The Friend That Won't Let It Go

[sun seeker]

I want to know how others handled the same situation

Sigh. Not very well. I have two friends who like to give me lots of advice, but somehow it comes across differently from each of them. One of them is pretty sensitive and attuned to people's signals, so when I start looking uncomfortable or changing the subject, she will follow suit. I know she truly cares and at least somewhat gets what I am going through, and would be there for me in a crisis. She may have her opinions about what I should be doing that are different from mine, but she respects my choices. Her advice comes across as empathetic, even if it isn't quite right. I can still talk to her.

The other I get a different vibe from. There is little common life experience for her to understand what I am going through, and I very much get the sense that her advice is coming from a judgemental stance, as in "if you would only do XYZ, it would get better, so why aren't you doing it?" I've told her several times that I don't want advice, but she can't seem to get her mind around it and will give advice disguised as questions, like "have you tried XYZ?" (which is invariably something so simplistic that I am biting my tongue not to make a sarcastic reply). My response to this is necessarily different. I've almost completely stopped telling her what is going on in my life, which does make for some uncomfortable silences. We still get together from time to time and do practical things without a lot of talking, or else we talk about her life and leave mine out of it, but our contact has gone way down. I get the strong sense that if she can't fix a problem, she is uncomfortable knowing about it.

So I guess it depends on the particular dynamics between the two of you. If you have repeated what you need and she isn't able to respect that, and it's really getting to you, you might need to limit the kinds of interactions you are willing to have. It doesn't have to mean cutting her out of your life completely unless she won't respect your boundaries at all.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how sad, frustrating and isolating it can be. I hope you have other people in your life you don't have to be so guarded with.

 

[Momofthree]

I have a person like that in my life. He gives great, practical advice but has no clue what it's like to have PTSD... He's a good friend and I like hanging out with him I've just learned to filter what I say to him. I only give him surface level emotions and don't let him get past my outer walls. I put my friends in categories and only let certain people reach certain levels. I can also fake being happy really well if they come along and start asking whats wrong.

 

[mephoto]

Has anyone found that it is easier to trust, or even just be around in general, pre-trauma friends? Even if you see them less than others? People who got to know you before ptsd, stuck with you through the worst of it, and are still around?

 

[Kefira]

People who got to know you before ptsd, stuck with you through the worst of it, and are still around?

Wow... I wonder what it would be like to have anyone who actually stuck around. I use a different name now, and I realized a couple weeks ago that only my parents have called me by my birth name in years.

To the original point though, I'm horrible with boundaries. Truly awful at setting and keeping them. I have a couple friends though who just love to give advice, and it's always very limited to how they (as fully functioning relatively mentally well individuals) would handle something. I find that I tend to distance myself from those people because being around them too much will drive me crazy and tear down what little self worth I've managed to build up.

 

[Momofthree]

Has anyone found that it is easier to trust, or even just be around in general, pre-trauma friends?

Yes! I have three pre-trauma friends who I lost touch with when my abuser isolated me but when I left him I was able to re-connect with them. They are the ones I trust the most even though I only get to see one of them regularly (the other two are coming for a week in the summer and I can't wait for the four of us to be together again!) I feel like I can trust them because they are the only ones who really know ME (the me without PTSD). So when they say something is a PTSD symptom or that I should think about it in a different way because it's my PTSD brain that is lying to me I believe them, because they would know... Anyone who's only known me post abuse I have a hard time believing when they tell me its my PTSD and that I should trust them.

 

[mephoto]

When she started it up again today I just stopped answering here. Arguing with someone about what I feel or don't feel is exhausting. She can pretend all she wants that it is the same thing as general anxiety, but I have less control than that, and it's not just anxiety, its a ton of emotions I don't want hitting me all at once. I feel like by not responding to her last book of "I can fix you" has actually helped me better see how destructive it is.
Today I was talking about something's that happened yesterday, and she kept turning it into something it wasn't, kind of reading into it from HER point of view ...
I want to get mad and say "stop, just stop, you are being so ignorant right now!", but I don't want to make her feel bad. However, by dropping it instead of dragging it out has put me in a much better place at the end of the day.

 

[digger]

Chat is public, this is public

I think chat is a member only area (i can't view chat unless I am logged in), and this has been posted in a forum that can be viewed publicly (by members and non members).

I know in this instance @mephoto has said she doesn't mind, but in general I don't think it's okay to bring something someone else has said from a more private area of the forum to a public one.

ETA sorry mephoto, I am actually responding to your post as well it's just taking a while to engage my brain properly to write it!

 

[digger]

did you have to make it clear to them that you couldn't have them around anymore? Let them phase out? Or take a few steps back and not let them be as close?

I had a similar situation with someone a couple of years ago. It felt like I was explaining how it was for me, but they were repeatedly getting frustrated with me for how it was for me, and expecting it to be how they perceived it to be. I don't know if in someway it was a kind of misguided, or misplaced thing - kind of minimising because she didn't want it to be so bad for me more than minimising because she thought it was less. Some kind of denial on their part because they don't want their friend to be in such a bad place? I don't know. I ended up with this person pretty much cut out of my life for a bit as a result. She has recently got back in touch with me, but I am keeping her very much at arms length now.

I just stopped answering here. Arguing with someone about what I feel or don't feel is exhausting.

Yep. If she can't accept your reality and work with you from there then I think saving your energy and leaving her to it is probably the best course of action.

Apologies if this doesn't feel like a very coherent post. It's one of those morning where I know what I mean but who knows where the words for it have gone, trapped in treacle somewhere :rolleyes:

 

[anthony]

Chat is public, this is public.

Chat is members only, this is public. Talking about things in chat on the public side is not an issue, as exacts are not given, i.e. copy and paste, however; one should remember that chat is a more private area and thus one should be extremely careful to not breach the legal policy in relation to bringing more private content to a less private area of the forum, e.g. members only to public. Hint hint. The way this has been generalised is why no action is taken, as that policy has not been breached with a copy and paste, but referenced in general terms only.

Then when I turn to her on a bad day she says she knows how I feel and that I will feel better if I just _____.

This person you have is a fixer. You need to feel better by telling someone, they need to feel better by having fixed your issue.

 

[mephoto]

@anthony I needed to write a quick post to get some feedback. I have spent a good amount of time in chat, I mentioned that some of those people might know more details to a shortened version of my issue. I had no problem with people I know referencing a chat conversation, I would have wrote the story out if i had the time, however I thought it was unnecessary that someone took offence to someone referencing chat when it did not effect them.


Thank you to those who posted helpful stories, comments, support and advise, it made me feel much less alone and confused about my feelings towards this person. My friend is out of town for the weekend and I have decided to just give myself some space from her. I thought back to some of those people who have always known me and made contact with a few that I had isolated from for too long and started pulling them back into my life. They knew me as me before PTSD, and one who also has some sever anxiety from abusive relationships and understands my triggers and how to respond when i talk about them. My friend i am having the issue with is definitely a fixer, but I don't need fixing, I need support, and someone to life me up. Last night I did spend some time with a friend that I have not spent time with in close to two years, and it was good to be with someone who, after everything, still responds to me like I am me. I am feeling good today.