The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[ILoveLife]

I like Erich Fromm

Me too :) I just released his biography in the wild of the streets a few weeks ago. I hope whoever got it enjoyed it.

You're a strong, resillient, wonderful person mums.
I'm absolutely positive you'll continue to thrive.

 

[mumstheword]

T

:hug::hug::hug:

Thank you wonderful littleoc :-) lots of :hug:'s back to you.

 

[mumstheword]

I’m not sure that “get over it” as a phrase will ever fit this situation, @mumstheword. This hurts me to read so there is no way it it won’t hurt. It has to if you are a good mom, which you are. Full of love.

I wish I could help more here. But hopefully you can be validated. :hug:

You are a wonderfully compassionate and wise young woman. But you already know I think that. Thank you, again littleoc. You comfort and console me a lot. I often feel very inspired and, kind of, in awe of your spirit and kindness. Glad you're alive and that you made it through.:-) Like me, you've had lots of nearly not being here, but here we are.:-) Glad we are both here and able to show kindness, empathy and understanding to and for, each other :-)

 

[mumstheword]

Me too :) I just released his biography in the wild of the streets a few weeks ago. I hope whoever got it enjoyed it.

You're a strong, resillient, wonderful person mums.
I'm absolutely positive you'll continue to thrive.

Thanks for the vote of confidence @Sietz. :-)I think the same of you. I want to offer you and other's more support. I'll get there. Lots of love and gratitude to you Sietz :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

Your oxygen mask first :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Still down. I pushed myself to go into next-town-over for counselling today. My T had expected me to stick with the phone appointment we had arranged, but I thought I need to get out, seeing her face to face is a good call.
So I'm at my fav cafe having cafe. Coffee. It's one of the few places, that's very busy and bustley, that I like.

This feeling of having failed persists.
The heartpain over my family persists.

I will head into hospital for the three week program in close to three weeks.

I know one thing about myself though, I don't give up easily, and I haven't given up, on myself, or my children.

I still find great comfort in my relationship with my beautiful best friend and lover and for this; eternal gratitude.

My youngest is doing ok.
We need to get out and do more, but we are ok.
I hide and avoid and I don't feel good about that but I guess the pride and humiliation and shame are just too much.
Things would be very different if I hadn't had to contend with those recent losses, on top of everything else, my miscarried babies, my good friend who killed himself this year, our dog. The stressful neighbors. But I did and this is the result. I console myself with the fact that I've made plenty of efforts towards health, wellbeing, family connection, and I havent sold myself out in any major way.
I'm deeply sad.
I'm deflated.
I'm not able to muster the energy to be shallow, pretend joy or exhibit bravado.
I refuse to.
I don't see the point.
I crave depth, raw honesty, genuine kindness, authentic connection, I can't be bothered with anything less.
I think I've read too many good books, my expectations exceed what most people are capable of.
I'll either be a rehab/recovery peer support type or a writer when my kids no longer need me and I get my shit together.
I'm going to go back to a writing/music degree as well as do some shamanic training in "Sound as Medicine" and learn from a shaman who's learnt soul retreival in Peru.
That's my plan for next year.
And body love, in the form of lots of gym and physical training and low carb eating.
I have a plan. I always make plans to cheer myself up. I lurch from plan to plan like a primate grabbing vine over branch to travel through the treetops.
There's a moment of freefalling until I grab the next one and upswing my way across my own forest. I'm a forest dweller, foreign to city ways. I'm a stranger in my own family. I'm an alien, primitive in the ways of popular culture. I'm a soul from another age, stuck in this technological jungle. The concrete one, like Bob says. I don't even fit comfortably in my own skin, let alone the culture at large.

 

[Freida]

I console myself with the fact that I've made plenty of efforts towards health, wellbeing, family connection, and I havent sold myself out in any major way.

yes! this! ^^^^ Is HUGE!!!! even with all the stress and bad things happening you have stayed true to your course -- to find wellness. You didn't get derailed. You used your coping skills and got thru it AND managed to make inroads into relationships with your guy and your kids. Kudos are to be given!!!! :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

yes! this! ^^^^ Is HUGE!!!! even with all the stress and bad things happening you have stayed true to your course -- to find wellness. You didn't get derailed. You used your coping skills and got thru it AND managed to make inroads into relationships with your guy and your kids. Kudos are to be given!!!! :hug:

Hey yeah! :-) I did! :-)
This year I made a commitment to myself to focus on healing and recovery and I've stuck by that. I've not gotten too drawn in to other's dramas. I've not degenerated into excessive self loathing and condemnation. In fact I made another healthy commitment to myself recently. To Always Be Here For Myself now. To forgive myself and be self compassionate and self considerate. To no longer forget or abandon myself for anybody else.

Today, especially after reading the Pete Walker article linked in @somerandomguy 's diary, I feel sooooo much better.:-) I can really feel how this process is working.

Yesterday I had a great "sandplay" session with my T and I went and watched Bohemian Rhapsody after. I use going to the movies to have a socially sanctioned place to shed a few tears and I did. I really enjoyed the movie and I reminisced about how much of an impact Queen, and particularly Freddy Mercury had on me in the 80's. It was a very dark and painful decade for me and I remember that Freddy's presence and singing and the songs, especially "We are the champions" were a bright spark in a dark era. It was healing.:-) I had a good day.
Yay for the brave, colourful, creative and positive misfits and weirdo's (of which I count myself as one of them).
Like Micheal Frenti sings "All the freaky people make the beauty of the world".

 

[mumstheword]

May truth set us free.

May we be brave enough, inquiring enough, humble enough and bright enough to be open to finding out what is true and what is not true.

May we see through lies, even if it hurts.

May we learn to be manipulation-proof.

May we thwart manipulative powermongers who seek their own advantage, at the expense of the rest of us.

May we assess new information with the eyes of maturity, wisdom, and childlike openness and build solid frameworks for a brighter, healthier, kinder and safer future for the earth and her citizens.

May we discern those who speak from honesty and heroism, from those who seek to distort, subvert and usurp freedoms and civil rights of the people of earth.

 

[Swift]

Whoa.
Catching up.
I am so, so sorry about everything that happened to you.
My life has been a lot different to yours in some ways, but very similar in some.
I had a similar incident at my second school when I was around 7. f*ck. Kids are so cruel, right? Who teaches them this shit?

You are a miracle. You are amazing.
And now - you are loved and cared about and supported.

No child can be blamed for not being bulletproof.

 

[mumstheword]

Whoa.
Catching up.
I am so, so sorry about everything that happened to you.
My life has been a lot different to yours in some ways, but very similar in some.
I had a similar incident at my second school when I was around 7. f*ck. Kids are so cruel, right? Who teaches them this shit?

You are a miracle. You are amazing.
And now - you are loved and cared about and supported.

No child can be blamed for not being bulletproof.

Get that? Little me?

You are right @Swift :-) We did the best we could, with the hand we were dealt and we played a pretty decent game, considering.

I think little me is getting it. Like my beautiful wise friend @NatBird alluded to, coming to terms with where we were powerless and injured is a necessary initiation into our essential humanness.
I'm starting to be ok with me, all the bits, the super messy bits, the socially avoidant bits, the sense of my self as strange and alien and always-on-the-edge-of-things, my untapped potential, my depth that seems to have been cultivated by trauma and hardship.

Thank you @Swift! I think you are very amazing too !

I guess that saying rings true "it takes one to know one" ; also applicable in the sense that we have met evil up close and lived to learn from it. I don't doubt danger like sheltered people seem to, but then, I think I recognise kindness and courage and honesty and integrity when I encounter it, too.
I think I can sense cowardice when I am exposed to it and it is more dangerous that many people suspect.
Cowardise is not really self protection, it is operating from a false sense of identity and erronous core beliefs and failing to recognise that being responsible and truthful is of more value than ill-gained power or avoidance, and ultimately, "Saves Our Souls" .
You are the opposite of a coward @Swift. You are a person of deep integrity and compassion.
So glad to know you exist.:-) ;hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I'm really starting to suspect that I might be on the Aspergers Spectrum. It's kinda hard to tell though, what with the trauma and upheaval from the womb on.
What part might be trauma-related and chaotic childhood- related social difficulties?
What part just natural introversion and just being a high IQ intellectual?
Or is the high IQ and introversion part of the ASD?
Female Aspies are much harder to pick because we are often so much more focused on social interaction and tend to study and mimic social behaviours more affectively than male Aspies.
Maybe being smart and a female meant that my Aspergers isn't really very easily detectable?
Come to think of it, pretty much all the lady friends I have are either already diagnosed with ASD or I strongly suspect that they could be (my guy agrees with me).
I think I need to ring one and talk to her about this.