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The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

Feeling miserable. Horrible sense of inadequacy, grief of loss of my past functionality, self loathing due to my current lack of functionality and weight issue, constant self disgust. I just want to go to hospital already! I think I'll draw another picture to cheer myself up.

I did have a moment without self disgust last week. It made me so conscious that I always have that. Have since as long as I can remember, maybe it only started when I was 9 or 10 though. Was in a set-up to have sex by a kids mum at 9. It felt wrong. I never told anybody. It was her son who penetrated me, at 9. He also made me get under the couch and sat on me. Prior to that I got stripped of my underpants at after-school care. One kid did it while I fought hard and lost the fight to keep my undies on. All the other kids stood around and cheered him on. Utterly humiliating. I never told anyone. That was a pattern, not telling.
 
Feeling soooooo much better this morning! I ended up telling my guy about the shame I was feeling. He had snapped at me because I had grumped at him with the heat exhaustion and it triggered a horrid emotional flashback of Mum and A being horrible to me when I was ill. I was able to put the shame in its place through talking to him though. He would never try to induce shame in me.
 
I am so glad that you opened up and told him what you were feeling! That's HUGE! Every time you do that you fight the ""lesson" you learned in your childhood. I think you learned that no one cared how you felt, so why bother? YOUR feelings matter! ALL of them!
 
So I'm having a good day and realizing that while I've been struggling considerably of late, things have really lifted to another level of good again. I'm drawing to deal with symptoms and it's working (I used to sing and walk a lot, now I'm still housebound for the most part and have stopped singing on account of neighbors, but drawing is my new home therapy that I've really gotten on a roll with. Symptoms are very minimal at the moment. Yay! Yay! Yay!
Having this lovely man in my life is making all the difference too, and more contact with some of my children that I was estranged from not that long ago.:)
I do struggle with the engrained self esteem issues and have to mindfully correct that mean inner critic and underminer a lot but, considering my past, I have made a lot of inroads into wellness and self regard. I do have to keep telling myself and reminding myself of my okayness, not sure I could do it to this extent without my loving mate who tells me he loves and adores me a lot.

Functionality, while a little better, which is a major relief, has a long way to go to get to a "normal" level still.

I'm having a little bit of a pregnancy scare though, which is kinda terrifying. Just sore breasts, but if I am, I'm so freaking because of already 3 miscarriages in under 18 months, 8.5 months of carrying that resulted in nothing but depletion and heartbreak. So I'm going to be relieved if I get my period.

Happiness and contentment always seems so hard won and short-lived, but still, well worth all the effort to achieve, even for just these sweet moments and days, when they do occur.
 
I am so glad that you opened up and told him what you were feeling! That's HUGE! Every time you...
It really did help shift things along in a rapid and real way.:) I'm finding I can put these things in their place more effectively, as I work and work on it.

The shame stuff is still there but alongside it is my hard won sense of "I'm ok", I'm not what those people would have me believe. They are losing their influence over me as I keep them out of my life and work at kicking them out of my consciousness. They are toxic narcassistic abusers and they hurt me a lot but I am free of them now!
Well not entirely, I know I will have to deal with them in the future or at least deal with fallout from them. That's partly why I need the inpatients program.
I had to deal with my ex earlier this year and the effect he was having on some of our children. In true narc style he destroys sanity, he's a manipulative parasitic creep and I ended up having a pretty bad breakdown that resulted in me pulling out of uni, just from having to go down to his house and try to help one of our sons out of serious suicidal and self harm behaviour. My son had bought a lot of lies that his Dad had told him and treated me really badly and was hurting terribly, as was I. One thing he said that I know he didn't mean but it was tough was " I hope none of your kids come to your funeral."

He was hurting so badly about me leaving, the lies his Dad told him to keep him angry at me and estranged from me and me not coming back when he wanted me to. I said "well what would you have had me do, have your Dad put in jail?" He said "yes". I don't think that would have worked out though, the kids are pretty much wrapped around Dad's finger.

The narcs person destroying is a slow cook; the frog in gently heating water. You don't know you are in boiling water until it gets really hot, because they simmer you slowly.

I hate that I'm still in the alert for more of my children to be cooked. It's a sickening feeling. I hope I am arming them well enough to counter his soul-sucking but I think that's just wishful thinking. Oh well, I am here for them if they need the non-narc parent to help them pick up the pieces of their shattered self.

Hopefully he has moved on to other prey although I would rather there were no prey at all. He is now running "whole plant therapy" workshops. No training at all, no certification of any kind, just a self proclaimed health guru now.
I am selfish though, I want my children to be safe from him. I want him to stop succubusing off of them.
 
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:hug::hug::hug::hug:❤️:hug::hug::hug::hug:
Sending You and your Honey love, hugs.....

.and prayers for peace and PROTECTION against the memories of past traumas, and/or the problem neighbor! May her troubles stay WITHIN her own heart and WITHIN her home!!!

AKJ❤️
 
Thank you for the support @NinjaWolf and @AngelkeeperJ/AKJ :).

I realised why I really am making amazing progress. I love, I love, I love. I do love God with all my heart. I do feel a sense of wonder about creation. I do feel grateful for this life, the whole of it. I do practise as much self compassion as I can muster. I do practise honesty. I do have spiritual faith. I do believe in my inner strength and resilience. I do have spiritual values. This is a sweet, kind, gracious place to reside. Sure I hide still, definitely somewhat reclusive and I'm certainly quite a bit of a wreck in plenty of ways, but my insides feel kinda peaceful and safe.
 
Ugh, this thing! I'm not actually feeling that great about myself at all. After writing all those nice things above I slept half the day. Clearly in avoidance mode.

I'm actually chronically debilitated around housework due to the many years of narcissistic abuse by my mother and ex partner.

They both treated me as if my sole purpose was to fulfill them and be a slave for them, housework, yardwork and childcare in the case of my mother and sex, housework, womb for his proof that "he doesn't shoot blanks" and singing and young trophy gf without a brain of my own for A.

Caring for my kids was mine. I think that's one of the reasons he had to do whatever he could to take them away from me to punish me when I finally escaped him. But now, I avoid doing much housework to avoid the emotional flashbacks of being house-slave for both of those narcs. I am very ashamed though. It's one of the main drives to attend the inpatients program.

It's like my brain goes, housework? You will be in danger of becoming someone's bitch if you do too much of that. Someone who actually hates you, wants to annihilate you, deny you existence as a person, crush you, break your very being in millions of tiny pieces, yes ;murder your soul" in a sense. Someone who cannot allow you any autonomy, well-being, validity or even a sense of self or existence for your own reasons.
 
On a more positive note. I have goals and aspirations for this year. After I attend the trauma & dissociation 3 week program I will;

1. Get down to the business of applying the new knowledge,

2. Getting my body back in shape,

3. Fulfilling my relationship responsibilities,

4. Working on this home care so that our home becomes properly livable,

5.Supporting my two youngest through high school,

6. Supporting my two middle young adult children, that are still trapped at
their Dads, to move out,

7. Attending the yoga intensive that I missed out on last year, due to the flood,

8.Polishing my skills prior to going back to uni to begin my majors,

9. Continue doing all the things that have been working in regards to recovery and wellness.
 
Some of the things I want to work on in therapy and in hospital

  • Learning to feel safe enough to spend time outside, here, like going for walks again.
  • Work on building a sense of self that isn't shrouded in shame.
  • Making healthy human connections
  • Make inroads into my avoidance patterns
  • Establish some better home self-care habits.
That's probably, realistically, enough to start with.
 
I did try to push through the housework resistance and came up against a wall of grief and bitterness. I tried to push through, but then my guy started talking about how cute the toddlers next door are and I couldn't help but start to cry. It felt like the first time, practically, that I've been able to tap into grief about losing the babies/pregnancies. S hugged me and comforted me and told me he loves me while I cried. So much for tackling my housework issues. Some dishes got done and I cooked a meal but still, far from adequate.
 
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