The Insignificant One

[Emi]

I don't post around here much but feeling the need to write out some feelings today.

I am just absolutely irritated - woke up on the wrong side of the bed I guess. Forgive my stream of conscious thought style of writing...

I'm irritated that I feel like I constantly try to help my husband get out the door with our daughter and I don't get the same help. Yeah, he is primarily the one who drives her to where she needs to be for childcare on any given day, but it bugs me that I get up and get in the shower and then have to get out, get her up, dressed, fed, get her food together, and usually get her bag packed too. And he stays in bed while I'm in the shower, then gets up and gets himself all ready to go, and then I have to direct him on what to get ready for her. Sometimes I have to leave for work and I can't finish getting her stuff together. I feel rushed and overwhelmed in the mornings and I often forget to take my meds because of this. I also don't have time to pack all of her stuff and get him a lunch together so he typically does not take a lunch - which irritates me because I feel like he comes home starving and it's "my fault" because I didn't send him with anything, which irritates me more because he's an adult and should be able to get his own crap together, but he "forgets" or "doesn't have time" BECAUSE HE WON'T GET UP until the very last minute and then rushes around the house all morning which spikes my anxiety.

I'm irritated that I've been having sharp back pain for the past month and I'm supposed to care that he has sciatica when he complains about it, but when I complain about my back pain it's almost as if it's not heard or dismissed or not cared about at all. I still have to stand and cook, I still carry the baby around. I don't feel like there is any concern or compassion at all coming my way, and so when I hear him complain about some ailment he has, I really feel like rolling my eyes, ignoring him, and/or telling him to suck it up. Sorry, but I can't give the sympathy that I don't also get.

I'm irritated that I'm working hard at something I enjoy and trying to turn it into a business. I work 3 days a week outside the home and then the other two days I spend at home with our daughter. I work on marketing and networking daily and have been trying to work on production in the evenings up until my sewing machine broke (waiting for the new one to arrive in the mail tomorrow). He never asks anything about it, doesn't show any interest at all, which feels very un-supportive. In fact I feel like he thinks that when I'm sitting on the couch with my tablet that I'm being lazy when I'm really networking, marketing, and researching. I feel guilty for taking time to do that! He says that he's just not into the creative stuff like I am, and that's ok. I don't expect him to love what I do like I do, just show some freaking interest because you know, I'm your wife and you love me?

I can't talk to mom about my small business venture either because narcissist that she is, she nods ans says, that's cool and then proceeds to take over the conversation with how many likes she got on her instagram photo (she's a photographer) and how she got featured (using my daughter's photo!) and blah blah blah.

Basically - I feel like I live in a world where nothing is about me. I feel like I give and give and I get little back. I feel like when I succeed at something, either no one cares or someone is there to overshadow it. I feel like when I'm hurting or struggling, that someone else is always hurting "more" or demands more attention or my needs are just brushed aside.

I just feel pretty insignificant.

Maybe I'm oversensitive or just over interpreting. I don't know. I just needed to get it out.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe you chose your husband in part because it was a continuation of the "comfort" that you knew growing up? And I mean "comfort" in that the familiar is "comfortable" even if we don't really like it.

 

[Kintsugi]

Have you discussed with your husband that you feel your morning time is taken advantage of, and you need more help in the morning?

Maybe there's something he really doesn't want to do that you could continue to spearhead, and he could do some smaller tasks? Or maybe you could be The Organizer, getting the food ready for both of them, packing her bag, and he could get up and get her up and showered/dressed?

I feel like this is an issue of feeling you do not have a fair partnership with someone who is supposed to be your partner. Your husband may never show interest in what you do, but it seems necessary that he respect it if it is proving to earn some income for your family.

Working from home can make anyone feel paranoid that they're perceived as "not doing anything," I think. Maybe you could schdule "office hours" for yourself in advance for the week and go somewhere else, like the library or a coffeehouse etc.? I have found from those who do a lot of work at home that they feel their time is better respected when they have a "zone" to go to, whether it be the home office or a library, where they are absolutely working.

Additionally, if you watch your daughter while working at home, maybe he will realize that you are working when you start having to arrange for him to watch her while you leave to work. Just saying, he might recognize your time as more valuable if he fully grasps, in a concrete way, the fact that what you are doing is work, not play.

You are not alone in this. I think a lot of people deal with this issue--partners not seeming to be full partners, respectful or your contributions, etc.

 

[Emi]

@Simply Simon That's a good idea. The only problem I see with that is, because I also work outside of the home 3 days a week, I only get to do my business stuff in the evenings or during the day on my 2 off days, when my husband is at work, which is hard to do with a toddler. Leaving during the day on my off days would mean having to leave our daughter with someone for childcare and I don't want to do that. Leaving in the evenings and working solely in the evenings means I'm not home to do the other things I am in charge of - cooking, getting her to bed. My husband's biggest issue is that the house doesn't get cleaned as much as he would like and is often cluttered with my stuff. We sat down and made up a chore chart because he wanted housework to be divided more evenly. I feel guilty that I can't seem to get everything he wants done, done. I'm really bad about only being able to focus on one thing at a time too. But I also feel angry that I'm trying to do so much and I don't feel supported or like he will pick up he slack. And if he does, I feel like it's done with this silent judgement....

 

[Emi]

Focusing on the things he wants done means I have next to no time to do those things that I want to do such as work on my small business venture

 

[Seasounds]

Good expressive rant. And if you want ideas, read on.

Basically - I feel like I live in a world where nothing is about me. I feel like I give and give and I get little back. I feel like when I succeed at something, either no one cares or someone is there to overshadow it. I feel like when I'm hurting or struggling, that someone else is always hurting "more" or demands more attention or my needs are just brushed aside.

With compassion, having been a giver-extraordinaire, I ask you to consider, that all of it is about you; for whatever reason, you have learned to give to others, while neglecting your needs. It is possible to turn it around.(using suggestions in above posts.)

You are not at fault; quite the contrary, you are using your awareness as a learning situation.

You are important, you can speak up for your needs, you can negotiate and/or make changes, if you wish. You become the significant one! :) Using "non-violent communication techniques', for me, helped save relationships. Good luck!

 

[circe47]

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time, Emi. Your relationship sounds like the one I had with my baby daddy. There was so much focus on him and his troubles/wants/needs/desires/pains, etc. etc. etc. that there was only room for one person in a two person relationship. The only room available was appropriated by HIM.

Here's the deal I started noticing about pretty much everyone that I come into contact with. They are ALL narcissists and they have no concept of personal boundaries or respect for anyone else PERIOD! This is why I can't do the job that I'm trained to do……deal with people.

You might want to decide how important this person is in your life, and what he contributes to the relationship. If you find it is unbalanced, steps need to be taken and you need to let the chips fall where they may. Here's what I'd do:

1) Get out of bed at the last minute, just like he does.
2) If your children are young enough to need supervision, it's still easy to get him to do what it takes. Hand the children over because you gotta use the loo real quick. Then, quietly leave the house and stay gone half the day. Let him call in sick, or whatever, but make HIM do HIS share of parenting HIS children. When you eventually come back home and he questions or rages, simply say, "welcome to my world…..it's hard being a mommy and daddy both, as well as have a career and hobbies…..right?"
2) Do NOT make his meals, or do his laundry, or pack his lunch, or wash his dishes. BTW? I've even gone so far as to leave dirty dishes on a lazy, ungrateful stepson's bed. When he questioned this my response was "you can either do them yourself, or you can pay me or a maid to do it for you. I don't work for free, and neither does a maid."
3) Do NOT offer sympathy or help for his sciatica. Say something like, "welcome to my world…….it sucks getting older, right?" and leave it at that.
4) Stop helping him as he does not appear to be a very good helper and partner himself.

This might sound spiteful, but it's really refusing to put up with being mommy to grown adult male who is NOT YOUR CHILD! You also might suggest that he moved back home with mommy and daddy as he hasn't matured enough to pull on his big boy pants, and be a man by taking care of himself.

For the most part it is up to us how we let people treat us. If we enable then we have to do what it takes to not enable-- harsh though it may seem. In all of this, however, you also need to be able to fend for yourself inasmuch as be able to pay all the bills and provide a sense of stability and security in the sad event you both can't work things out FAIRLY and EQUAL.

Of course, if your husband is possibly violent and abusive, then scrap the above plan and get the hell out because he will NOT CHANGE without personal insight and a lot of therapy.

 

[Friday]

You know... My mom & my ex-husband both had a thing about how I sleep.

Fact'o the matter is... Without either in my life I sleep just fine. Well. PTSD fine, but whatever. I sleep. I get myself up. I get my son ready to go. We leave.

Do I do it to their satisfaction? Nope. I do things my own way. The way that works for me. And, yes. 3-5 times a year, I'm late. That's actually pretty normal. Sure, some people are never late, but some people are concert pianists, too. Hell. They were late on average more times than I am! But both of them would get hyper controlling about other people doing things their way / micromanaging. I've had Drill Instructors less controlling about how I wake and get ready in the mornings.

So... As a suggestion: since this isn't working for you... Do something different. As a team. Instead of trying to make him do it your way, cause that ain't gonna happen. As you've seen. So come up with a new division of labor, and stick with it. Either you get her ready & take her, or he does... But this split where one of you gets her ready, and the other takes her? Ain't working.

While it may have originally been something nice to do for your husband or division of labor in the marriage; to split duties in childcare (you get her ready to go, he takes her)... It seems to have morphed into instead of splitting childcare responsibilities, you taking on responsibility (and resentment) for how your husband sleeps / wakes up/ manages his mornings. Which... Trust me. Will get exceptionally grating. From both sides.

He's a grown man. Will he make mistakes? Yes. Especially in the beginning. Try handling them the way you like to be treated when you make mistakes (instead of wresting control back, or belittling... Let the learnig experiences happen... Let them find their groove).

Again... Just a suggestion.

 

[Emi]

@FridayJones It's not so much how he sleeps and manages his mornings as much as it is how I feel he doesn't think about me. Is it really too much to ask in a marriage that we both think of each other's needs and try to help each other out? So I guess I'm pissy because I feel like I do that for him, and he doesn't do it for me.

 

[Emi]

As a matter of fact, there are many a day when I'm staying home with our daughter that he oversleeps and rushes around to get to work. FIne, whatever, that's his job and his morning to manage how he wants and I don't say a word. But when it's OUR morning he's messing with and I feel the burden of his rushing around that's a different story

 

[Emi]

@circe47 He is not abusive or violent. He's hardly even expressive with his emotions at all. In fact he often comes across as indifferent which drives me insane. I'd rather him yell at me - then I'd know he cared about something. He has ADD and he told me he would go see a therapist to help cope with both his ADD and living with my PTSD but now says we can't afford it because I go to therapy every other week.

I don't know - could we afford therapy if I said I couldn't do this anymore? Probably.

I'm thinking about telling him I want marriage counseling.

 

[circe47]

Emi, I am with you. I'm in sort of a weird mood today as well. Really, really tired. I've been working on the family tree and discovering we're related to pretty much everyone in the world on my mom's side of the family. Mormon pioneers who took to heart literally the "be fruitful and multiply" thingy....:tup: This has led to lengthy conversations about our more significant ancestors every single day for the last 10 days.

Dealing with others is really, really tiring….LOL! I think I'm gonna go back to bed. Believe me, it does get easier as you get older. I've been exactly where you are right now, with my son's father. Luckily, my son is now 20 years old, surprisingly well adjusted all things considered, and living on his own…..so it does get easier.

My ex has a heart problem that makes his shoulders get really tight and painful and he constantly wanted me to massage and squeeze until the pain passed. Then it was foot rubs, and other displays of affection and nurturing. Strange thing was, I got like one massage and never a foot rub in the 13 years together. Needless to say, he is a thing of the past for reasons to many to count.