The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

I know it's terribly unPC to say your mum is a..... See you next Tuesday, but i just did it.

I dunno if this helps you... But when I found out I had DID I was like "holy shit, what if one of us is a racist?"...
Or, what if I have a racially diverse alter?
I take race and race politics pretty seriously and spend a damn lot of my time trying not to be racist....

Here's the thing. I don't think you get a choice about who your alters are. And I don't think it's the same thing as cultural appropriation or racism, and I consider myself pretty woke about these things despite my white privilege. I read a lot and I run in a lot of activist circles.

I did some reading so if you want The Science, here goes, but if it doesn't help you obvs take or leave it.

Alters form from internal need. Often alters have different characteristics than the host or the core does - because these characteristics are either a) protective, like in the case of a male alter for an AFAB person (ie woman or girl usually), or b) that alters are generated not by our conscious, super-woke frontal lobes, but the back of our brains because our critical reasoning shuts off in trauma. Also, there's a chronological element - when these parts came about, you didn't know what you know now about race.

So the philosophical angle is "can a dream state, dissociative state phenomenon be morally wrong in the way that we judge a fully aware phenomenon? "
And I think the answer is no.

I have an internal misogynistic homophobe - his name is Jack and he's twelve. I was journalling to him, being like, hey Max has offered to hang out and meet you if you like, and he replied "he sounds like a f*cking faggot"..... Which is a word I never use even in my own head. I told Max who thought it was hilarious - I think it's pretty funny too.

So yeah. That's my answer to the question of "does having an alter of a different race make me a racist?" which you probs didn't ask, but I don't think it's something you have to feel bad about.

Great rant about your mum.
Trauma is like an infected, pussy wound - cleaning it out is messy and it stinks but yeah. It's healing.

Lol It took me a bit to get the "See you next tuesday" thing.
I wish it wasn't so.
I cried a f*ckton last night. My guy came back from work very late and I had no one to distract me from extreme sadness, so I bawled my eyes out. A lot of it was over my mum. Yes, deep grief and disappointment and heartbreak and desolation over my relationship with my mum. She is a "very wounded woman" people keep telling me. She is, very chronically, and I'm not sure if she's going to be able to heal or recover or even be real and stop projecting and living in toxic denial, before she dies. I feel very helpless, powerless, demoralized and sad about it.
Her family are from London. They came out to Au when she was 12. Her mum was also a teen mum, but she only had my mum. I think my grandmother might have gotten very traumatized from WW2. I am certain she had a personality disorder, I suspect narcissistic plus some bpd, hypercondria and histrionic traits in the mix. My mum was wounded from the start. I feel sorry for her, but that's not a good basis for a relationship.

 

[mumstheword]

This is so very, very sad. I can't even imagine what this looks like. No one should have to be in this position - EVER.

NO. What you are living now is life. What you were living then was survival. Plain and simple.

I gues you are right, again @Freida. I still haven't learnt to thrive, but at least I am able to heal now and recover :-).

 

[mumstheword]

I m in a very peaceful, positive state right now. It's the tranquility, clarity and renewal after a fierce storm. The night before last I had a massive, and I mean MASSIVE sadness and sorrow purge. I cried for hours and in between crying I did some TRE (trauma release exercises) tremouring of the soas (sp?) . My intense emotionality was brought up, for the second night in a row, by my guy being out for an extended time.
The first day, I had the rage purge and then got very frightened and then sad. The second day I broke down and cried for hours. My guy came home and we fought coz it triggered him, but, luckily, we are getting better at resolving triggered situations pretty quickly.


Now I feel cleansed like the storm aftermath. Things are messy but the flooding cleaned out a lot of muck and hydrated and nitrogenated the growing things. My roots are firmer and my branches are longer. I am more firmly placed, centric, in my reality.

 

[Freida]

The first day, I had the rage purge and then got very frightened and then sad. The second day I broke down and cried for hours.

Someday I will be here ^^^

I am more firmly placed, centric, in my reality.

So that I can be here ^^^

Because you've shown me it can be done! :hug:

 

[Swift]

Awesome work mums. So glad you're getting this stuff out

 

[mumstheword]

Thanks guys @Freida and @Swift.
I'm still feeling better.:-).

Went to the movies with my guy and two sons, 20-yr-old and youngest. We saw Venom.
We all enjoyed it.:-)

 

[mumstheword]

Just me and youngest son at home today.

A well needed quiet day for both of us.

Feeling lots of love for him and my guy.

Also upset and hurt still from the neighbor, who has (thankfully) stopped coming over, constantly, thank god, but I have to listen to them.
All. Day. Long.

I think she, or her mum, might have overheard something I said to my guy about her, on the back verandah.

Yes, they live that close. Sooooo. Close.

Reading @Freidas diary, just now, brought my hurt and devastation up, over her refusal to help us get me home from the hospital after last January's baby loss.

A devastating blow after so many other's.

That's really at the bottom of my freak out of her coming over constantly, that, and a, probably very common, PTSD reaction to someone I don't really owe any allegiance to, turning up, wanting stuff all the time.

Anyway, it was completely doing me in.

Then my dad turned up, which was also very stressful and taxing for me.

I'm ok though. Just isolating pretty badly.

My guy went to Brisbane to visit his son. It's fine. I was happy for him to go.

I am pretty concerned about my oldest. I need to touch base with him. Saw him yesterday, briefly. He was going to come to the movies, but changed his mind. He wants to catch up though. His energy is low, low, low. He's quite depressed. I think he might have ptsd.

I feel like a failure of a parent. I know, intellectually that I'm not, but I feel that I am.
I'm still so scared of my kid's suffering like I did. I'm frightened of the history repeating itself, coz it seems to do that, a lot.
I'm angry, hurt and let down by my mum. I'm grieving. My lost babies, my lost years without my kid's. Our dog getting killed by a brown snake late last year. My ex being a complete c*nt, forever and always, mindblowingly cruel and malicious and selfish and immature. My parents dumping me and being pretty shit parents, on the whole. My loss of functionality, loss of social desire, loss of drive, loss of my career path direction and mmotivation loss of my life's musical works. Loss of my youth. Loss of my most loving and probitious parent (he was a man.overflowing with probity), my step dad (12 years ago). So much f*cking loss! 3 pregnancies. That's a big one. Two last year and 1 the year before. Still hurting. I'm still grieving this latest loss of a potential family. Coz that's it. It's not going to happen now. My beautiful man and I won't be sharing our genes and making a happy fam. Our family is so f*cking messy and fraught with complif*ckingcations. Sigh. I do have love though. A man I adore. Lots of amazing and (terrifying, coz parenthood is f*cking TERRIFYING) awesome offspring between us, just not together.
i'm just not over all my losses. I was too busy for too long. Too dissociative, I guess. Too running and faking and trying and being brave. Where am I now? Hiding and still licking wounds.

 

[Freida]

Reading @Freidas diary, just now, brought my hurt and devastation up, over her refusal to help us get me home from the hospital after last January's baby loss.

I completely forgot that was her! What a bitch!!!!! You owe her NOTHING and if she doesn't like what you say about her tough! Maybe she should try being a better person and people wouldn't say crap about her.

I was too busy for too long. Too dissociative, I guess. Too running and faking and trying and being brave. Where am I now? Hiding and still licking wounds.

And yet somewhere in there you provided a safe place for you kids, showed them enough love to survive being raised by that asshat --- so that they can now move into adulthood understanding what love is

 

[mumstheword]

I'm feeling pretty crap today. Anxious and immobalized. I'm frustrated coz I feel that the visit from my Dad has set me back.
I'm tired and feeling pressured coz my kid turns 13 in a couple of days and I haven't got enough in place yet.

So brain-and-emotionally-spent.

Screw ptsbs. It's kinda horrid after an after-dump out high, because the contrasting dip feels kinda shitter. Still, I do enjoy those peaks when they happen. I still like my life, and am learning to accept my impairment. I don't love it right now, but I accept that that's the way it is.

My guy is helping me, though, so it should be fine :)-

 

[mumstheword]

I'm off to equine therapy this morning. I'm waiting in Lismore fir my councellor to take me up there.
My big daughter brought me into town.
We are catching up later, and having lunch with my "Spesh" son. She is really upset on his behalf and I really think this is goung to bring us closer together.

 

[mumstheword]

We ended up having oldest son and 20-year-old son come to meet us and I shouted them lunch too. An expensive but really good-quality food place. My 3 sons and oldest daughter together!!!! :)
It was really nice.
Equine therapy was good too. I just talked to one of the horses, on my own, in the big undercover shedy thing for a while. I just sat down and talked to the big white-speckled guy for a while and I shed a few tears coz I felt pretty churned up.
Then I rubbed him and another guy down for a bit and fed some grass to a pony.
It was relaxing. The equine therapist and my counsellor just left me to it. So I hung out with the horses in my own and it was so relaxing! I needed that.
My daughter texted me when we we're on outlr way back to town. Said she had "some devastating news". Rumour has it that my oldest son's first girlfriend has taken her own life. He doesn't know about it yet. I said I think best not to say anything til we know for sure. He's already struggling, but he did cheer up a bit during the time we spent together.
I'm worried if it's true, what it might do to his already fragile state of mental health.

She was a very troubled girl so I'm thinking it could well be true. Sad, very sad. She would only be about 25 or 26.
She came and stayed with us. It was not long before I left my kid's dad.
It's a pretty hectic story, the way she came to live with us. My son rang me and said "Mum you've gotta come and pick Z up from the police station, she has a fight with her mum and she's got nowhere else to go" and this is how bad my boundaries were at the time. I just said "ok". I was a pretty shattered person, back then. She was a complete handful. I strongly suspect she would have been disgnosable or diagnosed with borderline pd.
I pretty much ended up avoiding her a lot, coz she was very volatile.
Her mother was a nightmare too. I think she might have died. Last time I saw her she said she was riddled with ovarian cancer. They were very disturbing women and they distrusted my guy, so I ended up avoiding both of them.
So I said nothing to my son. I don't want to go off half cocked on a rumour but yeah, it feels weird and strange to have not said anything to him, either.
He has had a bad run with women. I think that is one reason he's miserable. The first one was that one, the second one had schizophrenia and was abusive, the third one was really young, a young aboriginal woman, only 18, they had an ectopic pregnancy of twins, a close call, I saw her today too, for only the first ever time. And the last one threatened suicide, but she's now ok, she's the one who told my daughter about the first one's alleged suicide. I know the threatened suicide wobbled my son out, a lot. What's it going to do to him? Finding out Zeb has actually gone and done it?

 

[Swift]

Oh jeez....
Crossing my fingers and toes that your son's Gf is still alive.
Here with you.