The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Our next door neighbor is constantly coming over to ask for things. Has my guy doing stuff. I'm finding it triggery. Again, she's refused to help when I'm in crisis (having a dead baby removed from me, in hospital and needing help so my guy could come in and be with me, so I had to do it unsupported and find another way to get home afterwards) but can come over multiple times a day to ask for stuff. She's a young mum, I do like her as a person, but I'm finding it triggery having to share my one and only support person so much and have her in my space, like ,everyday.

I just want to flee, have my.own space, where I'm in control and nobody I don't want around can invade my life whenever they want to.

 

[ILoveLife]

:hug: mums. You'll get out of there. I know you will. You've been accomplishing so much, that will be just another step. :hug:

if I'm not dying, I don't need any treatment.

Same here. I learned how to take care of myself too.

 

[mumstheword]

Wow, I've been in horrendously triggeredsville.
Saying and feeling really mean stuff about myself like "I'm a f*cking skanky PTSD nightmare of a woman.who should crawl in a hole and die". Yep, I texted that to my guy, as well as other horrid self hating statements, coz "I felt horrible so that means I am a horrible person."
He came home and I cried on him after I texted "I just want you to come home and to not fight with you."
I have trust issues, big time, the neighbor coming over after the being lobbed on last night? Tipped me into triggered overload.

I have, more specifically, trust issues and emotional wounding over being rejected when I'm in crisis and have been very brave and asked for support and been given the brush off and then had that very same (mainly female) person want stuff from me and to never even address the hurt I'm reeling from and the fact I have no one to rely on (except my guy, now).
This is old wound stuff from a f*cked up childhood and entire history, with a narcy mother.
Trigger revealed; I got over feeling it was much to do with our neighbor coz she's actually a really kind and friendly person, but the other visitor from last night is still in the "not at all to be trusted" category. The "You, as a person? because of countless instances of your behaviour? Is a trigger person to be avoided and treated very warily" category.

My neighbor is ok, she would never step over a boundary and choose a selfish egoic sneaky and manipulative disrespectful thing, she is just a struggling mama trying to raise twin toddlers, who leans on us in need.

I am a shaky, cried out, wobbly, jelly mess.

 

[ILoveLife]

:hug: here with you. Not doing so chipper myself though, so we can wallow together if that's alright

 

[mumstheword]

Yes let's :-) as our lovely Freida pointed out recently "misery loves company", I think it was Freida, anyway, brain's not been at all, too reliable, lately.
I'm curled up, under my doona, but I should be making dinner. We are having some kind of pumpkin soup, I just have to get up and proceed (I'm an invent-as-I-go cook, a lot of the time). What's happening with you, lovely Sietz?

 

[ILoveLife]

misery loves company

As long as we bring each other up, I'm game. :) today I'm tired of feeling like shit and just want to rip it off of me.

I'm an invent-as-I-go cook

I like that too :) I made a delicious typical Portuguese dinner last night, a sort of stew. I made enough for lunch today but there was nothing left.
I love cooking. I think it's my healthiest coping mechanism :)
And I love pumpkin soup. :)

What's happening with you, lovely Sietz?

I'm a lazy couch potato today. Not much. Have to take care of work stuff in the afternoon, and take care of some laundry too.
Was thinking on going for a walk later but my knee is in bad shape. Will probably go anyway :)

 

[Swift]

Here with you. Keep on keeping on.

 

[mumstheword]

As long as we bring each other up, I'm game. :) today I'm tired of feeling like shit and just want to rip...

My guy is showing me photos of nebulas and space plasma waaaay more giant than our solar system, so spectacular! So beautiful....

Sorry wrote that hours ago, have been in a post triggered/emotional flashback post fight/catharsis hangover.

I feel wrecked. Going over all the things my gatecrasher ex friend brought up for me and coming back from an emotionally charged both-triggered fight (not physical but shouting, crying and mean words were exchanged).
I binged, I drank a little. I'm feeling depressed about being fat. I am going to start walking again tomorrow and start on the exogenous ketones. I'm seriously going to apply myself to self care after being overcome with barely making it through for too long. By barely making it through, I mean unfunctionally overcome with debilitating symptoms. I feel I'm past some of the worst of it, now it's time to get back to rigorous self care and being a functional human being.
All the processing, getting counselling, peer support, group therapy and a good trauma and dissociation hospital program, building my first secure attachment, seeking advocacy, committing to be an available and loving parent, art-forms therapy (creative writing, journaling, music -songwriting singing, performance, dance, drawing colouring, a little painting), bodywork, yoga, natural medicines, study and research, all of it has paid off. I can't recommend all this stuff highly enough. It works!

So yeah, I'm ready to pull myself back together, again! I've had so many fall aparts/ breakdowns, health crisis, flare ups, whatever you want to call them, but here I am!

Building my life and my self and my family back up again! Celebrating resilience, love, commitment to growth and healing, truthfulness, integrity, creativity, service to others, faith, hope and kindness.
I am firmly on my path and looking forward to what I can bring to the future with excitement and wonder.

Hope springs eternal !

Thank you lovely kind people who come in here, read, cheer me on, you give me so much!!!! I care about you and I admire and respect you, so much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[littleoc]

You’re too nice and caring for people like that in your life :hug:

But you drew some great boundaries. And you know who you don’t want in your life these days (who wants toxic people around? Who cares if they’re nice if they’re also toxic?) so I’d say that’s a big win. You’ll feel less exhausted with them away from you... but take it easy for now :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I

You’re too nice and caring for people like that in your life :hug:

But you drew some great boundari...

I'm definitely going to let my ex friend know that what she did was unacceptable and I won't tolerate it again.
As for the neighbor, I did ask my guy if she could communicate by phone instead of coming around multiple times a day. He wasn't that keen though. I got angry, we fought, then we made up, coz fighting is too painful.
I'll see what transpires. I told him I'd be happy to tell her, in a kind way, so maybe I'll do that. I don't mind that he helps her and her family with loads of stuff, it's just the coming round constantly, because I don't even have a bedroom to escape to, our bed in in the living room.
Yeah they aren't like us, they are way more needy, I kind of envy people that can just ask and ask and ask for favours. Just about every time I've really needed support in crisis, people brush me off, so I only ask professionals that have that as their job and, sparingly, my guy friend that I'm sleeping who i let him move into my house with his kid, even though I was no way ready for a live in relationship and he's not been paying rent the whole time.

 

[littleoc]

Wow.

Maybe you should ask for some favors, then? Especially from people who may owe you anyway?

Not that favors are on a system of balances or anything, though. But I won’t claim to know how it works. Though I will say that most people I know who ask for a lot of favors are, for the most part, rejected until they can find someone who’s more willing/able to help them out

 

[mumstheword]

I

Wow.

Maybe you should ask for some favors, then? Especially from people who may owe you anywa...

I think you are right. Another goal for my recovery, learn to ask the odd favour and also be ok if people say no.
Also, to be fair, my guy wants to pay rent and does help with other bills a lot. We are trying to get housing to charge him rent too.

My problem is I trust most people so little. I mean, I just have trouble trusting and being vulnerable and putting my needs in people's hands, a lot of difficulty and heartache to confront there.