The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

I feel quite peaceful to think that I'm an Aspie.
I mean, I don't really understand being social, just for the sake of being social. I am pretty task oriented, in general, when it comes to being around people. All except my guy, who I am relaxed with and who I can totally be myself with, for the most part. With the exception of the next door neighbors, last night, either the daughter or the mother knocked on the door after 10.00 and I said "There's a late-night knocker at the door." He took offence a bit, at me saying that, which I didn't like.
I really, really don't like surprise visits, especially at bedtime.
I handled it by going and sitting on the outside step until the danger of an argument had passed.

It's pretty good now, we rarely get those interruptions and invasions of privacy anymore. It seems it finally got through, that the constant demands were untenable for me.

If I'm on the spectrum, it even more adds explanation to why - I. Cannot. Handle. The. Invasion. of my privacy.

I'm not unkind, I just don't enjoy unstructured relating or "uncontrollable" socializing.
Is this based on my cptsd tendancies and wounding? Or being Aspie? Most likely, both.

I was a total bookworm nerd, in school. It was the ONLY way I could cope. Avoid people. Hide behind a book. Then it was alcohol and drugs. Then playing music and parenting. Now, I just don't even try, I'm gonna surrender to being my Aspie, weirdy, focused self. It's time to accept me and stop feeling like I'm socially and neurally broken and, instead, realize that I'm just socially and neurally Atypical.

For a start, not many people have IQ's in the mid one hundred and forties and I don't think that's why I struggle to relate and be interested in shallow and superficial relating, I think it's the Aspieness.
I don't crave the connection. I'm not that frightened of it, I just don't enjoy it. I need constant mental stimulation along lines of interest, to keep me engaged.

I'm lucky my guy matches me perfectly. I'm pretty sure he's on the spectrum, as well.

 

[mumstheword]

So, I just read and answered this checklist Females with Aspergers Syndrome Checklist by Samantha Craft

And I answered yes to nearly every question.
Yesterday and today, with the realization of my Aspieness (yesterday I watched a bunch of youtube vids on Female ASD) both last night and just now, I started crying, with relief, I think, and recognition.

There is no doubt in my mind, if this is what Aspergers looks and feels like in females, then, I am it.
What do I do now? I feel I want official vindication/diagnosis.

Tears are wet on my face. I feel like I am recognizing a core part of who I am, at last. I want recognition. I want confirmation.
I feel very teary and emotional about this. This explains SO MUCH about me and my struggles!!!!
Crying now.

 

[ILoveLife]

Can you talk to your T about it?

I think it does make sense too, and I'm glad you feel relief over it :)
:hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

Ok mums, I went through the list too. And holy cow, I also check nearly all she says. I don't think I am though? Maybe I am?
I don't really care, but then searched a bit for aspie misdiagnoses and bipolar and schizophrenia are in there.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm gonna talk to my T and when I get up to hospital, I'll be able to talk to my pdoc as well. Hopefully she can can point me in the right diagnostic direction.

I think I may have briefly run it by her last time and she kind of brushed it off with a "Does it matter?" But my answer, is, that, for me, YES, it does matter.
I need help learning social comfort. I need to, more deeply, understand myself and learn to accept who I am.
I need peers, so I can open up my world and develop friendships and relationships and have more choices and options.
I need to understand me and my social challenges so I can support my children and other family members better.
I need understanding professionals, because I've spent way too much of my life struggling alone and without understanding and feeling like a clumsy, awkward social retard and avoider.
I need to boost my confidence and find ways to share my strengths. Get employment. Shine my light and let the world know who I am. I need to get support and support myself so that I can, more effectively, support others.

 

[mumstheword]

Nine.
Nine is the first actual penis penetration that I remember.
He was abusive too.
I was scared that he made me pregnant. I tried to wipe out my vagina (I was only 9)
Of course I never told anyone.
Nine is moving to Tassie. We lived next to an alcoholic guy, in a unit, who was also a single father (the mother was a psychotic schizophrenic woman). The baby got neglected.She was very skinny and underdressed, a lot.
Nine is my Dad marrying a (most probably borderline) woman (who hated me) who threatened to kill herself if my dad didn't marry her.
Nine is my mum yelling at them, threatening them with court if they tried to gain custody of me (I knew they didn't want me, but didn't understand why my mum had to make such a scene for no reason and be so embarrassing and hostile).
Nine is my mum and Stepdad (they weren't married yet through) breaking up, and mum getting with a coke head guy who stunk up the cabin with rotten flesh smell, when he blew his nose (coke addiction can rot out your nose).

We lived in a commune run by a messianic rich dude who named himself "Krishna" and his wife "Radha". I had to change my name, we all had different names. My mum fought with my stepdad alot. They broke up.

Nine is my mum being pregnant with my brother (the only brother I have, who is also an opiate addict). She was super grumpy, all the time.

I chopped the wood because she had no one else (one of the few times she was single for a while).
My stepdad had an affair and then went to rehab.
Lot's of my guinea pigs died, mum wouldn't let me bring them inside and it was too cold and winter.
I watched my brother being born.
I got drunk on Masala.
I played "doctors and nurses" with another girl. I think I was a bit molesty and liked
to touch other girls "inappropriately".
I had a painful bicycle accident, riding too fast down a hill and flying off and grazing my thigh. I still have the scar.
Nine is my mum marrying my stepdad.

 

[somerandomguy]

:hug:

 

[Juso]

Oh mums, I am so very sorry for all this abuse. Everytime I read through your diary I learn more about what has happened to you, and it just gets worse and worse. Its an absolute miracle how you came out of that hell being the caring and wonderful person you are.
About the Aspie-thing: I am very happy for you that you can recognize yourself in this! I have read through the list as well and could also relate to every single bit, although I do not consider myself an Aspie. I think there is a lot of overlap with CPTSD and sensory processing sensitivity. Sensory processing sensitivity comes with withdrawal often, and with high intelligence, especially emotional intelligence. Have you googled it before? It made lots of sense for me to read about it. ?
Love you, mums, please feel hugged ?

 

[mumstheword]

Oh mums, I am so very sorry for all this abuse. Everytime I read through your diary I learn more about what has happened to you, and it just gets worse and worse. Its an absolute miracle how you came out of that hell being the caring and wonderful person you are.
About the Aspie-thing: I am very happy for you that you can recognize yourself in this! I have read through the list as well and could also relate to every single bit, although I do not consider myself an Aspie. I think there is a lot of overlap with CPTSD and sensory processing sensitivity. Sensory processing sensitivity comes with withdrawal often, and with high intelligence, especially emotional intelligence. Have you googled it before? It made lots of sense for me to read about it. ?
Love you, mums, please feel hugged ?

Thank you kind Juso. :):hug::hug: (sad smiley face)
Thank you, also for the info about sensory processing sensitivity. :)I looked into the sensory processing sensitivity definition, and yes, it is a part of what I am, and what I deal with. I think, for me, though, it's part of my being on the Autism spectrum. I wouldn't really have come to this conclusion without putting the pieces together around my dad and son, are are so clearly Autistic, it's not funny. My son isn't high functioning, having an IQ of about 70 and needing a high degree of daily living support, and my dad is really quite low functioning, socially, but highly academic in his chosen area of intense interest.
As my mother constantly told me, I am soooo like my father, but I present much more invisibly, which is typical for Aspie females.
The reason I am so late coming to this realisation, is because the cptsd symptoms and the sensitivity stuff are so overlapping, but there is no doubt, whatsoever, in my mind, now, that I am a Aspien woman. The question remains, what now?

I do long for more comfortable social outlets and a sense of belonging, even in my own family, something that has alluded me, thus far.

I can do some task oriented socializing, but really, all of it is highly uncomfortable and none of it comes naturally for me and it is very tiring.

I think that I am a kind and sensitive and considerate woman, I just can't translate that into comfortable relationship-having, in general.

I can't seek work. I can't study, easily, all because the social side is so taxing and awkward, not scary, necessarily, as in ptsd hypervig scary, just completely clunky, clumsy, excruciatingly self conscious, sensorily overwhelming and uncomfortable, Aspie-style.

Thank you for your caring response.:) @Juso. :hug: I deeply appreciate it. I am all churned up today, coming to full realization of this Autism stuff and wondering how I will be received and if I will be listened to and taken seriously by professionals here. I do need the help though, so it's worth pursuing. The co-morbidity, of ptsd + developmental trauma and neglect and ASD, present quite a significant challenge in moving forward in society, and being recognized for what I'm dealing with, especially, being female on the spectrum and living in a low population country, in a rural area, and not being a car-driving person, yet, who has a very large load, when it comes to family responsibilities.
Challenges indeed. But doable, surmountable ones, I believe.:)

 

[Freida]

The co-morbidity, of ptsd + developmental trauma and neglect and ASD, present quite a significant challenge in moving forward in society, and being recognized for what I'm dealing with, especially, being female on the spectrum and living in a low population country, in a rural area, and not being a car-driving person, yet, who has a very large load, when it comes to family responsibilities.

And yet. Look at the person you are underneath all of that! Kind, loving, caring, supportive, and all the other good words I can think of.... Now that you have a definition (or 14 :) ) you can get more effective coping skills which will help you be even better. But the real you was there all along

 

[mumstheword]

Aa

And yet. Look at the person you are underneath all of that! Kind, loving, caring, supportive, and all the other good words I can think of.... Now that you have a definition (or 14 :) ) you can get more effective coping skills which will help you be even better. But the real you was there all along

Aaawwwww thanks @Freida. Very kind of you. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Nah, can't afford the diagnosis process. Price ranges from $950 - $1950, so that's out of the question.
Never mind.
There is waaaay too much other interesting stuff to do.