The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[somerandomguy]

That is wonderful!!!! Congratulations to you and your daughter!!!

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you :) she was very lovely to me too.:) invited me to dinner with her Dad, two of our sons/her brothers and her friend. I didn't go but said "next time". She has her first fashion show coming up. Actually when I'm supposed to be getting admitted so I'm going to postpone hospital. It's not every day your daughter has her first fashion show.:)

I'm kinda proud of myself that I managed to sit at the same table as her Dad. Of course it had me in a bit of a spiral of self doubt about whether I "made up" all the abuse he's rained down on me, coz he doesn't dare be a mean "ass hat" (to steal an American term, not sure exactly what it means) to me anymore. I was thinking of more derogatory male genitalia terms but I honestly don't have many feelings towards him now. He looks old, really old. I could hardly bare looking at him, but didn't ruin my night ruminating, coz we were there to celebrate our daughters accomplishments.

I wasted all my brain focus on taking the pics with my crappy phone camera though and didn't even have spare brain power to listen to what was said about her, damn tardy brain.

My ex is very invested in besting me as a parent, which he's not actually completely f*cking up at the moment, I think because he knows I'll be onto his transgressional abuse stuff and he loses prestige and power.

Anyway, maybe some people get corralled out of behaving as sociopathically as they once did?

He'll be working on our twenty year old to stop him moving up here. Yeah he went home with them and hasn't come back. I'm not too worried now, all out of worry at the moment. After all, I got him to the doctor and now he's going to get his own money and next we are getting him to radiology for a chronic man-problem issue and the dentist for, also, long overdue treatment.
He's way happier and getting mum care, at least, and an adult and no longer suicidal. So, yeah, no one is badly mentally ill anymore and they are no longer being controlled by a sick beeeeeep, like they/we once were.:)

 

[mumstheword]

Oh, I think twenty year old son just turned up.

 

[littleoc]

"ass hat" (to steal an American term, not sure exactly what it means)

(It means that his whole upper body is just the hat his ass wears)

You’re doing great :) :)

 

[Freida]

Just catching up and as usual I'm just in awe of all you have overcome. This is the part I don't think you see......you didn't turn out like your mom. You came out exactly the opposite. Even with the horrible things that have happened to you...you are still an amazing mom.

were there problems along the way? Yep. And yet you did something right be cause there is so much love between you and you kids..
that's what I see when I read your story. Love that endures. No matter what

 

[mumstheword]

Oh, me thinks I spoke too soon. Youngest daughter is coming apart at the seams with the pressure of "compressed curriculum", breaking down in class, eating even less than usual and she's already nearly dangerously underweight. Her photography teacher wants to work with me when they get back from a Sydney 4 day photography excursion to see what we can do to help her through.
She's been one for "stuffing" a lot and now little things are sending her reeling and spiralling out of control.
She's heading out tonight for the Sydney trip and isn't excited, instead she's pressuring herself about other tests and assignment due next week.
Also we caught son looking upset, heading down to the creek as he tried to get Dad to give him a driving lesson and Dad got caught up on the streets talking stuff up and being "the man". Son just walked off on him and we caught him looking grumpy when we went to drop off hot lunch for dawty.

My guy is spirally too. Triggered by an altercation with an indigenous man who was abusing his missus down at the preschool.
It got heated and the guy threatened to come up here (knows where we live) . My guy is going through homicidal ideation now. He's been nearly murdered too many times. Stabbed in the neck at 18, lost first girlfriend, stabbed in the heart at a nightclub, nearly beaten to death at 25, threatened by crazies with guns, nearly decapitated with a shovel by.oldest son's mum, nearly run over by daughter's mum. I told him it was a common and "normal" response for someone's who's been through the things he has. He's struggling though.

 

[mumstheword]

So daughter is back. In a better frame. I've convinced her to leave her design and technology textbook behind and just enjoy her photography excursion. She's excited now, about going to the botanical gardens, the galleries and I think, being able to have a little window of focusing on her favourite subject and not studying so hard and working as well, although she enjoys her job (pizza/pasta restaurant) . My guy is in a better frame too, he gets on really well with dawty and they are both destressing together. She's off to Sydney tonight.:-)

 

[mumstheword]

T

Just catching up and as usual I'm just in awe of all you have overcome. This is the part I don't think...

Really, really lovely of you to say Freida. I think you're right. My kids know I love them. I've never been able to feel that about my mum.

I've even managed to reconcile with them after terrible slander, gaslighting and manipulative alienation from their father. My only estranged son (still) is getting pressured by his gf to reconcile with me. I hear they are pretty serious and she really wants to get to know me and my guy (she's met me and heard good things about my guy from my youngest daughter ).

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm glad things went well!
:hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I'm glad things went well!
:hug:

Thanks :-) yep, seeing her off on the bus now

 

[mumstheword]

 

[mumstheword]

So my guy is the reason I got away from my ex. We became friends, like proper friends. My first, I guess, at 37, lol.
My guy is 6 foot 5 and has survived so much violence, he's a steely guy.
I stayed at his when I realized my ex would never stop being an abusive gaslighter and covert torturer (sleep depriver, drugger, slaver). I didn't really realize that he was doing all that stuff to me until way after.

I was in a very bad way though and I could feel that. I was in an extended flight mode mania by then, so chronically overtired, I couldn't even remember when I had slept more than 2 hours, in very chronic long term pain that used to wake me up, the pain was terrible, another thing he would do is cause the children so much stress, that my concern.for them made me prioritize them so much, my health issues didn't get addressed. He made a big deal about telling them that I was a hypochondriac. And would constantly set me up to get upset in front of them, quietly saying abusive and gaslighty things so that I would get hurt, angry and cry. He would sabotage them going to school, using all kinds of manipulative ploys to get them to stay home. Telling them "your mum might be gone by the time you get back" and constantly saying how terrible school is. The three oldest ones left school very early and didn't get much schooling because we were trapped out in the bush in a tiny shack for years and there was no way for me to get them to school because I never learnt to drive, another thing he actively sabotaged.

.Anyway I was worn down by having children to care for constantly for 20 years, while coping with c-ptsd and the abuse. He told the pediatrician that I finally got the children in to see, that I was "a psychopath, who tortured my children". She rang me up, very concerned, because she could see through him and she asked me if I was sure I wanted to be with someone like that? It was one of those chinks in the brainwashing.. I felt a bit doubtful, I couldn't think of anything I could have done that could be construed as "torture" other than getting upset when he said cruel, derogatory, slanderous and undermining things to me, in front of them.
He boasted how he could get people to crack, about a kid he caused to have a breakdown when he was in school himself.

Uh Oh, my old not-so-friends just lobbed on me. Lord give me strength.