The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

I'm at my besties, it's Pete's birthday. He's her boyfriend and my close friend who killed himself in April. I'm a bit run down, sore throat, nasal infection, headache, UTI, but I'm ok.
Better than.yesterday and the shitty trigger session brought on by my very miserable, S/i, depressed and fybromyalic brother. The sibling I am closest too, my next sib down.
We are not in great nick.

He's still trying to get something from our mother that I've long since given up hoping for. I am just grieving the never-having-got-it-and-never-will-ness of it, now.

I am so lucky and fortunate that I've been able to heal and recover and bond and get the great treatment that I'm now reaping the benefits of.

My place wouldn't have gotten so organized if I hadn't just gone and had that last inpatients stint. My brain couldn't manage it before. I'm soooooo much better! And my home reflects that!

It's a sad day also, though, we miss Pete, he took his life so violently and unexpectedly. We loved him so. We are doing ok though.

 

[Freida]

Im so sorry....?

 

[mumstheword]

Thanks @Freida.
Recovering from flu, slept most of yesterday. Went walking with 20 year old son just now.

On parts; I've made a discovery, Baba Yaga, my "witch" part, I thought she was just strong and scary, but it turns out she is pretty terrified. The persecution, maligning, vilification and torture stuff is what's she frightened of, fair enough really.
Revelations about psychology of parts is breakthrough stuff, I reckon.
My witch part has been with me since I was a child. She has a duel nature, part anti social and socially avoidant and part "wise woman"; socially serviceful and skilled in healing arts, and certain shamanic knowledge and arcane abilities.

I now have to figure out how to comfort her and nurture her, because I've sidelined her and been suspicious and judgey on her myself.

She wants nothing more but to move back into the bush and live her witchy, quiet life but that's not going to keep my other parts happy.

 

[mumstheword]

One of my daughter's besties just lost her dad. He's been missing up a local mountain for a week. He accidentally started a bush fire, rang his family and that's the last anyone heard of him. They finally found his body today.

My daughter is spending the weekend with her friend and will be there with her, with a bunch of other friends, as they get confirmation of his death.
He was also besties with one of my guy's friends slash bosses.
It's a sad time.
This is the second dad of my daughter friends to pass this year.

A lot of people die around here.

Or maybe it's just because it's a small town and we know about all the passings and have connections with everyone who dies.

I'm not going to let this get me symptomatic though. Not unless my daughter gets too burdened and goes under. My kids getting breakdowny is a real trigger for me.

I guess it's good to get familiar with our triggers and be prepared.

I'm pretty well, otherwise, comparatively.

 

[mumstheword]

I am growing a lot more adult-like. I think I'm really developing a sense of grown-up mum self-me.
This has only been able to happen since I created safety boundaries for my little(s) and teen me, getting mum out of my life.

I am doing good, parenting my little(s). And reaping the benefits.:-)

Tired a lot again though, fighting flu symptoms.
I did walk with son though, 20 year old son.

 

[Swift]

What @Freida said.
I'm sure you're an awesome mum.
And... I am sure your mum doesn't spend any time thinking about whether she's an awesome mum, except to blackmail you into saying she is for her own reasons.

 

[somerandomguy]

Mum's, you've come such a long way. It gives me do much hope for myself, especially as a parent. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I don't get to feel like an awesome mum. My ex has vilified me and terrorized me and gaslit me and scapegoated me and undermined me, much like my mother did.

Thanks for saying it though, guys.

I always wanted to be an awesome mum, but I had a lot of stuff going against me.

It feels like it's all my fault. But I tried. Being only 17 and having had a lot of horrid stuff happen to me up until then, I tried my best but I don't think it's enough to make up for all the crapness that I was subject to and had stacked against me, on top of having this God forsaken disorder.

 

[somerandomguy]

I tried my best

That's what you should always try to remember. You had many, many, many strikes against you as a parent, but you did your best. You really tried to do your best. And that's all anyone can do - and many people do so, so much less than the best they can do.

 

[mumstheword]

Mum's, you've come such a long way. It gives me do much hope for myself, especially as a parent. :hug:

I'm glad SRG :-) I saw my oldest today. He opened up to me. I'm so glad he's talking to me again. He's pretty low and has Crohns disease/IBS, an intestinal disease. His Dad is leading him into hell unwellness (mentally and emotionally) and he's feeling very lost and disempowered. I think I was able to offer some helpful insight and shed some light for him.

My kid's are not getting the "frog cooking" that their Dad is so proficient at. It takes a clear head to work this stuff out and that's something my ex doesn't allow.

I'm so glad he came to me, I hope he found me helpful. He was so run down.

I told him that self care is the most important thing and the best thing that he can do for everyone.

He got to see how beautiful my place looks now.

I wish I wasn't so obsessed with my kids being ok. It stems from my hell when I was their age. I can't stop being haunted by my past and obsessing and worrying that they will suffer like I did.
They've all suffered traumas, plenty of traumas, I just hope they never get this thing.

I just worry day in and day out, that my being ill like this, so avoidant and having such a small life now, no work, no study, no presence in town, hardly reaching out to my adult children, is adding to their hurt and validating what their Dad has said about me.

I was a person who hung on, by a thread, for the lives that I was responsible for and then, when I knew I wouldn't make it, I had no option but to escape and he poisoned them against me, lied to them, twisted things and capitalised on me being unwell.
I'm the one who got to be pointed out as "crazy" to my own children and the entire town.
No one was there for me. Even my own brother saw me, when I was living in the last scary ghetto, walking my littlest to school, and just drove past.
I did get some services that filled that family gap.
But nothing kills the pain of betrayal and family negligence.
Only time, I guess.
Man, intergenerational trauma sucks.
It's slowly getting better though. I just hope my darlings are going to be ok, I can't take any more tragedy, right now.

 

[mumstheword]

I was just reading back and I realized I didn't acknowledge or give thanks to you beautiful friends when you were giving me such wonderful support during my harrowing post hospital, pre-inspection tough time. So thank you! Thank you so much! @Swift, @ladee, @Juso, @somerandomguy ...

 

[mumstheword]

Not to forgot, the lovely @Freida and @Sietz, you helped me through a really hard time and I'll be ever grateful, it made all the difference!