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The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

So grateful to you all. I just kept reading over what I wrote last night. I cried last night after writing it out and then again a few times.
Reading the responses, it's changing things. I still feel overwhelmed and full of grief but some relief. The shame is dissipating.

Thank you all for being here, reading, responding, helping me with the shame and grief of it all.

Thank you @somerandomguy . You are a kind, thoughtful, honest, empathetic man and please don't ever feel ashamed or less than or inadequate as a man again. You are a good guy and I want you to know, I know you have integrity and that is priceless and more precious than anything in a man, or a woman, for that matter. It counts more than anything.

@ladee sweet ladee, what a heart. You are amazing and full of grace and wisdom and I'm so privileged to know you, even though it's just a little. Thank you so much for your kindness, reassurance and understanding. Love you lots.:hug:

@Swift , no way are you a weak person, no way. You are making a good and caring call to care for yourself and I totally support your decision to do so. The stuff I mentioned is hard to deal with and I don't want anyone to hurt over anything I do, so thank you for looking after yourself. Love ya my Aussie Sis.:hug:

@littleoc Ya know, I got a call from my kid this morning, ok, he's not a kid anymore but in a way he'll most likely always be like a little boy. He told me about Anzac day and "black ops, Call of Duty" and world war 2, Afghanistan and listed many of our family members and pets, past and present. He's doing ok.

He has a pretty good life, a great day program, support workers, all sorts of services. He's pretty happy and secure now. What more could a mum ask for?

He's also nearly 26 but will probably always be my (kinda little) boy and I love him loads, I'm really glad he made it. He's had a really tough time of it but is doing well at the moment and I'm overjoyed about that. I've battled long and hard for this outcome and I couldn't be happier about it. The worst seems to be past us.:)

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ You've been here for me from the start. I know you've been struggling and although I missed you and had my own struggles too, I sent fond thoughts and have you in my heart, firmly and affectionately. We've shared deep and painful stuff and I am eternally grateful for your kind, loving, wise and understanding presence. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.:hug:
it's true, my darlings are coming back to.me and it means the world to me.:inlove:
:joyful:
:joyful::joyful:
:joyful::joyful::joyful::joyful::joyful::joyful:
 
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Feeling pretty yuck today.
Being this unfuctional sure messes with my self esteem. My guy still loves me though.

I haven't done much. Tried to have a bath but one of the troubled young mum's I live near was going off a bit and her small girl was crying. Triggery. I couldn't handle it.

No motivation. None at all. I guess it's horrid depression/grief/"resilience fatigue" (I coined that term) biting me on the arse.

I did get a comforting call re my youngest daughters very late birth certificate being processed though; something I was freaking out about the other day when I had a really bad symptomatic day.

I've gone into isolate and avoid mode, ugh, worse than usual, except for my sweet man friend, who is out at the moment.

Watching a Swedish/English cop show on Netflix.

Man, this being so unwell is the pits.
I wish I could drive. I wish I had a job; things normal people have.
Me, who's survived all sorts of terrible stuff, who's performed in front of 1000's of people, improvd loads of amazing stuff (music) who's brought 7 people into the world. Who's IQ is stupidly high but I'm stunted, stuck, delayed, retarded coz I'm now like a child/teen, stuck in trauma that I should of processed years ago, but, I was too busy surviving, damage controlling for my family, studying, peer supporting, etc, trying to prove how "not crazy" I was to offset the horrid gaslighting, slander and covering-up of-his-own-crimes of my ex.
Well I'm spent, overloaded, exhausted, staving off almost-catatonia (but that sounds waaay to dramatic) reduced to this. Ugh, ugh, ugh.
 
Trauma;
Trying to move on, but it's insisting I feel stuff,
Deal with it.

I want to forget, but instead I'm immersed;
Internally oppressed by brain-gone-haywire.

Too much upset, hurt and turmoil,
lack of respect for my person.

I hurt by memory and nervous system response.

Reactions were delayed, so very delayed,
as I froze in the moment,
Couldn't feel, only hang on by a thread,
Survival my concern,
My children; my reason,
For being strong.

Now I'm compelled,
to relive what I couldn't feel, couldn't deal with, in the moment.

So gruelling to know, what I now know,
but one thing I hang on to;
I'll know I'll grow,
past this moment,
live another day,
give way to love,
and be free of it,
one day.
 
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So I'm all jelly and liquid, tears and taut nerves, pulled tight and wibbly-wobbly feelings.

I just want to cry and put this all past me.

I want to feel like I can do life and be far, far away from strife and liars and needing to cry and pretending I'm all right.

I want to be flourishing, free from fear and the desire to hide.

Does life get easier? Why is it some, many people, manage to hold down jobs, finish degrees and raise families without all this difficulties and drama and pain, while I struggle and battle, waiting for the time when it gets easier, stops hurting and being fraught with such debilitating, nerve-wrecking circumstance?

I want to dance, free and happily.

I wasn't an easy person to bring down.
It was systematic, years of hammering and damaging, deriding and riding me into the ground.
I'm still sound but struggling hard.
I know I'll recover.
I have faith, but it feels wasting, this facing stuff that hurts so much, that creates doubt about safety and comfort and being heard and cared about.
 
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Why is it some, many people manage to hold down jobs, finish degrees and raise families without all this difficulties and drama and pain, while I struggle and battle, waiting for the time when it gets easier, stops hurting and being fraught with such debilitating, nerve-wrecking circumstance?
I hear you. It isn't fair. I struggle with this too.

The thing is, we will heal. Life still won't be perfect. But we will be able to stride forward with confidence. I know you can do it.
 
I hear you mate.
Trauma has nothing to do with being an easy person to bring down.
Quite frankly, if you were, you'd be dead. And I'm sure I'm not the only person who's glad you're not.
Resilience fatigue is an awesome term for it.
If I might go all sciencey for a moment, and you might already know, but...
I got sick of how seemingly non-resistant I was to minor stress and how stupidly I reacted to minor stressors. So I did a bunch of reading until I understood it.
There's changes to the structure of your brain with trauma. It's more likely the longer your trauma lasts, so more likely for survivors of relational trauma rather than singular horrific events.
Our neurons are supercharged at firing along the pathways that keep us safe - which is why we have symptoms like HV and intrusion systems.
Our amygdalas are bigger and more active, and we do more processing at the back of our brains, which are the more primitive parts. (Think the four Fs: fighting, fleeing, feeding and... mating). The fronts of our brains, devoted to things like language and critical thought, get less resources and therefore less control of both our conscious thoughts (yeah, this is shit, but I'll cope), and the way we process (it's a bit hard when the neurons are running around screaming "danger danger danger!!!)
So in order to process and be resilient to something seemingly minor, we have to:
1) de-flood the brain and calm it back down from the surge of hormones we get when something mildly annoying happens and we react like our lives are in danger
2) rest/recover enough to get back to homeostasis (activity to maintain living, not pants-pissing overdrive)
3) start using our front brains again to actually process what's happened/is going on in actual words rather than the inarticulate screaming of the hindbrain
4) process it without tipping back to the hindbrain and needing to calm the bastard down again (may take several goes, repeat steps 1-3 ad nauseam)
5) process it, come to terms with it, get up and move on.

Most people are at 5 the whole time through the moment. No wonder they seem to walk it off.
So, yeah, resilience fatigue is a Real Thing.
You're a resilience badass if you can achieve resilience, not a resilience weakling for it not happening instantly.
Be gentle with yourself mate.
 
Y
I hear you mate.
Trauma has nothing to do with being an easy person to bring down.
Quite frankly, if you...

Thanks for the neuroscience reminder @Swift. Damn true.
I love my frontal lobes.
Study and music have been lifesavers.

Damn you amygdala dysregulation. But if we're gonna do this thing, bring it. I've rewired from trauma much, much, much, but too much drama, I don't do well with at all anymore. It doesn't even take much anymore. Screaming neighbors will do it. Neighbors with children clearly in a not healthy environment (drugs and screaming ugh ) and living in this druggy town just down the road from my ex? Not wolking too well for me.

I have a neuroscience book I need to get back into right beside me. "The Biology of transcendence - A blueprint of the Human Spirit" by Joseph Chilton Pearce.

Yes I need to read again, and not just here. Here can be heavy going. Talked with my T about that. I'm meant to "go easy" with being here and not immerse myself in it all the time.

I felt better writing three poems yesterday though. One spilled into the bulk of the night (ptsd poetry thread) I think I'll link to it.

Thank you for believing in me and sending comforting sentiments @littleoc @somerandomguy @Sietz . I'm feeling better today, although still not awesome. Better, better, better, I tell myself :)
 
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Ugh, frozen still.
Over it.
I did get a little done yesterday.

Was supposed to take son to the movies, lunch and shopping, except he stayed up til 5.40 and I was poetry editing and then waiting for sleep til 2.40. Didn't want to resort to diaza or tamazapam as I have done a bit of that lately.

So we stayed home. We are both holing up on our devices, in our bed's, way too much.

I'm wishing I could have a break from being me. I'm not dealing with myself very well.

Resilience fatigue; the state of being worn down from too-high chronic stress levels, despite having overcome many traumas and having developed high level resilience and responsiveness, as well as many coping strategies and self soothing practices and emotional intelligence.

Ugh ugh ugh. So not fun. I know I need to get past the shame and self judgement and dissappointment of this state but my primal-brain-wiring insists I hide my vulnerabilities and disabilities, so it's a panic situation if I can't fake ok.
 
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