The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

So I overdisclosed to these ladies, who I'm used to seeing when.they are in pretty psychotic states. I have tried to cut them out of my life because of how unwell and not good (like really not good) they have been to me in the past.

I guess I'm a special person to both of them though and because they were much, much more stable than ever (one particularly, who was very psychotically ill last time I saw her, but she is really hearteningly, amazingly stable and much recovered) I found myself opening up, like I used to be open with them, before they shat on me, and after they left, my guy told me "you don't have to tell them everything" I felt really, really stupid.

I know my brain is not very good after everything and that stupid flu but I feel really, really stupid for being so transparent and forthcoming.

They asked me stuff and I stupidly just opened up like a total retard (that I clearly am).
Uuuuuugghhhhhh!!!!
Also, dealing with that feeling and sense of being a total fraud. Like I've lied and made up everything. Like I'm a rotten person who is just histronic and a drama queen attention seeker. What a weird, irrational but powerful sense it is! I really don't like it.

Alongside it is a deep distrust and dislike of myself. Yep, I just don't like me at all, at the moment, I don't respect me and I feel disdain and distrust for everything I think is me. Where and why is this a thing? I mean, where does it come from? It's that sense of "well, you're crazy". "You're thoughts, feelings and identity aren't real" ..."you're a bad person for saying that people hurt you and treated you badly, when actually you are the bad one." I want to believe this voice and at the same time, I don't.

It would be easier, because certain people want me to think like that, they worked hard to get me to believe that, for lots and lots of years, very formative years.

 

[Swift]

What a weird, irrational but powerful sense it is!

Absolutely get that times a million.

And yes, it's awfully convenient for abusers if you are crazy, unreliable, unstable, stupid, making it all up.
They disdain and disrespect you so much and so hard that it's almost impossible to believe that they're wrong.
What I tell myself when I'm in that mood is "swift, don't do their job for them."
They want me to feel like shit so it's easier to treat me like shit, and so that I don't protest about them treating me like shit.
That's abuse. And gaslighting.
You are a person who is worthy of deep, deep love and deep, deep respect just by being you. That's what they don't want you to know.
They lied, @mumstheword. They lied through their words, and they lied through their actions that told you that more deeply than words ever could. Add the two together and you've got a soul-corroding toxin on your hands that you were forcefed far too many times.
It's okay not to feel like it's true, or not to feel like you're awesome all of the time.
Feelings aren't truth, though.
You are amazing and smart and kind and worthy. Your version of the truth is the truth, and isn't discountable just because it's "you" that's saying it. And you aren't the "you" they told you you were.
Sure, you didn't have to tell anyone anything. You especially don't owe your truth to shitty people, or people who act in shitty ways towards you, whether by illness or choice. (An illness doesn't mean someone isn't treating you shittily. It just means they're not responsible, as people, for it, but it doesn't make it suck any less on the receiving end.)
But - you also don't have to NOT tell people stuff if you're in the mood.
Disclosure always feels weirdly like confession to me.I have days where I'm spilling like an overflowing sink, and days when wild horses wouldn't drag it out of me. That's okay!
You don't have to feel bad about telling people. You also don't have to feel bad about not telling people. Quite frankly, it's your information, you can tell anyone else as much or as little as you like.

Here with you.

 

[mumstheword]

In a way, it felt better to carry around all the hurt and the blame and the scapegoating and gaslighting because I suffered quietly, I didn't voice those things about the people that hurt me badly. I took it on as if I was nothing, of no consequence, only useful in my capacity to serve others.
I didn't dare question the paradigm that was engrained in me, because I felt so bad, that must mean I am bad and crazy in a shameful horrible nuisance piece of scum way. Other people, people that had so much power over me told me, over and over in a million (or at least an unknown but large number) [of] ways that I was to blame, some one disgusting and not worth considering.

The neglect when ill was a big way this was shown to me. I had measles with high fever and delirium at 7 (with hallucinations) no doctor, no comfort (except I saw a comforting apparition) I got pneumonia (at 11), never ever saw a doctor, had a bad fight with mum, cut the inside of my upper arm deep with a razor blade, got scared so I showed mum, never got it stitched or seen by a doctor, my guy said I was very close to killing myself with that one (it just missed a major artery), I have a massive scar there now, I was 14, I think.

Terrible constipation, lying on the floor in agony for days and days, like 10 days, at my Dad's, no care (this was when he married my stepmother, what a bitch) I was 10.

No wonder I never told anybody about the sexual abuse at after school care at 9 (other children) or the rape by a 10 year old, with the weird creepy mum who encouraged it, at 9 also. Why would I go to such unresponsive parents? Or all the bullying kids over the years. Being dunked for ages, in a dam til I thought I would drown, just one example.

Bullying and neglect where my norm for thirty f*cking seven f*cking years. My parent's friends were abusive people too. The couple we got lost with in Tassie and wondered into a property where we were threatened with a gun (at 3 or 4) where also the family that lived in putrid chaos (we visited them a lot) and who's Dad belted me and their two girls, because one of us (not me) accidentally broke a light bulb. My Dad was fine with me being belted by another dude after doing nothing (i think I might have been 6 or 7). So when was I supposed to get the message that I was cared about? That I mattered?

 

[Swift]

There it is.
How the f*ck were you supposed to learn it mattered?
I get the 'neglect when ill' thing. My parents are doctors, and are of the impression that if I'm not dying, I don't need any treatment. Whooping cough, scabies, kidney infections, broken bones, no treatment. They're so used to being the last port of call that they wouldn't take me to a damn doctor when I needed to go. Still the same.
It sucks. Mum wouldn't even take me to get f*cking panadol or nurofen for my f*cking broken hand after surgery when I couldn't drive, or give me any of theirs because "it's broken, of course it hurts." And took my scripts for endone and panadeine forte that the surgeon gave them and not me. And wouldn't let me take even panadol.
And what you learn from that is "no one cares", and what you learn from learning no one cares, but there are people who's parents care or maybe they cared about other people, is that you're the one who's the problem. That's the way kid's minds work. No one cares, therefore it's my fault.
Your parents were shitty and abusive and inadequate. No wonder you didn't learn anything good about yourself from them.

 

[mumstheword]

L

Absolutely get that times a million.

And yes, it's awfully convenient for abusers if you are crazy, unr...

Love you Swift. Thank you for understanding. For empathizing. For being a voice of reason and compassion and wisemind.

It's a weird thing, but it makes sense when we are treated in such a cruel and dismissive and invalidating way, for so darn long.
You've taught me lots of useful applicable knowledge to deal with sucky numbers our brains do on us. You really are an absolute boon and a treasure here, on site.
Wonderful woman I want so much love and cherishment and also justice and support for you.

 

[mumstheword]

There it is.
How the f*ck were you supposed to learn it mattered?
I get the 'neglect when ill' thing. M...

Likewise. Your parents suck. I hate that you've had such shocking and abusive neglect too. f*ck I hate that you know it and are subject to it, still!??! That hurts @Swift . f*ck! You deserve so much more and better!!!! Grrrrrrr I wanna take care of you! No wonder you.were so vulnerable to f*cking pedo-evil-bitch! Man, some people suck at being parents!

My kids have been neglected too. I just hugged nearly 20 year old son and cried a little telling him how sorry I am that he's been neglected, that he deserves so much care. That I never wanted that to happen. That I couldn't go around there for so long, I was too upset and didn't want to burden them with that. It's taken me years to get my arse over there, to brave being around their Dad again and ingratiate myself in his (my son's) life again.

I may never fully recover from the moral injury of being complicit to being parentally alienated and subsequently, utterly negligent for years. I was deprived of power and agency in my kid's lives. What excuses do parents have, that aren't?

 

[somerandomguy]

Mums ... You did the best you could with what you had.

You did the best you could with what you had.

You have many more resources now, and you're making the most of them. But you can't blame yourself now for the things you didn't know then.

 

[Swift]

Amen, @somerandomguy.
And yeah it's shitty. I've stockpiled painkillers now so that it won't happen again. Dad gave me some at the wedding and told me not to tell my mum. He went to a chemist up the valley to get them for me without getting busted. They ran out pretty quick, but he did try.
I'm twenty six, I think I can handle a panadol or two.

 

[mumstheword]

Mums ... You did the best you could with what you had.

You did the best you could with what yo...

This got tears leaking outa my eye sockets, again.
I don't feel ready to accept that I'm that off the hook though. It feels like a massive, shameful fail that is inexcusable. Even though I got too unwell and was too disempowered, that's just not something I can let myself off the hook for, not by a long shot.

But thank you :-) lovely somerandomguy for being so compassionate and kind. I'll get there with myself, I guess, in time.

Lots of grief to process, still, around it, and resentment and fear of their father and my mother, they are the big most-messed-up attachments I have to heal from.
I still feel like such a bad non-person when it comes to feeling into those relational spaces. Tragic.
I know they are lost, afraid, hurting, deep down they are both traumatized, neglected children themselves, trapped in very aging bodies. I don't hate them, I'm just tired of it, of the futility I feel in relation to them.

I don't feel like that about my kids, though, I have lots of hope, excitement, pride, relief and fierce love for my growing up baby(s) (adults) ... They are magnificent, resilient and full of promise and drive and enthusiasm for life.:):rolleyes::hug::hug::hug::happy::smug:

 

[littleoc]

I used to be open with them, before they shat on me, and after they left, my guy told me "you don't have to tell them everything" I felt really, really stupid.

Hey, me too. It got me into a bit of trouble... but mostly with myself. Turns out humans like to trust people and try to get support, I guess? You wouldn’t call me stupid for doing that, though, would you?

Also, dealing with that feeling and sense of being a total fraud. Like I've lied and made up everything. Like I'm a rotten person who is just histronic and a drama queen attention seeker. What a weird, irrational but powerful sense it is! I really don't like it.

Same... it feels like such drama, and it just COULDN’T be real, or believable.



About your daughter:
It’s pretty normal to be that stress while in school! It’s hard to handle but the ones who do so, so well as your daughter has, usually have a TON of work and care in the background. Which leads to stress. Knowing that helps. Or, it helped me out :P

 

[mumstheword]

Hey, me too. It got me into a bit of trouble... but mostly with myself. Turns out humans like to trust...

I wouldn't call you stupid, ever, littleoc, you impress me, pretty much, everyday, with your compassion, wisdom, intelligence and articulate empathy.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm kinda wild right now. Delayed rage reaction. It's about the people that gate crashed my place last night. Same woman who did it to me at the beginning of the month when that festival was on. Both times she's used one of my children to just lob on me, uninvited. Last night she picked up my disabled son from his supported accommodation so that she could just mozzie on in. She knows that I'm not happy, like really not happy with stuff she's done, meddling in my family, encouraging illicit drug use to my kids, keeping me and my guy up all night with her psychotic mania and egomanicing and gradiosing, being dishonest and without accountability. Triggery. Too much like my ex and mother.

She came with a younger woman who has known my family (as in my ex and I and children) since she was a young girl. A young woman I've taken in, in the past, extremely psychotically ill, who, when I told her she's had to leave, because she refused to get treatment and she was scaring my small child, she then screamed at me, in the middle of our tiny town's main drag to "Go f*ck your children!" Very, very low blow, knowing how much I care about my kids.

I did confront her about it after she continued to text me as if nothing had happened, and she apologized but severe damage has been done and I'd not answered her text for years since. She was very much more stable though and had been working her recovery and it's clearly paid off. I was happy to see her so well.

The other one though, ggggrrrrrrr. Twice now she's rocked up, just come straight in of the tail coat of one of my sons. Knowing that lobbing like that, in the evening, or anytime really, is rude and she's been fine to say no to me when I went round to her's, really, really shattered, when I had to leave my kids in crisis all those years ago.

The first time she brought her.neighbor, some guy I'd never met and just followed my kid in the door after my guy has told her it was "not a good time."

This time, picking my kid up at 8 pm, from his place, just so she can guarantee that I'll let her just gate crash my place, knowing my children are my achilles heel.

I feel manipulated, violated and ambushed.