told them to stop and they didn't. So I held the boundary. I told her that I will have to cut off all communication except a professional and polite hello in passing unless and until she could learn to leave her suggestions and agenda behind.

In my case, it was a long term and dear friend who had not been this way in the past. I don't know why she changed to be that way, but once I was very clear about the specific actions she was doing was a deal breaker for my ability to remains friends with her, she changed and frankly, I changed to. I realized how much I played into feeding her overly ambitious attempts to rescue and impose her ideas on me. We have a great friendship now, much to her credit.

I had another friend, who tried to be super rescue-y too. I told him to stop, and also made it clear in a serious way that I would have to end the friendship if he kept pushing his suggestions on me to fix my life and symptoms. I told him I need that to be between me and my therapist. He never did stop with all the unasked for advice and suggestions and I ended all contact with him. It was painful to do but it was right for me.

Edited to add: There have been other toxic people that I have allowed to stay in my life that I got too close with and didn't hold boundaries with. Those relationships mostly ended pretty badly. They ended when I either lost all composure with them and told them off very badly or they quit in painful ways out of their frustration they couldn't ever rescue me.

There are others that I just let them be themselves and don't ever reveal much of my life to, and try to remember the attempts to give suggestions are more about them and their stuff than me.

 

[mephoto]

Thank you for sharing @Justmehere ... I know the relationship in my case isn't going good and I want to know how others handled the same situation