For a long time I have wanted to start a thread about sexuality. Specifically, female sexuality amongst women who were sexually abused as children by females. However, I would be interested to hear from men who were abused by males and also those who were abused by different sex abusers. I haven't been able to find much discussion on the subject.
I should also say that I don't mean to offend anyone. I recognise that much of what I am about to say is offensive, but this is how my abuse (I am female and was sexually abused as a child by a female family member for around a year) affected me. After my abuse stopped, I repressed my memories of it and wouldn't recover them for well over 20 years. However, it still had a massive impact on my life. This post is about some of the ways it affected my sexuality. I know a lot of these beliefs are wrong and I would like to try confronting them. Like I said, I've wanted to do this for a long time, but it is just so difficult to discuss. I'll just blurt some things out quickly before I change my mind...
I developed a strong sense that I didn't want to be female, like her. Females were disgusting, vile, inferior creatures. They were hideous, deceitful and stupid.
I was a tomboy and most people mistook me for a boy. I cut my hair short, and wore boys clothes (I still do). I was devastated when I entered puberty and my body started to look more feminine. I would wrap bandages around my chest to hide my breasts when they began to show. When I started to menstruate, I became suicidal (I failed, obviously). I was so ashamed that I was becoming a woman.
I did become more comfortable with my body by the time I got into my twenties. I still dressed like a man, and usually wore shapeless and baggy tops, but I would occasionally go out in public in a t-shirt.
For a long while I wondered if I was actually a male, stuck in a female body. I would read up about hormones and sex changes. I was attracted to men, so I figured my true self must be a gay man.
I couldn't bear to think about women sexually. The thought of a woman giving or receiving sexual pleasure made me extremely uncomfortable. I had sexual needs and desires myself, but wouldn't have dreamt of speaking about them openly and fitted them in with my sense of myself as being stuck in a female body. I managed to ignore that what I was touching was female. If it was anything, it was more like mis-shapen male. I tried not to think about it much.
I have real issues with trusting people, but more so with women. Throughout my life I had few, if any, real friends until very recently (oddly she is a woman!). As a child I played with boys. As an adult I socialised with men.
I didn't have a romantic relationship with anyone until I met my husband at the age of 28. Before him, I hadn't even kissed anyone except close family. For a few years we had (what I think) was a normal sexual relationship but, as some of my repressed memories began to emerge, it became problematic. There would be certain things I couldn't do, and I would often cry. It must have been very hurtful to my husband, but I couldn't explain what was happening.
Phew, that's enough for now. It has been really hard to say a lot of this. I just wanted to get the ball rolling, so to speak, and see if anyone could relate to any of this. I understand if it's not something you feel comfortable talking about.
I should also say that I don't mean to offend anyone. I recognise that much of what I am about to say is offensive, but this is how my abuse (I am female and was sexually abused as a child by a female family member for around a year) affected me. After my abuse stopped, I repressed my memories of it and wouldn't recover them for well over 20 years. However, it still had a massive impact on my life. This post is about some of the ways it affected my sexuality. I know a lot of these beliefs are wrong and I would like to try confronting them. Like I said, I've wanted to do this for a long time, but it is just so difficult to discuss. I'll just blurt some things out quickly before I change my mind...
I developed a strong sense that I didn't want to be female, like her. Females were disgusting, vile, inferior creatures. They were hideous, deceitful and stupid.
I was a tomboy and most people mistook me for a boy. I cut my hair short, and wore boys clothes (I still do). I was devastated when I entered puberty and my body started to look more feminine. I would wrap bandages around my chest to hide my breasts when they began to show. When I started to menstruate, I became suicidal (I failed, obviously). I was so ashamed that I was becoming a woman.
I did become more comfortable with my body by the time I got into my twenties. I still dressed like a man, and usually wore shapeless and baggy tops, but I would occasionally go out in public in a t-shirt.
For a long while I wondered if I was actually a male, stuck in a female body. I would read up about hormones and sex changes. I was attracted to men, so I figured my true self must be a gay man.
I couldn't bear to think about women sexually. The thought of a woman giving or receiving sexual pleasure made me extremely uncomfortable. I had sexual needs and desires myself, but wouldn't have dreamt of speaking about them openly and fitted them in with my sense of myself as being stuck in a female body. I managed to ignore that what I was touching was female. If it was anything, it was more like mis-shapen male. I tried not to think about it much.
I have real issues with trusting people, but more so with women. Throughout my life I had few, if any, real friends until very recently (oddly she is a woman!). As a child I played with boys. As an adult I socialised with men.
I didn't have a romantic relationship with anyone until I met my husband at the age of 28. Before him, I hadn't even kissed anyone except close family. For a few years we had (what I think) was a normal sexual relationship but, as some of my repressed memories began to emerge, it became problematic. There would be certain things I couldn't do, and I would often cry. It must have been very hurtful to my husband, but I couldn't explain what was happening.
Phew, that's enough for now. It has been really hard to say a lot of this. I just wanted to get the ball rolling, so to speak, and see if anyone could relate to any of this. I understand if it's not something you feel comfortable talking about.
Last edited:
