The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[Deleted member 12723]

Happy Birthday and may this year be the best ever for you.:happy::happy::hug::hug::hug:

 

[ninja]

Happy birthday @mumstheword :hug::inlove::woot:
I hope this day was a really really good one.

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you lovely Ninjawolf! It's been good, all things considered :-) Had a swim in the ocean in the rain, very warm water. Had an authentic delicious middle eastern falafel. Drove home in an epic storm. Tired but it was fun. My guy and youngest (son) with me. A few of my kids wished me happy birthday by ph. And my mum texted me. My brother rang.
Thank you :-)

 

[mumstheword]

Happy Birthday and may this year be the best ever for you.:happy::happy::hug::hug::hug:

Thank you @Rain! It feels good.:-)
These 3 days of a tiny bit of medicinal have lifted me and I'm so grateful for the alleviation! I'm wondering how my new T will respond as she expressed to me that she was happy I wasn't taking anything as it will be easier to process without, but I'm thinking that when.the suffering is too much surely that can't be better?

I'm excited about this year. I've done a lot of therapeutic healing work for lots of years now, already and it feels like a "harvest" year, If you know what I mean.

I'm in the space to "grab this bull by its horns", being a hard beast to gain control over, and very scary, I'm feeling like that's an accomplishment unto itself that I'm ready to totally address things with no sidestepping, distractions, excuses, overwhelming other commitments (this has been a big one for me, so far I've had these consistently for most of my life). I feel that I am being guided/supported/lead to a place that allows me to focus on healing/recovery with Grace and Spiritual growth combined with physical healing (I really hope this is true!) This year :-)

 

[ninja]

I really think a purpose of being able to deal with the hard feelings (without meds) is to help us learn empowerment. We can and will take care of ourselves, however and whenever we need. It is a balance of not taking so much that it blunts the deep and guiding feelings, but not letting them get so out of hand that you aren't able to rest and feel safe somewhere at some time. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I really think a purpose of being able to deal with the hard feelings (without meds) is to help us le...

Yes I think you are right @NinjaWolf . Which makes me feel better because I didn't take what I took to avoid dealing with emotional feelings other than the flatness of long term emotional exhaustion, and chronic somatic pain and infection pain and trauma-brain injury pain.
I just wanted an enjoyable nye, ny day and birthday. Which I managed to have due to the medicine. I know of the pitfalls and choose to keep in touch with what is going on for me, in general.

I refused anti-depressants as a self-harming, homeless teen because they just increased the zombie-android-numbness I already suffered chronically (i threw them in the bin). I was prescribed them again just before I left my toxic Stockholm syndrome childbearing relationship because it stated on the contraindications "if you stop or change your dose, you might want to kill yourself" and I was desperately trying to avoid that temptation at the time and my chronically unslept, shattered mind was still lucid enough to know I couldn't trust myself enough to remember to take them the way the needed to be taken
Those were the only two times I've relented to a script for psych pharmys. Other times I've had endocrine support it has always been adaptogens and/or ethnobotanicals. Honestly I'm terrified of drugs. Drugs were given to me as a child and a young vulnerable women by sexual abusers and other abusers as a way to control and passify me.
My mother was very anti medical drugs. She taught me fear of the medical establishment.

So in general I avoid and just suffer through.
Although alcohol is a sometimes go-to in moderate doses and I want to replace that with yoga and meditation.

It's a little hard, my guy is the one tempting me because that's how he deals with symptoms. I even broke up with him once because of his substance habits (and he was embroiled with a very dangerous and deadly psychopath who wanted to bash me). He got out of the psychopaths clutches and gave up his pot habit and we got back together. Since then I've dabbled in fairly moderate drinking and avoided the other for our entire relationship. Until now. A urinary infection that just wouldn't lift was the straw that broke the camel's back. And the feelings of being stabbed in the fanny (we call the vagina, the fanny, which is different from you guys, I know) just went on and on and on. A tiny bit of bud helped enormously.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I believe I was traumatized before I was born. My father was traumatized as a baby and so was my mother. My mother's mother was, no doubt, traumatized as a child too. And my other grandmother and both grandfather's, I don't doubt. World war 1 and 2 in England shattered lots of English people and all my family comes from England. That is what I believe.

I completely agree with you on this! I don't remember where I heard this theory...but it makes sense to me. When we are born, our ovaries have all the eggs that we will have in our lifetime. It makes sense to me that if we are a part of our mother's bodies and their eggs were a part of THEIR mother's bodies, then when women are greatly traumatized, it makes sense to me that the eggs/ovaries we are born with have experienced those traumas in some kind of way. I don't know if that makes any sense? It certainly would explain why some babies are born calm and others are colicky and go through their lives unable to be soothed? (My family also came from England.)

These 3 days of a tiny bit of medicinal have lifted me and I'm so grateful for the alleviation! I'm wondering how my new T will respond as she expressed to me that she was happy I wasn't taking anything as it will be easier to process without, but I'm thinking that when.the suffering is too much surely that can't be better?

Happy birthday and I am glad that you had an enjoyable day at the beach! I think that swimming in the warm ocean while it's raining sounds lovely! It surely was ok, in my humble opinion that you allowed yourself to "party" a bit for your birthday! Especially because you have been having so much physical pain! Bud IS an analgesic which most (honest) doctors would agree to. The fact that you are able to hold yourself to just a small amount speaks highly of the fact that you ARE in control, which is vital to your continued healing.

I have been on numerous antidepressants and after my last hospitalization was put on Lamictal which is actually used for treating bipolar disorder. It has worked wonders for me, stabilizing my moods. I think it is when meds are piled on top of one another that the pharmaceuticals are most dangerous. I suspect that I have always been bipolar but it didn't get into the early diagnosis because my depression was so profound. For many years I didn't smile. Partially due to depression and then due to having lost enough teeth that it showed in my smile. I had always been told that my smile was my best attribute. Actually, smoking weed was the only thing that made me smile sometimes. (Thankfully the tooth loss was after I had quit working. I don't think I could have been good at my job without my smile.) I cannot drink alcohol. I don't know how to quit after just one and I won't mix alcohol with meds. I go to sleep within the hour. No fun there.

I am EXCITED to hear what happens in your upcoming year! I think you are making great strides just since you have been writing here! You sound more hopeful and positive as time goes by, even though you have had some serious "flatness". That is what I experience when my depression is getting worse. I go into action mode at that point. Over the years I have tried to discontinue my depression/anxiety meds and always ended up gaining about 20 pounds, going into the emotional flatline, then ending up in crisis mode. I finally learned my lesson. I do stick with what works for me and I dislike trying new meds.

Happy, happy birthday again, SWEET FRIEND!

 

[mumstheword]

I had a birthday lunch with 5 of my children today, and my stepson, partner, bestie and her guy friend. It was lovely. I even got presents from 4 out of my 7 children! :-)

I am feeling the love! On top of that, my big daughter (I have two daughters, one 23 nearly 24, one 16) invited us to go to the beach with them on the weekend.
My 2 daughters want to take their dogs to the beach.
This will be the first time ever, other than today, that we will all hang out together.I'm really looking forward to it:-).
I finally, got my book C-PTSD from surviving to
thriving and started reading it.
Yesterday, while I was waiting for me T appointment, I began my first foray into the book. It made me cry, so close to the bone.
Today, this morning, I was reading it and I got swamped with a load of "toxic shame".
It's very confronting but also a kind reality check. I feel a little vindicated and also heartened as it shows me how far my partner and I have already come.

We both suffer from C-ptsd, his more from really horrific teacher abuse, throughout school, mine from, primarily, my mother and abandonment from my Dad.

I was also sexually abused as a child. By an adult, early (I think, extremely dissociated) and by other children as an under 10 year old, including penetrated and publically stripped and humiliated by other children)

I was drugged with magic mushrooms, I believe as a cover-up for one of the rapes at 3.5.
I was threatened with a gun at 3.
I was beaten by my friends stepdad at 7.
I witnessed my mother being assaulted by a boyfriend at 8.
My partner was stabbed in the neck on his 18th nye.
My mother assaulted me on innumerable occasions and my stepfather physically assaulted me and threatened me with a hack saw when I was 9.

My partner's first long term girlfriend was stabbed to death in the heart, in a nightclub.

I was anally raped at 16 and my mother knew and left me untreated.

I was also drugged on Dayura and raped by 2 different men as a homeless 16 year old (I left my parent's States and hitch-hiked 1000's of km after horrific neglect by both my parents and long term abuse by my mother) a number of times and nearly strangled by one of them. Other people looked on at the strangling/choking and offered no care.

My partner was nearly beaten to death and left with brain damage that rendered him unable to read, write or speak for a time.

We both ended up becoming "fawny" types with alternate flight mode or mainly freeze mode (a little fight but not as a default mode) with very abusive partners that we had children with; world's of Hell.

I was 16, shattered, full of self-loathing and homeless when I met my 34 year old narcissistic babydada. 21 years later I left, shattered, barely alive, extreme flight mode (manic), Acute Stress Disorder on top of c-ptsd, again homeless, in winter no less, utterly devastated with an extremely injured sense-of-self.
That was mid 2010.

So there you have it, although neither of us have been diagnosed with c-ptsd, I believe that is the diagnosis that fits of both.

I got an erroneous bpd diagnosis while still having the shit gaslit out of me when still with my ex and Depression & Anxiety before my officially, agreed-upon-by-numerous-medicos- diagnosis of PTSD.

We have made leaps and bounds, supporting each other :-). You would have known that people so damaged could find each other and maintain a loving, honest, stable relationship? And raise such AMAZING kids!!!!!!!

 

[mumstheword]

You

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[mumstheword]

It's 2.00am. I awoke from murky dreams, covered in sweat. Writing that timeline thingy took it out of me. Feeling numb again. Emotions hollowed out. Oh crap.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( :hug: @mumstheword :hug: )))
I am SO HAPPY for you and your honey! You are building happy memories in the midst of the painful struggles! I think that it's a great balance to the hard emotional work you are doing! :hug:

You will be hanging out with your daughters at the beach.I think that as you work on your healing, your children will see the changes and know that you did NOT leave them forever and that you left to save your mind and and body!

What you are doing is REALLY HARD work, and even though you have that how numb feeling, it won't last, I PROMISE! It may be a way that your mind is taking a break from the heavy emotions? Just a thought?

We will keep up the love and support, being your virtual cheerleaders when you are struggling! I am honored to be a little part of the healing process. Your future holds MUCH joy for you and your guy! THIS I know!!!

Love & Hugs :hug: :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

((( :hug: @mumstheword :hug: )))
I am SO HAPPY for you and your honey! You a...

It helps so much, having your loving words to support me through this tough time. :-) @AngelkeeperJ/AKJ Thank you! So much xXxX 0000

I'm proud of us. I read some of Pete Walkers book C-PTSD from surviving to thriving to my guy today.

We did have a heated argument yesterday about me telling my family about our condition, which he felt uncomfortable about. I got very triggered, as did he, but we both realized quickly enough and didn't let the triggering destroy us. I was just gone, fully expecting him to abuse, betray, humiliate and abandon me. I overreacted and it shocked him into calming down, as when he gets hyperaroused at me, I just spiral into trigger city.
I finally got all my paperwork done and posted for my admission.:-)

Neighbor-from-hell came back last night :-( haven't heard her mean, rude, abusive voice yet though.
No dogs either :-)