The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

So I'm feeling very turned on, sexually turned on. I'm very attracted to my guy and he's working today and I wish he was home and we had the house to ourselves. It's a far cry from the many years of numbness, both physically and emotionally and sexual dissociation I practised, unwittingly, for much of my life.

I had A LOT of abusive sex, abusive in the sense of alowing myself to be abused and used and exploited and tossed aside and judging myself very harshly and shaming myself and hating myself and being treated hatefully. That's a thing of the past.
I'm not into kink. Sex used to be simply a means of survival. Sex traded for not being killed, not being ignored by everybody and excluded and abandoned and then sex so that my children wouldn't be taken away by a narcissistic drug addict predator who happily enslaved me and entrapped me from the age of 16 until I was 37.

I was numb and sick and desparately unhappy until I met the man I'm with now. He smiled at me with eyes full of light and warm. Not eyes like empty voids of darkness and never-quelled hunger and ruthless predation.

He was happy to meet a friendly, receptive fellow human, instead of never being seen, I was appreciated AS A PERSON :-)!!!!!!!

He is tall and goodlooking and kind and courageous and very, very hot, to me.

I don't need kink or props or porn or fantasies. I just need to tap into my feelings of gratitude, affection, attraction and love for my best friend and ally, the guy-who-has-my-back, who is always honest and up-front with me and who always "shows up", who cares about my feelings and understands recovering from too much hell and torture and fighting for survival until you are bone-weary and need to rest, and terrible betrayal and heartbreak and being a tender, bruised soul who's seen too much and carries immense burdens.

When I waa "dying" I craved sex with him, but he was very frightened, from too much abuse and betrayal in the past. He finally gave in and I knew he was who I wanted it with, for the rest of my life.

He's a very rare, gentle, soul who has learnt how to be a bit of a tough guy after too many brushes with death and violence perpetuated on him.

I'm a bit tough and bad ass these days, but, more of a social recluse and a poet.

 

[mumstheword]

Yes, that's right, I pursued him, I propositioned him, but not in any kind of disrespectful way, just honest, forthright and persistent, while remaining respectful and patient.
I am a bit of a blokey-woman, in that way.

 

[Freida]

I'm quietly aching to Be Se

I see you. I see you every time you offer help and support to me and the others on this forum. I see you as you rebuild the relationships with your children, as you improve your relationship with your man, as you make the changes that are taking you to a new and beautiful place in your life.

I see you as you become the person who journeyed from the girl who got lost to the woman who found herself. I see you as you deny your pain, say others had it worse, trying to minimize and make sense of it all. I see you as you become the beacon of light for others by telling your stories of survival -- allowing them to follow along so that they know that things can change in their world as it has changed in yours. I see the hope you bring.

I see you...:hug:

 

[mumstheword]

You are so kind @Freida!

As usual I got a little overwhelmed and surprised and awkward at such lovely, affirming feedback.

But in a good way :-).

It's funny, because I say I want to be seen, but then, mostly, I want to hide in my cave, these days. I know that is a lingering symptom, it's a very powerful one, more so than ever before. I don't much like going out anywhere and actually being social. Although I had a good day yesterday, we went to a beach and lake village and ate by the lake and walked on the beach. Took my 20 year old with us. It was father's day, we met up with my guys oldest son and his gf. Also had a drop in from his youngest son, who is also my 20 year old's bestie.

Here is a pic I took on my crappy phone camera. I am buying M's (my guy's oldest) gf's samsung

something so I will have a better camera soon :-). This is the view from where we ate.

 

[somerandomguy]

Beautiful!!! ❤

 

[mumstheword]

One of my biggest struggles and symptoms is that I'm just sooooooo tired and jaded by so much of the world I've been subject to.

I'm really sad that I'm too emotionally exhausted to cope with many of my family members. It's a combination of deep emotional exhaustion and shame. Shame that is so deep. Shame that I inherited, shame that I was so neglected and discarded, that I was so lost and chronically abused, that I have had to struggle soooooo hard as a really unwell and zombie-shattered-terrified teen that got pregnant and have just had to hold on so much, by my white-knuckled finger tips, to raise my babies and keep them as close to my heart and soul as possible.

That only worked for close to 21 years and then I realized I was close to perishing and I had to escape and I left six out of seven of my kids because I was homeless and too, too unwell.

I got my 3 youngest and ended up with only my youngest full time. He's being amazing but it's been a long haul with him, because he was scary violent and disturbed for a long time. He's healthy and secure now, comparatively (except for a bit of a cold).

My daughter has moved to her dad's, because she's allowed and encouraged to smoke weed and is probably having unprotected sex with her new bf.

I'm finally able to emotionally cope with her not being in my care. She's as old as I was when I was pregnant with her oldest brother. She's a strong, beautiful, mature, wise, compassionate, hard-working, caring and honourable young woman of integrity.


I need a proper, rest, from so many years of very stressful and harrowing parenthood, while suffering from developmental and subsequent chronic trauma and oppression.

 

[Freida]

Love that!

 

[Freida]

I need a proper, rest from so many years of very stressful and harrowing parenthood while suffering from developmental and subsequent chronic trauma and oppression.

Yes you do. You both need it and DESERVE it. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Yes you do. You both need it and DESERVE it. :hug:

Love you Freida.:-) always there with the kind words of validation and encouragment. Thank you, again.

 

[mumstheword]

So I just got an answering text from the son of mine who I have been.estranged from. He told me he loves me! He said he's been going through a very dark period and has been cutting himself off, that he hasn't been able to communicate but that he knows "life is a beautiful photo that you can develop from the negatives". He wants to come and see me before he leaves the area! Which he says will be soon.

 

[mumstheword]

So a lot of my traumatic problematic stuff I still have no words for and much of it is blocked from my recall. My past is very swampy and murky, for the most part. I'm left just not wanting to leave my home or engaging socially.

 

[Freida]

He told me he loves me! He

of course he does!!!