The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Not sure how that happened. Oh well. My post became part of the quote. A quote post.

I am going dancing tonight. My lovely fellow sufferer and fellow peer support friend is picking me up to go dancing where I and A squatted and I had a mushie trip and knew he didn't care about me cause he wouldn't look me in the eyes. Shifty eyes. I went there anyway though. A lost, frightened, mentally unwell 16 year old. A year later I was having his baby up the very inaccessable dirt track, behind this particular hall/venue (where we will be dancing tonight). Our son, who will be 27 in 4 days, was born in a banana shed, slightly converted to be lived in. I had to fill the bath myself because A didn't believe I was in labour. My first, of 7, water freebirths.

 

[mumstheword]

One thing I haven't mentioned that is kind of key is that I haven't fully learnt to drive yet. My parents neglected me, I was ill with c-ptsd my whole adolescence, but untreated, hence the being vulnerable to getting snared by an abusive, much older man. My parents bounced me around a lot. But nobody tended to the issue of parenting me into adulthood. So developmentally, I'm about 12. of course I have inner grown ups. Nyah is a "Rasta Queen" a wild dancing ambassador for the oppressed and marginalized. Lynetta Ray is a devout gospelly soul singer and cook. Baba Yaga is an ancient crone/wise woman, possibly wicked witch. I am a mother, a wounded child-woman mother who desperately needs a good therapist to help me grow myself up. I am, at least, the sum of my parts.
I am not dim. I have a high IQ. But I could never drive myself and my children away from my abusive Baby Dada. My current sweetheart has a history of severe trauma, violence (against him), abuse, addiction and brain injury. We are struggling. But all is ok too. We have love, respect, honesty, attraction, friendship and patience and compassion. We peer support each other :-) so that is a lot to be grateful for, to celebrate and we blessed.:-) We also have 10 children between us.

 

[mumstheword]

I realized, dancing again last night, that my version of Baba Yaga isn't wicked.

Again, as usual, these days it seems, I had someone nearly piss themselves laughing at me dancing.

This I love and feel accomplishment for.

It was a woman, I watched her watching me and laughing to the guy she was with. I always pick up a bit and put more energy in when watched. I guess that is the performer in me. Anyway they couldn't help themselves,. they came over and the woman said "are you ok?" I kind of shrugged but said "I guess so". The guy explained that she was on mushies for the first time and thought that I might be too. I assured them that no, I don't need anything to dance like that. The woman seemed even more delighted by that. She asked me "how do you do it? How can you dance like that?" I said "a lot of trauma and a lot of dancing'" she said "I get it, I really do." .

Another young woman came over, just after I had started and gave me a pink rose and hugged me, saying "You are so beautiful." I thanked her, hugged her back and told her she was beautiful too (she was, very).

If only I could devote myself to dance, writing, drawing, making estatic, soulful dance-worthy music and wise-mind poetry-lyrical melody and lose this sense of ptsd-me.

I am on my path, I am getting focused. I will not lose sight of who it is of me, that I want to focus on. I am healing. I am committed. I will take the best of what life has given me, that I run with, that I throw myself into and I will present the face or faces of me that are true yet transcendent, strong and creative and deeply soulful, for I am earning that.

This is the shamanic me, in the making.

 

[mumstheword]

I am so confused right now. Everything is swampy. I am me but I don't know if I am dissociative, if I am better, how I am in relationship with my alters, if I am maybe even a hypocondriac, like my ex said? My mind is murky. I can't think properly. I don't have access to much at all. Maybe I am a new part coming to birth? Everything is uncertain. I don't feel able. I am frightened of myself, of the unknown, of handling anything. I feel I can't handle this life. I am frightened of action. I am frozen. I think I am like this a lot. I don't want to be present because I don't think I can do or be what I am supposed to do or be. Life is too much for me. They want me to be a grown up but I can't do it. It hurts. I'm scared. I tried. I faked everything. I am a big faker. I'm real but I'm not real. I don't know if I am real or not. If I am saying it how it is or not. Is anything real? Am I loved or am I just here for others benefit? To serve them? I can't! ! I can't ! I can't do it!!!!! I want to freeze. I want to hide. I don't want to be this. I don't want to! I want a mummy! I can't mother others! I want to be mothered! I don't think I am well enough to be what I am supposed to be. Somebody needs to take care of me! I think I have to be a faker to survive. I can't let anyone see how f*cked up I am. They will all leave me, not love me, abandon me, judge me, hate me, hurt me. I am not a proper grown up! Can't anyone see that! I've been faking and hurting and hiding all these years. Please someone, love me and look after me! Stop the scariness! Let me be safe so I can grown up properly!

 

[mumstheword]

That part of me is something I look forward to taking into therapy. I ended up imbibing some alcohol. It was too much, feeling into that with therapy for this deep stuff probably at least or more than a month before I even start. But I didn't drink much.

 

[NatBird]

I am so confused right now. Everything is swampy. I am me but I don't know if I am dissociative, if...

witnessing and sending support.

 

[mumstheword]

I have been alternately super busy and extremely depressedy-fatigued. So much to sort out and come to terms with! My oldest son turned 27 yesterday. People said to me things like "how old were you when you had him? Like twelve or something?" Close enough. A struggling, hurting, desperate frozen PTSD teenager being preyed on by a dodgy, shifty, sociopathic man twice my age. A man, I found out, hated me, envied me, wishes I was dead, and I'm stone-cold serious and not exaggerating. He's a malevolent man who lies and manipulates and drugs and gaslights and is completely devoid of any inherent capacity to feel empathy of consideration for others. Very Damaged.

I've done the best I could for my children but things are far from really ok.

If only I could have got real help as a young sufferer! But then, my children would not exist. I would be a different me. Still dealing with this God-awful thing/condition we call PTSD, but perhaps less tortured, less plagued with shame, by now.
I know not.

The magnificence things about me are my music and being a mum to all these beautiful young people. So I'm not sure I would be a better me without this harrowing journey I've been on, being this musical mama.

What a heavy.burden to bare though!
I feel more whole for having them, but my heart aches mightily for them.

They are heart-achingly beautiful.

I must parent this/these poor terrorized inner children/child to help me parent my actual children. Such a lot of work to do there!

I still have so far to go!

The hardship goes on and on and endurance is still the order of the day.

I am off to NIA, some dance/yoga/aerobics/martial art will help!

I am not in the worst way today, but looking forward to the lift my day's activities promise to bring.
Things are easing, slightly, but still heavy, demoralizing, saddening, hard, painful. I want to cry but must bare up and present with a front that lies. That says I'm ok. That says, my heart hasn't had too much to bare. I must carry on. I'm not so different from many others.

 

[NatBird]

Sending support and admiration. The way you move through and with this is amazing.

You are doing brilliant considering all that you have been through. I love that you are able to tap into and recognise some of the good in you: music and the mama. I say 'some' because I am sure there is plenty more.

Hope you enjoy NIA. It's the second time it's come on my radar in a week.

Sending a hug if welcome.

 

[mumstheword]

Sending support and admiration. The way you move through and with this is amazing.

You are doing bril...

Thank you :-) lovely Turtle brrd :-)

After a fit of self-pity, crying, self-loathing and whinging about how much I hate myself, am disgusting and am fed up with living here, where I'm constantly triggered and fed up with having PTSD in general, to my sweet man friend, I feel a little off-loaded.

Today was tough. My mood was low. Choir and NIA probably helped me though. I came home on the verge of totally losing it, my daughter is just starting senior high school and her mood is delicate to say the least and I'm an easy target. I've not much tolerance for any dumpage these days. I did burst into tears on arrival but instead of escalating into a big trigger fest, with my guy who is flu-ey, just got dumped on abusively by his borderline narc ex, and has ptsd too, in part from abusive women (but mainly from being stabbed in the neck at 18, losing his first long-term gf who was stabbed to death in a nightclub, and being bashed & left for dead from a home invasion and left with permanent brain damage, also because of the same ex who is still being abusive to him and the two sons she had with him) so low tolerance for my emotional fit throwing.

I coloured in and did some drawing and ate too much and went to sleep early, instead.

I'm ok now. Still hate myself, I'm telling myself it's because of this stupid weight gain that I incurred from hitting forty, studying and so sitting too much, my son getting psychotically ill (major stress-cortisol issue) and having to move back to this town where I have too much trigger-shit to deal with. Basically the PTSD has caused the fat to creep on and I am really not loving it.

I hope my extrogeneous ketones arrive soon and that they provide some relief from the fattening effects of PTSD on me, post forty.

I preferred skinny anorexic me, at least I could wear what I wanted. I really don't like this big, padded state. Tortureous to someone who used to be anorexic. I don't see any reason to like myself or feel good about myself because I am big now. So instead of trying to "accept myself", "love myself" as I'm supposed to, I'm just going to come right out and be honest, I disgust myself, I am ashamed of myself, not happy with myself, I gross myself out, being this size. I'm not obese, but it's bad enough. I've had an absolute nuff. I lost weight two time from low carb dieting, and got pregnant both times, thus sabotaging the weight loss, this year alone, and lost my babies, at 4 and 3 months gestation. I haven't even began to grieve over that. To much grief from stuff that's happened prior, to even give the miscarriages a look in yet.

But this weight stuff has to be dealt with, it's getting utterly unbearable.

 

[mumstheword]

Today I am exhausted. So much I should" be doing, but instead I've been drawing, zendoogling instead.

 

[mumstheword]

witnessing and sending support.

I am so grateful for you and your writing @NatBird :-).

I am in that sad, want-to-cry, feeling unacceptable and unlovable mode, even though, intellectually, I know it's far from the truth. Feeling like I am always on the outside looking in, like the little match girl. Feeling like the centre is too frightening anyway. People focusing on me is frightening.
I am Good at performing for others though. I am good at putting on a front, a persona. It has kept me alive and out of psych clinics, that and others wanting to control me and keep me from becoming empowered this keeping me from treatment and really, neglecting me. Plus the local psych hospital is the stuff of horror movies and I've tried to get in there and they don't want the likes of me in anyway.
So I don't have the option of losing it and getting hospitalised.
I have to pretend, and hold it together, at least until I can get some proper treatment. Thinking of opting out of this uni unit, as my health isn't really holding up.

BTW @NatBird , NIA is a very, very fun thing and I love my teacher. She has become a very dear and close friend, so yes :-) it is always fun and uplifting. Thank you, dear,.new friend :-)

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug::hug: :hug::hug:
(((@mumstheword )))
I am back! My son and his family were here for 4 days... And now I am coming out of the "daze." Being a gramma/Lola is exciting, fun, exhausting, and sometimes irritating.... But so, SO WONDERFUL!!!

I read all I have missed since last time, and the is SOOOO MUCH that I want to say! Mostly... I want you to KNOW, that I am also witnessing and validating your feelings, thoughts, and actions! I see TREMENDOUS BEAUTY in the work you are doing within EACH of your "parts!"

YOU are SO very intelligent, imaginative, creative, funny, loveable, and NEEDED!!! Even though some of your children don't or can't understand you now.... It is my prayer, AND belief, that there is coming a time of healing! Much more than you can even imagine!

Your refusal to give up, and your profound love of music, poetry, beauty, as well as your deep desire to heal is propelling you into greater and better days ahead! I, am SOOOO HAPPY you found us!!!!!!

I will write more soon... On my laptop.... Where I can quote some things that you said that stuck a chord with me!

Love, Hugs, and Prayers to YOU, Sweet, loveable, and exciting new friend!!!

AKJ :hug:

(What is NIA?)