Relationship The Hardest Thing I Have Had To Do

[Molly Anne]

but for me it was the best one, at that moment in my life...

This is so very true. I'm having to learn more to "live in the moment" and do what feels right at the time, without doubting myself later. I have to trust that I make wise choices, and that I make the best choice for myself, at the time.

I was just having a conversation with a fellow at a bar last night about how everything in life is about timing. Maybe you meet the right person at the wrong time. I don't think love is ever about the wrong person, just the wrong time in your life... at least for me. Then, he pulls the kicker - I had a date with him 2.5 years previous in a town 2 hours away. I didn't recognize him because his appearance is very different due to weight loss and he's cut his beard, etc. His personality is also 100x more confident and he has a good job and a home. Wellll.... just goes to show that it's all about timing. I'm not saying that WOW, I'm so glad to have met him again and I'm going to date him - just making a point about how people come into and out of our lives, and never know what may happen.

I'm glad to hear that your ex didn't stay with the woman that was so wrong for him. That's what I'm most worried about with my ex is that he'll stay with this girl that is SO WRONG FOR HIM. But I'm fairly certain he won't. I guess I just still feel very protective of his heart and soul. I know I can't make that decision for him, but I sure can try to keep him from harm where possible. I know that at some point, though, I will have to give it up to God and trust that he'll care for and protect him. I am not a religious person but I do have a relationship with God, but I find (like many people do) that my faith is tested most severely in times of heartache and lost love.

Anyway, just rambling at this point, but thank you for your kind words. It's good to feel that someone understands what I'm going through - which is why I'm here, of course! :)

 

[cynelena]

What we had was special...but no longer is...I am stronger and more compassionate because of having known him.

So here I am exactly 2years to the day that I last commented on this post....walking in your shoes Frankie. I don't know what it was, but something drew me back to this post today.

Life at home was falling apart and I finally made the decision to leave my partner. It was months coming and I fought as long and as hard as I could for our relationship, but it finally got to a point that my mental and physical health was suffering. I could not put myself or my daughter through any of it anymore.

I believe with all my might that all relationships, even the most difficult and bad ones, teach us something about ourselves. THIS relationship has taught me just what you mentioned here: that I am strong and compassionate. While I can't undo the past few years, I CAN and WILL learn from the experience. I gave love and received it like I've never experienced in my life. I also felt heatbreak like I've never felt. All that has to mean something, right?;)

I think I'm going to go back and read through all of your posts. Just as a reminder of how things can change...for the better:D.

 

[amethist]

Glad to hear that you have also moved on to a better place cynelena.

I hope your ex also has found some peace in his own life.

 

[Molly Anne]

Frankie I thought of you a bit ago... my ex contacted me on Thanksgiving and I didn't respond. He contacted me the next day (he always sends texts) so I responded, very light-hearted, just hi, how are you type of stuff. Then today through a friend's facebook I saw that the other girl had posted some I love you statements on his profile on Thanksgiving. He had actually contacted me twice after her posting this stuff?! He even told me yesterday he was disappointed that I hadn't told him Happy Thanksgiving.

So, feeling ticked off and betrayed, I sent him a message this morning. I said that I had seen his facebook and her post (you're the best boyfriend a girl could have - i love you - etc.) and bizarre picture (her profile picture is one of her sitting with a leg up on her bathroom sink in lingerie and cowboy boots??). i said that he shouldn't contact me again if he was talking to or dating her. i also said that he had betrayed me this summer and i wanted to trust him again but i just wasn't sure if i could anymore.

So.... I've cut him off. I keep thinking about May's statements about how even PTSD does not excuse inexcusable behavior - and he is not treating me with respect (or that girl either - she may not be wholesome but she doesn't deserve to be treated poorly, no matter how much I dislike her. Just sorry she can't see he's doing the same thing to her that he did with me. But I won't be the one to tell her b/c I happen to know she's catty and she wouldn't believe me so it would just start a fight that I refuse to participate in.)

Ok then... Just feeling nervous, but proud in a way, that I've stood up for myself even though it's also kind of painful. Still haven't eliminated the idea that someday he may show different behaviors, but right now how could I ever trust him?? All summer he begged me not to break his heart... now look what's happened. Ugh...

Well, yay for me though!! Strength is a good thing... it will all be ok! :)

 

[Frankie]

cynelena, I am saddened to hear that you made the decision to leave your partner, because any relationship that ends is a sad reminder of how fragile life with a PTSD sufferer truly is....but I am proud of you for facing what the relationship has become and for thinking of you and your daughters. Your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your daughters has to come first and above everything else, because in reality if we don't feel safe and happy with our life, it will not enable us to be safe and happy within a relationship.

I know you have given it your all, time and time again, and as I always said "We are the only ones that will know when we can't give anymore". Be proud of knowing that you did all you could.

No, we can't undo the past, it will always be with us....as you, I have given and received love as never before and with that love comes deep heartbreak, which only will make us stronger, but the future is also ours and we do all have choices to make. It won't be easy, but you are a beautiful and caring woman, I know in my heart you will be OK.

If you need to talk ....you know where I am :)

 

[Frankie]

Molly Anne, you describe things that I also went through, similar experiences, the contacts even though he was with another woman, the feeling of betrayal towards me and towards his new woman, etc...so much of what you are going through reminds me of my situation when all of that was happening.

You are doing the right thing, PTSD is not an excuse for bad behavior, and you should let him know you will not be the other woman in his life. Proud of you for that :) He could be doing the same thing as he did with you....or this new woman in his life is giving him a new leaf on life....We don't know, but at same time it is not right for you to wait for him...he might not come back and/or he might not be the same person you knew.

I don't know where your journey will bring you, most of it depends on you too, how far are you willing to go ? to wait ? You are the only one that can decide for yourself...For me it came a few years after he left...some might think I gave him more time then he deserved...but I wasn't ready to let go, you will know when you can let go and move on.

You should be proud of yourself, it is not an easy thing to do to tell the man you love not to contact you anymore. Be prepared though that he might contact you again...like my exboyfriend did...it is up to you to decide how you will respond.

Yes, you will be OK :)

 

[ISupportHer]

Cynelena, I too am so sorry to hear that your relationship ended. I know that you went the extra mile in trying to do all you could. I also know that you know that when certain lines are crossed, you can be left with little choice.

(((((HUGS)))

Like Frankie said, we are available if you need to talk

ISH

 

[Molly Anne]

Thank you so much Frankie!! Just hearing you say that it is my decision how to respond and that the choices I have made so far are wise ones are statements that are making me feel great and powerful. I've felt a lot of conflict within myself this weekend but I realized it's something that will just take time. I don't know how long he will hold part of my heart and what I might do if I did hear from him - especially if he was single at some point in the future and perhaps I was too (I am dating again - although not whole-heartedly)... but as my mom says, that decision doesn't have to be made today. Thank you again for all of your support!! :)

 

[iluvdesserts]

I am kidding myself I think if I think that something is going to change -

Anyway, this rollercoaster is making me very anxious and I don't need it - I tend to fluctuate in my moods and feel okay one day not so okay the next - depending on what happens - but here I am hanging on the telephone waiting for a text only for it to be one saying he can't meet, or whatever. - I feel that my feelings are all there is and that he really can't, won't or is unable to have feelings for me. But in the end I have to look after myself - and after a lot of emotional investment in this I need to start looking at the reality of the situation. Like you, I feel that we could have a lovely relationship - we never had one like you and your partner - so I don't have that to miss - but the man I saw when he was open to me is beautiful and it makes me so sad - because I feel we are so well suited. I often wonder if the PTSD is affecting everything or are there some aspects of his personality I just don't know about.

Georgie, I feel like we are the same person, talking about the same relationship, and the same man. Scary.

 

[Molly Anne]

Seeing this last post made me realize a lot has happened since my last post. He came back into my life again... and just as quickly he was gone, wanting to date others - and me! But I said that was too hard, that I couldn't date him while he dates others. Perhaps someday he'll be ready to settle down, but like the post above me, I'm made anxious by the rollercoaster... so for now, I'll just do my life. I'm somewhere between waiting & hoping - and simply moving on. Regardless of my point in the process, I'm generally comfortable, and that's what matters most to me. I still love him deeply, but I'm ok with that, and again, being *OK* with me and my feelings is what feels the best! :)

 

[Losingmymind]

Life at home was falling apart and I finally made the decision to leave my partner. It was months coming and I fought as long and as hard as I could for our relationship, but it finally got to a point that my mental and physical health was suffering. I could not put myself or my daughter through any of it anymore.

The above post is like a day in my life.I have finally had the courage to take my children and myself out of an enviroment where I myself was becoming unwell and unable to be a "mother".

I got off the rollercoaster.I have had so much support from my friends who have watched me become ill myself in this toxic relationship.

So leaving was my only choice to save myself.The love does not stop but I love the person I knew not who he had become.I loved the life we could of had not the life we had.

Since leaving I have copped a barrage of unwelcome comments from his family and friends about leaving him in the lurch......I figure no time would have ever been the "right" time.One of those dammed if I do situations..

So much to sort out now as assets, business, etc but for the first time in the longest time I can see a light at the end of my tunnel.

I foresee a long rocky road ahead as we separate completly formally but at least now I feel like I can breathe.

 

[ms spock]

Good Luck