The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[NatBird]

I'm holding you in heart/mind...Much much love

 

[mumstheword]

Love to you too @NatBird :hug:
I want to respond to everyone individually but I'm already feeling like I'm sinking in quicksand.
I got really angry this morning and shouted. (What I thought was) the bus drove straight past me, with a different bus driver. I got mad, shouted, my neighbor-from-hell had to drive up the driveway at that exact moment and stop in the driveway. Too much. I turned my back on her and scuttled home in a bad mood. We live in a block of units, not on top of each other, positioned in a kind of semi-circle.
My guy drove me in with my cursing the "mean bus driver".
When we got to town I noticed there were two buses, my usual driver at the helm, pulling up in the normal spot, while the other one crossed the bridge in the opposite direction. Duh:barefoot: I didn't know we now have two buses leaving my village at the same time.

So I totally jumped to the wrong conclusion and raged and cursed. Feeling pri-tea silly now.
Used up my guy's morning (he's working today or I probably wouldn't have tried catching the bus).

 

[Sideways]

Feeling pri-tea silly now.

Just wanna say - it’s soooo good to see you be able to giggle at yourself:)

 

[mumstheword]

What do you do, when your kid thinks he's a psychopath?
When he's worried about being his father's son?
When he tells you he doesn't feel apathy?
That he enjoys hurting others?
He knows he's manipulative, he is, he knows he is and admits it?
He tries to frighten me and mess with my mind.
He knows I care and uses that to hook me in and twist my mind into thinking about sadistic stuff as he thinks about that sort of stuff a lot.
I'm so tired of other people's shitty shit.
So annoyed and fed up.
My kid is twelve and better not be a crappy person, I'm not up for it.

 

[Freida]

You get him into therapy to help him break the cycle.....

And I'm so sorry you are facing this --- you don't need this stress....

 

[littleoc]

Twelve? Plenty of time to change and heal, if he wants to. Some kids go through stuff like this and come out fine. There are extreme cases out there.

Maybe you should go to therapy together at first or partially, so you can explain the problem as clearly as you did here, and also be taught the boundaries you need in this relationship and he can be taught how to respect those.

I'm sorry this is happening.

 

[Sideways]

You love him.

Because your son is 12 years old. He won’t be a psychopath just because his dad was. But he’s dealing with a lot for a 12 year old. Trying to figure out who he is, and one of his role models? It makes sense that he’s afraid. It makes sense that he’d be concerned about any little similarity that he might think he has with his father. And it makes sense that, at 12 years old, he’d be finding ways to make sure that you love him unconditionally.

That’s how kids are. Definitely get him support (if helpful support is available in your area - yikes!). Remind him that you love him. He’s about to be a teenager and those aren’t easy years even without the extra stuff he has to deal with.

And whenever you can, remind yourself: he is his own person, he is NOT my abusive ex. He is just a child.

Be gentle with yourself, you’re under a lot of pressure right now.

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you @Sideways.:) i needed that. We are stable at the moment. My guy and my boy are watching " exreme weather" YouTube vids and discussing sciencey stuff. I've fed them, they are bonding over a shared interest. :) it's very comforting to watch.

I've spent the day connecting with my new Belmont-made friends via phone and phone support to my newly-bereaved bestie. Tonight, I'm going out with another friend, a old tentative, but I think, good, friend who lived next door to my newly-self-departed buddy. Going to dance to Tijuana Cartel.

She is coming over to the gig with an old friend of her's, who I haven't met yet. My oldest daughter will be at the gig too, with her bestie. They have been fan's of this band for years. I've never seen them and hardly know of them, but I'm expecting a good night, I trust my daughter's taste. :)

 

[mumstheword]

Uuuuuggghhh....!!!! So low threshold at the mo mo. My son came back from going down to his Dad's saying he'd been kicked out of his own room there by his oldest brother (my oldest son is 27) and the arrangement he'd made to have his twin besties over (that his Dad had agreed to, last week) was now null and void. Dad lamed out of it by saying "you have to ask everyone else, if they're ok with it I'm ok", so basically making my other children responsible for bowing out of a commitment he'd made to have his youngest son and his two friends over and laying it on other children to take responsibility.

The other kid (although 27 years of age now, the one which has taken over his youngest brother's room) and my 16 year old daughter are just allowed to bully my kid out of an arrangement their father made.

I threatened to go and make a scene about it, although that is so not my style and would embarrass the crap out of my kid and his friends. I would have them over but I live in a trauma-site shoe box and am desperately trying to move so that myself and my children can have a life worth living and some space to live it in.
Plus, this grief and supporting my friend after her man killed himself while I'm just out of inpatients care? Is not conducive for caring for two extra loud, boisterous and unruly twin twelve year olds on top of everything and my unlivable and depressing home situation.

 

[mumstheword]

So the boys left. I told son, "it's up to you to go and stand up.for yourself, but I'll help if I can".

Anyway, they've not been.back so I gather the fam found some room for them. They have a huge place compared to here and people not in crisis like here.

I felt fiery and at the end of tether.

Doing things, in bed, to take my mind away, like reading, listening to.music, massaging myself and I did have a cry and a cuddle with my lovely friend/lover/safe person.

So so wrecked, wiped, drained, limited in capacity to cope with any more than bed, light reading while stroking my.own.face to soothe myself, to not cry too.much, but I'm fragile, eyes burning, nothing left but what I can do, which is not much, post here, not make a scene, not get too out-of-it, not sink too deep.

Thank you for the support of those reading and being there. I really do appreciate you, so much.:hug:

The safety of the world shrunk again, but I hold hope alive in my chest, like a flame, I'll keep it alight. I've come too far. I can.feel the freedom and peace but it's humanity I want to connect with, not cut off, shut down, disconnect, hide, retreat, disappear, make myself small.

I got called up on stage yesterday. It's just a little stage, a very low key day time jazzy two peice, garden, outdoor scene at my local cafe. A casual musos sistren, who knows me as a bit of a Reggae Queen asked me up for a cameo, totally impromptu but I managed to pull some thing out of myself.
She said "it's like you have Jamaica inside of you." I guess that a complement as I'm a white girl from Australia and everything.I did was totally original, but still authentically roots and ragga sounding.

I'm pretty diverse though, but the years of training in that genre certainly come through, I guess, when.I'm pressed.

True wellness would have me out there, working, making original and authentic tracks with some folk who just wanna make music for life and pleasure instead of sadness and hiding away, watching friends die by their own.hand;

Too many now.

I need to spread joy, creativity and resurgence of a woman.knocked down.hard, who's terminator-style kept getting back up, to save her people, complete her mission, before destruction takes me for the last time, I wanna shine my light as bright as I can..

 

[mumstheword]

Wow, weird post. That last one.
Oh well.
I'm processing lots of things, lots of stuff on lots of different levels.
Assessing cultural trends and biases that perpetuate and grow like viruses ...

A tonne of hypocrasy, irony, cognitive distortions and "political correctness" that lead away from stepping into the light of our or just my?) own standing-up, and-truths-that-hold-water.

I'm referring to truth in the context of "The truth shall set you free" , freeing truths, factual truths, actual truths, bona fide truths, as the ones that stand up as empowering and liberating and enkindening, useful, helpful and promoting that which adds both growth and stability to life.

 

[mumstheword]

So I'm feeling sorta ok and sorta not.

Had a pretty good day after a slow start.

Made a good connection in the peer worker/ carer kinda context.

Carer support peeps are gonna help me by writing me (another) "endosing my move/rehousing" application, in this case, re my needs to be closer to my young adult son who has intellectual disabilities/autism spectrum/episodic psychosis challenges.

Also Partners In Recovery are going to help me with my National Disability Insurance Scheme (NDIS) application.

I need help learning to drive, learning to keep house, building a sense of safety in my community, maintaining and building on my recovery with a plan to return to study, build skills and gain employment.

Yep that's right folks I've had very little paid employment in my life.

I've done plenty of work, but not much of it has been validated with money.

I have a lot of unique and amazing skills as well as a lifetime of struggling with being isolated, marginalized and exploited and having too many crisis' and ill health issues to really get a sense of being a legitimate member of any community.

I am hoping, with my move (praying hard that is soon) that I get to experience more safety, more opportunities, more community inclusion and more validation via the normal monetary means, at some stage.