The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

@Freida. I guess things were pretty bad. I think I was very dissociative, a lot of the time.
I guess it's time to put things in perspective.
I remember feeling very humiliated and violated by the stripping at after school care. And it's sad I had no one to comfort me or anything.
I think it was pretty damaging, really. I feel stupid making a thing of it though, it kinda feels like nothing, too, but I remember the experience clearly. The being held down, with all the kid's around, watching and laughing, while this one kid stripped me. I fought hard too, but it wasn't enough. So much shame and humilation.

 

[littleoc]

That’s okay — no worries. I had issues like that with hamsters a lot, but I tried to remember how great they were :)

:hug:

 

[Freida]

y. I feel stupid making a thing of it though, it kinda feels like nothing, too, but I remember the experience clearly. The being held down, with all the kid's around, watching and laughing, while this one kid stripped me. I fought hard too, but it wasn't enough. So much shame and humilation.

This is HORRIBLE. No child should have to experience something like this. And you know you have nothing to be ashamed of right?? You also have no need to feel stupid now because you did nothing to deserve this treatment then and those around you should support your feelings about it ....no matter how long ago it was

 

[mumstheword]

This is HORRIBLE. No child should have to experience something like this. And you know you have nothing to be ashamed of right?? You also have no need to feel stupid now because you did nothing to deserve this treatment then and those around you should support your feelings about it ....no matter how long ago it was

Shame is so engrained in me @Freida. I expect superhuman achievement from myself. My child mind seems to reason that if I were spectacular, or at least untouchable, impervious to hurt and injury, that I wouldn't have to experience these kinds of unforgivable indignities. Seeing as I can't rely on other people to not hurt me or abandon me, then the least I can do is be more superhuman.than human. It's totally irrational. I try telling my little this, but she doesn't accept this vulnerable and powerless state and symptom of being human. She is a magical thinker. She wants miracles and flawless goddess powers and imperviousness. According to her, I'm now failing us. I'm waaaay too human and ordinary. She's pushed me hard to achieve some pretty impressive feats in the past, but now that all that has worn me out, in an all-too-human way, I'm a shame-filled failure and humiliating, pathetic human. I think this is at the root of my social avoidance of the last few years.

 

[Freida]

y, I'm a shame-filled failure and humiliating, pathetic human.

Nope. Nope. Nope. :hug:

I know it doesn't fix it but I'm gonna keep saying it!! :)

 

[NatBird]

@NatBird, I feel the same when I read about the horrible abuses and neglect that your family put you through too. I love the way you keeping showing up for yourself, now, though. You are an incredibly strong and courageous woman and I feel that I love you dearly.

Aw, fanx. Much love, admiration and raspect for you too.

 

[NatBird]

Shame is so engrained in me @Freida. I expect superhuman achievement from myself. My child mind seems to reason that if I were spectacular, or at least untouchable, impervious to hurt and injury, that I wouldn't have to experience these kinds of unforgivable indignities. Seeing as I can't rely on other people to not hurt me or abandon me, then the least I can do is be more superhuman.than human. It's totally irrational. I try telling my little this, but she doesn't accept this vulnerable and powerless state and symptom of being human. She is a magical thinker. She wants miracles and flawless goddess powers and imperviousness. According to her, I'm now failing us. I'm waaaay too human and ordinary. She's pushed me hard to achieve some pretty impressive feats in the past, but now that all that has worn me out, in an all-too-human way, I'm a shame-filled failure and humiliating, pathetic human. I think this is at the root of my social avoidance of the last few years.

I wanted to acknowledge the thinking - it's my fault I am not invulnerable, there's something wrong with me - as unhelpful and limiting as it can be - it had a purpose. I also wondered if this kind of thinking happens or intensifies at particular times?
I know for me the thinking acts as a way to bypass the inevitable powerlessness one has to face in the human experience. There is so much that we cannot control - one of those things is being injured especially as a child. I am personally finding acknowledging the injuries that come as a result of being human (vulnerable) a key aspect of my initiation into becoming human. I am also seeing and reading quite a bit about how individuals and groups mobilise themselves around injury eg. social justice movements - in essence mobilise themselves around their vulnerability. I wonder what the shame thinking thinks about that?
I don't even know if this makes any sense or whether I am coming across and fixing and trying to tell you about your process. I hope not. I just wanted to reach back. Share some thoughts that might be useful. Mostly I wanted to just say I'm here, witnessing you a light filled lover and fighter with the courage of a den of lions, actually quite an exceptional human. Wishing peace for your heart Sistar.

 

[NatBird]

thinking of you. sending a hug if welcome.

 

[mumstheword]

I wanted to acknowledge the thinking - it's my fault I am not invulnerable, there's something wrong with me - as unhelpful and limiting as it can be - it had a purpose. I also wondered if this kind of thinking happens or intensifies at particular times?
I know for me the thinking acts as a way to bypass the inevitable powerlessness one has to face in the human experience. There is so much that we cannot control - one of those things is being injured especially as a child. I am personally finding acknowledging the injuries that come as a result of being human (vulnerable) a key aspect of my initiation into becoming human..

It makes perfect sense.:).
I cried when I read your reply and also after writing my previous reply. It really struck a chord.

I think you are right.

I am working on shifting this core belief and inner critic voice. It's a very depleting voice.
I used to be heavily involved in activism, around various aspects of social justice, as well as environmentalism.
I grew up with burning passions around those kinds of issues and it propelled me into that kind of life and circles.

Now, I just want to live by example, but economic and health issues are somewhat limiting. I guess, parenting is, also taking up a lot of my time and energy. I do what I can though, which isn't much, lately.

I really appreciate your support and wisemind feedback @NatBird :)

Since my dad came up, I've had a flare up of symptoms.I'm not doing that well I and my writing here has suffered.
On the mend though.:)

I'm often having to dig deep, find some energy and positivity from somewhere and be the parent I wish I had had.

Being a parent when I've been struggling with this, is ...what can I say? Unbelievably ...there are no words accurate enough to describe the magnitude of heartbreaking, energy-taking difficulty that this task involves.

But I feel better saying that. Getting it off my chest.
I love My kids but it's hard, so f*cking hard.

 

[littleoc]

:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

So lacklustre.
I did do some right things today, though, other than loving and nurturing my guy and son, I drank a huge glass of lemon in water, on my upon-awakening-empty- stomach.
I did some gym ball pilates and weights.
I'm reading Erich Fromm's Man for Himself, an inquiry into the psychology of ethics. I like Erich Fromm.
There is a part in charge that doesn't have much ooomph.
I am quite angry though.
This is a dispirited part, I think it's Hopeless. I think I was wishful thinking that she's not that anymore.
I'm a renegade.
But this part is just wanting to hide and not make waves.
I'm frightened and judgey of my anger.
I don't know how to handle the hurt of being kicked to the curb by my parents, the father of my kid's and how he recruited them into his kicking-me-to-the-curb, for years.
How does one get over that?

 

[littleoc]

I’m not sure that “get over it” as a phrase will ever fit this situation, @mumstheword. This hurts me to read so there is no way it it won’t hurt. It has to if you are a good mom, which you are. Full of love.

I wish I could help more here. But hopefully you can be validated. :hug: