The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[littleoc]

Thank you for the validation, lovely littleoc.:hug:
I think you are amazingly strong and determine...

I'm glad! Because you inspire me too! You're a badass! :hug:

 

[Freida]

This! ^^^^^^^

 

[mumstheword]

So utterly drained. T session today, major somatic gestalt kind of work. Just dealing with grief of my friend killing himself. Just this last traumatic event. I can't really believe how much stuff I have to deal with and I'm utterly spent.

I can't stop though, my children depend on me, my guy has a TBI, a bad bogus record and relies on me a lot.

My mum and her mum were nasty, narcy women but I must of inherited some level of grit and toughstuff from them (they probs still are, I don't talk to them). Yeah Badass! Wooooh! Luckily I got gentle-intellectual, kindly and honest side from my Aspie but socially terrified Dad

This suicide is really mucking with my recovery on top of everything else but I did some powerful grieving work in the session and it just drained the life out of me. I came out of the session feeling like I had cried for 6 hours, starved for six days and having to hold on real right to grounding strats; 3 things I can see etc ... just to stop feeling like I wanted to faint, was a bit dissociated but holding on and pretty legless.

I managed to whip up some food for me and my guys but I just feel soooooo wrecked! I couldn't get to my phone in time to answer my bestie and I was busy with food prep. I just don't have anything for anyone at the moment.

My 19 year old son rang me in counselling. I rang him back, straight after. He got drunk last night, was feeling crap. I think he's putting on a brave face for me but is struggling and needs me. It's been so hard for him. I want him with me. He's my quiet lost boy, quietly suffering and hankering for the parenting he's missed out on.

I hate this hold that his Dad maintains. So devious. Such a skillful manipulator. Like a boiler of frogs, killing you up so cunningly, slowly turning up the heat, cooking you so slowly you don't know you're being boiled alive. He's so good I still can't even describe how he broke me so badly. How he nearly did me in, so that I ran out of there, leaving my heart, my children, behind. Knowing I was done, would be over if I didn't go. Insane with the pain, with the years and years of misery, slavery, gaslit til I knew I utterly insane. So manic, cracked, a crazy, homeless lady. I couldn't die, the things I did to hang on by the skin of my teeth. Will power, yes, I know you well. The crying, tortured, beside myself, in the depths of emotional crisis flight mode, easy to mistake for heightened extreme poles that they call bi polar

 

[Freida]

no words....just letting you know I'm listening......

 

[mumstheword]

So I found out my ex hurt himself yesterday and is bedridden. Possibly a cracked rib? But won't go to the hospital.

I found something out about myself, too; it brings me absolutely no joy to know that he is brought low. Not in my nature to delight in others pain.

My 16 year old daughter is super-stressed, graceless, tears this morning; last exam for the term, today, though.

I can't do today, not now, I just want to stop, be comatose, stare into space, morose.

I'm sure I will do some things though.

 

[littleoc]

Be gentle with you

 

[Freida]

it brings me absolutely no joy to know that he is brought low. Not in my nature to delight in others pain.

you are amazing. Because me? yea, I'd be doing a happy dance. I need to learn from you!

I can't do today, not now, I just want to stop, be comatose, stare into space, morose.

That's ok -- take time for you!

 

[mumstheword]

you are amazing. Because me? yea, I'd be doing a happy dance. I need to learn from you!


That's ok -...

Yeah, I still haven't got out of bed today.
Made a couple of phone calls re health/recov-oriented supports up coming.

I'm havin' a pretty non-functional day but hey, this c-ptsd shit's real.

Yesterday's therapy sesh threw me on my arse (we call what you American 's call an ass an arse. To us, an ass is a donkey. It's pronounced aaaaahhss).

Watching Bearing youtube vids.:laugh:
Refreshingly Aussie.

 

[Freida]

I'm havin' a pretty non-functional day but hey, this c-ptsd shit's real.

Personally I think we all need more of these!
ass/arse LOL I wondered why you all said it wrong! :hug::hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Personally I think we all need more of these!
ass/arse LOL I wondered why you all said it wrong! :hug::...

:hug::joyful::hug: @Freida

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @mumstheword..... Recently I heard this quote from a woman who was a holocaust survivor.... She was asked how she carries on with the evil she experenced.... She said you don't let it own you.. That's your revenge,... To live. I just wanted to tell to you that...
Your the poet.... Writer...... Big hugs my friend... X

 

[mumstheword]

y'know -- sometimes I read what you write and I'm just dumbfounded by all you have been through and yet...

Thanks for this validation Freida.
I think and hope you're right. My kid thinks I'm strong and smart, although a bit retarded (I guess I've called myself this to him, so I can't blame him for joking at my expense about that :p)
So I hope that my example communicates to him that being emotionally honest and authentic is ok and more than acceptable, certainly in trustworthy company.

I've been a stickler for honesty, overdisclosure has been one of my primary not-greatest-parent-moments causes. Since I ran away from their father I've had to learn to shut my mouth in a big way.

It's sad that the truth can break young people's minds but the other's parent's lies get sway until that young person decides to check facts instead of just take the word of someone who's ethics around truth-telling don't have a good track record, to say the least.

Sorry for my shocking sentence structures. I'm just ranting, without regard for good writing. Just writing to get shit off my chest.:devilish::x3::arghh;:inpain::wtf::alien: