The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

We had a great time at the beach. It was me, my partner, my two daughters, their two dogs - Dad's ploy to keep them bound to him and his place, the first dog he got my youngest daughter when I moved back to this town so that she would live down at his place, it didn't work, she lived with us regardless, the second dog was him offering to mind some lady's dog for her, but my girls end up doing all the dog care. They are wonderful dog carers though, the dogs are very happy, healthy dogs and the girls do a great job sharing the responsibilities.

We also had my "special " son with us, and a young couple, that are my kid's friends, with us.

The beach was awesome. It was a perfect day. We got burnt though. We swam while my daughter's took turn throwing sticks for the dogs and when we got hungry we went into the village and bought authentic middle eastern falafel and then sat by the river to eat.
Every one except myself and my guy went for another swim in the river, an estuary that goes into the ocean, while me and my guy helped with the four-leggeds.

It was the first time we had been out together like that. My guy and I got very slandered by my kids Dad, so for years my oldest daughter wouldn't talk to us, but now she is very warm and open to both of us.

We decided we wanted to do it again too :-).

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( YAY, for the great day! Just what you needed!)))

 

[mumstheword]

((( YAY, for the great day! Just what you needed!)))

I know, right? :) in fact my "emotional flashback" that I've been struggling from since the neighbor/killer dogs and her denial and excuses happened, has finally lifted!!!!!
Helped by the fact that she is not around. But nonetheless I'm out of it!!!! :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug::)WOO-HOO:):hug:
Let's hope she STAYS GONE!!!!!!!! I am SOOOO HAPPY IT LIFTED!!!!!:):hug::)


[She MUST be MISERABLE INSIDE! Sure glad you aren't HER!!!!!!]

 

[mumstheword]

It is sooooo good! I feel free, free, free!
My faith is stronger yet and I feel good!
Stuckness has lifted! I'm renewed and strong and it's AWESOME!
I feel like I have shrugged off the yoke of fear and guilt and shame and I am God's innocent happy, grateful child once again. Safe in His Grace and protection :) Held in the yoke of His Love and bounty :). I am TRULY grateful for this :)

 

[digger]

So many mistakes

You know that as a premium member you can edit?

 

[mumstheword]

You know that as a premium member you can edit?

Thank you @digger! I will explore that option :-)

 

[mumstheword]

You know that as a premium member you can edit?

I did it! Awesome! Thank you!

 

[mumstheword]

This is the tree we put our stuff under at the beach that my daughter's picked as our shady spot. I started this drawing there and just finished it.

 

[mumstheword]

So I've had a few good grieving sessions in the last 24 hours.

Last night my guy was explaining something to my boy. He gets frustrated due to his head injury which impacts his thought retention when interrupted. Getting interrupted can cause him to lose his track which in turn, elevates his irritation, which happened. My problem is, I get triggered easily when he elevates and I try to get him to lower his tone, intensity, volume and insist on his patience, this can cause him to elevate further as he's now not only being interrupted but I'm telling him what to do, being hypocritical by elevating myself and telling him to calm down and it can escalate.

Well I didn't want a fight so I opted for flight mode and went outside.

I realised that I was triggered and I could feel all this grief at being shouted down, overpowered, treated unfairly and bullied so much in the past. Not by my guy, he's consistently kind, fair, honest and caring, he just gets a little frustrated at times, which is understandable. I cried and cried, outside in the carport, luckily no-one was around, it was dark and beautifully summer-windy.
I heard him calm down and I wished I was inside, not being triggered, because I knew what he was saying was interesting and I felt touched at him taking the time to teach something to my boy. Taking lots of time and effort with my little, curious, very tall young son. They have tallness and science-minds in common.

So I've been getting in touch with that grief and actually being understanding and there for myself through that.

 

[mumstheword]

:hug::)WOO-HOO:):hug:
Let's hope she STAYS GONE!!!!!!!! I am SOOOO HAPPY IT LIFTED!...

I do think those disordered personality types aren't as unhappy as they make others. If they were suffering so much, wouldn't they want to address their issues instead of inflicting so much on others? No, she obviously hasn't hit rock bottom. Her ego is so huge, she couldn't be wrong. No it's everybody else who's just mean and nasty to her (sarcasm).
She hasn't come back yet, but her new bf was here yesterday.
I feel like I have grown a bit more of a thick skin to bare her behaviour when she returns.

My guy and I have already put the boundaries in with her and told her we are not interested in any kind of relationship or communication with her without honesty and accountability.

The problem is, she and her dogs are very loud. She screams abusively at her son, and sometimes her ex, which is horrible to witness. Even If my guy and I didn't have the histories we do, with many years subject to abusive, malignantly narcissistic people, people like my mother and co-parent and his two babymama exs and evil school headmistress, it would still be horrible, upsetting and stressful to hear this woman abuse her powerless child and to have put up with her 5 constantly barky, whiney killer dogs in her very close next yard over.. So I don't know. It's just something we will have to deal with as it happens when it happens.

Her being away has aided in me finally being out of the freeze/hide mode, in my house, although the damage feels extensive in terms of my ability to comfortably walk around outside, here.

I'm fine when I'm in the town next door.

I started with the psychologist that I got the mental health plan for, yesterday. I liked her. Although I started with the early sexual abuse T, I might keep this new one. I only get limited appointments with this one. And I do have to pay as well, but she seems great and she seems to be ok with me and my issues. I spent the session giving her some history, but we will continue with that next time, two weeks from yesterday.

She wants to do "window of tolerance" therapy with me. She's going to see me for the next history-taking session and then talk to my other T and see if they can cover different areas. I guess I have a lot of ground to cover, because of the extensive and long term nature of my abuse, trauma and neglect history. I'm also pretty good to work with, I think, because of how much work I've already done on my recovery.

I have a lot of insight, an extensive, well-read and we'll researched command of communicative skills and vocabulary, very honest and transparent way about me, and a kinda brave and minimal-drama way of sharing about my issues. I'm very responsive to treatment.

I'm quite dissociative about a lot of my stuff though. Not in touch with the appropriate emotion that goes with the event. I'm good at intellectualizing, deflecting with humour and I have issues with exposing my vulnerability. I'll talk, with someone new like this, and I'll feel very little emotion accompanying the story. I don't think that's because stuff's resolved, I think I'm still so dissociated, I haven't really connected with how I feel about that stuff. That stuff being rapes, death threats, assaults, namely. Being raped and not tended too, with any psychological support for 29 years.

Being emotionally abused and terribly emotionally neglected as a child and for much of my life hasn't helped. I do have feelings about that. Sadness, grief, hopelessness, helplessness, extreme distrust, guardedness, emotional exhaustion, shitty self-esteem, self-disgust, a feeling of personal weakness, trappedness, social avoidance, a sense of betrayal, compulsions (that I'm making headway with, i.e. with food) threatened tears, right now, ambivalence about life. Kinda crappy stuff.
Not worse than a lot of people's though.

 

[mumstheword]

So my Dad was going to leave my mum when she was pregnant with me, or maybe he hasn't made up his mind to, but (obviously) she was driving him insane (she's a total gaslighter) and he has started therapy and his T had advised him to leave her.
He told her, not sure how cooked I was, but anyway, he was going to abandon me to her crazy-making before I was born.
The story is, she begged and pleaded with him to stay and so he did. I guess, in her mind he had already abandoned her just by contemplating it and having an affair was totally justified. Dad didn't even know if I was his until much later so maybe she was already playing around?
So she began an affair with a schizophrenic guy. Maybe when I was a baby? Maybe before that?
My birth was bad. She has high blood pressure, she was admitted for it weeks before I was due. Some med students broke her (my) waters accidentally, two weeks early. Doctors panicked and gave her syntocin (inducing drug) but I didn't want to come out. They gave her higher and higher doses until it hit her like a wall of agony. No breaks between contractions. Epidural didn't work, midwife was horrible and bullied her (apparently). I was born very dopey. Didn't want to feed, just super sleepy. I don't think we really "bonded". I was a cry-ee baby. Bad colic, she said. Sabotaged her uni. Bad since babyhood.