The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

 

[mumstheword]

I just watched this. This historical FACT narrative, elucidates why I say some some of the things I say.
It's not baseless!
I've been studying along these lines for years.
Let's know about history and economics and understand why political events are as they are today.

 

[mumstheword]

Let's look at some REAL white privilege, shall we? And guess what? One of them is a WOMAN, thus scientifically PROVING that privilege is actually conferred through CLASS and NOT via gender.
If you went to Africa, you would find that the privileged of the nations were, primarily BLACK Africans, in China, it's Asian Han people, thus proving that the predominate racial group, in a country, hold the privilege via CLASSISM and usually majority, and NOT via the attributes of WHITE plus male, in this day and age.

Being Male and White DOES NOT automatically confer privilege. It's a LOT more COMPLEX than that.

 

[mumstheword]

So now that I got THAT out of my system, sorry for all that, but the ridiculously oversimplifying was REALLY starting to piss me off.

Here is a topic that puts me in a much better mood. :-) I couldn't have expressed better, how I LOVE being autistic me! How REFRESHING it is to THINK and STUDY and use LOGIC and CREATIVITY and PASSION, that doesn't try to deceive, manipulate, get blindsighted by the need to fit in, be popular, agree with popular opinion or reason from an emotional and ill informed position.

I LOVE being autistic me! I DON'T love being unpopular but I'm used to it, and I would rather use my brain, be the nerdy brainiac who has barely any friends and who is endlessly creative, well researched, honest and never a bully or expoitative.
Here is a gorgeous Auti inspirational lady and an informative lecture.

 

[Freida]

I'm so excited for you --- talk about a new chapter in your life!

 

[mumstheword]

Thanks @Freida!!! :-)

 

[mumstheword]

Ok, just one more nasty political truth youtube vid to furnish my argument.

 

[mumstheword]

I was so angry yesterday and prior to that, due to reasons that I have addressed above.

Today I feel light and bouyant, accepting and exuberant.

So grateful to be in my position! In love, safe, housed, moving closer to the children I was ruthlessly segregated from, after an extended and very painful separation.

I have experienced evil, and deep torment, I have looked into the hungry, empty, bottomless pit eyes of a sociopath, who entrapped me for years, a narcissist, one I was groomed to serve and submit to, by my own "something-is-very-missing" mother.

It left me soooooo cold, cold and shaking and nearly giving up the ghost, cold in the middle of my body, where it should never be cold.

It was a slow freeze, a boiling frog situation that finally broke, when I knew I had to leave or void my body and leave my children, permanently. I was 37.

It's the stain on the soul that lingers, when you've been raised and groomed and married to a narcissist. When the people who SHOULD care, clearly don't.

They want to predate on you, instead. Pick your bones clean. Suck your vital essence dry and leave you with nothing. Slowly, sipping on you for years, driving you steadily insane. Like a vampire who leaves you in a dungeon tower; ebbing slowly, withering, while they keep you barely alive, to keep their food source "fresh".

So, the regeneration, the soul retrieval, is long winded and gradual. I am people shy, now. Easy to startle, slow to settle.

Don't make me feel guilty for being me. Don't censor me, nor oppress me with your manipulations. I am enjoying hard fought freedoms. I won't relinquish them without a fight and even then, I won't go back to slavery and being predated on. I won't go back to mind control or anything remotely cultish.

 

[Freida]

:hug:

 

[mumstheword]

So, I have a core belief about being "unacceptable" "completely rejectable" (other than my guy, who continues to love me, who woulda thought it possible? Not me, that's for sure.)

I'm convinced that I'm unlikable, but not because I'm mean, or horrible, or cold hearted but because I'm different, odd, queer (but not in a gay or gender ambiguous way), weird, strange, challenging (not purposefully, but just coz, autistic traits etc), socially ungainly, judgable, slighty "wild" and unpredictable which, I surmise, makes me quite unnerving. This comes from quite a lot of life experience.
Most people are fine when they can objectify me (RL experience, mainly, rather than online) but when they get a glimpse of who I actually am, I become someone to be put down, and given a wide birth to. This is a source of dismay, confusion, hurt and the whittling away of hope.

 

[Freida]

because I'm different, odd, queer (but not in a gay or gender ambiguous way), weird, strange, challenging (not purposefully, but just coz, autistic traits etc), socially ungainly, judgable, slighty "wild" and unpredictable which, I surmise, makes me quite unnerving.

you need to hang out with better people because these are the things that make you interesting. Just sayin. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

We took 20-year-old son to the dentist yesterday. Very positive experience.

Today, I already slept too much. Have the very-judgey-on-myself's going on.

Feeling sad. Frustrated..Lonely. But also vindicated, calm, relieved, and pretty accepting of myself.

Oldest daughter sent me a text that included the sentence "I love you so much" the other night. I'm wrapping that fact around ny heart.

I've been horribly inactive lately, but it won't last. I'm a very dynamic person. I always pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again, when my health fails me, or my mind and my life fall apart.