The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Still super fazed.
Oldest dawty is staying again tonight.
What a beautiful relationship we have now!
Luckily we have our spare room back, now that the boys are gone. I feel a little bit bad that we had to get them to move back to Dad's, but considering they asked for "a couple of days" and got, what, a week, over a week? S'ok.
We couldn't have sustained much more without some kind of Aaaaaarrrrggghhhh moment, which might have hurt their feelings. God forbid. They are both the sweetest, Aspie gay boys imaginable. I do adore them.

 

[mumstheword]

Not great.
24 yr old spacked out at me badly on the phone.
"Eff you" and hung up on me.
A stupid hyperbolic tanked-up-by-dad (that's what oldest dawty suspected and it makes sense) carry on, plus genuine, extreme distress, unmet needs, crisis, pain and suffering that he's going through, plus concern for his unwell psychotic brother, (that I heard, might be going to the clinic, admitted by the dad, tonight).

I texted him, after. Some long winded reminder to breath and clunkily trying to help him learn to self soothe text, but, ya know what?
I feel extremely trigggered and it hurts, no biggy, though.
I've just got him back, and the tantrum plus I can't be up there with him, plus his genuine extreme suffering plus I'm triggered about him discarding me again.

Man that hurt!!!!! Being discarded by your own teenage children, which is really just the narcissistic father manipulating vulnerable hurting children to vicariously discard the mother, because, I left him and he couldn't have that.
No one is allowed to be the one to leave the narcissistically inclined.
So I lost my children. For years. And it hurt. Very much. Very, very much.

So 24yr old, newly, freshly rebonding with me, lashing out and cussing at me and hanging up on me, when I want, more than anything, to be up there, in hospital, comforting him?
Biiiigggg triggerfest of hurt, of being abandoned by so.many. People. And the moral injury of having to leave my children with their narcy dad, instead of die and/or completely lose my mind and my self.


My father, my mother, my grandparents, my uncles, my ex (it was a relationship of extreme emotional abandonment and loneliness and exploitation and power-over and spite) and most of my children. Have all abandoned me, at very painful and needful times, in my life.

Yes, they are, mostly, back (the children), so it's just residual grief, fear and pain.

I am here with my loving, loyal youngest son and my loving, loyal man, right now, though.
I'm ok. This isn't real, it's just an echo of old pain.
My 24 yr old is, possibly, at one of the lowest ebbs of his entire life and I'm his mum and the narcissistic, manipulation is old and outgrown crap. It's not like it was. He's just hurting too much, right now, and it's spilling out on me.
I'm ok.

 

[mumstheword]

Apparently, I have a self loathing part still.
Who knew?
It wants me buried.
It relates to "hopeless" but it's different too.
Vindictive.
It doesn't believe I am sufficient.
I shouldn't BE.
Nothing I ever do will be good enough.
Is this just a mood? A dark mood? Or something deeper.
There is a lot of grief here.
Abandonment
Rejection
Shunning
Depression
I'm just being hyperbolic
I am a ridiculous fool who shouldn't expect love, from anyone.
If I didn't find any love, I wouldn't have made it
I'm only here by the grace of love.
That's it.
So love is.
So it's ok
We're ok.
We ARE loved and we love and that's enough.

I DO have the courage to carry on.
My daughter just got here.
We are good.
It was just a triggered thing from stressful parenting and a depressing childhood and abuse and trauma
I've survived all of it and this is really nothing.
I'm just sad that my boys are hurting, and their dad? I feel only the empty death of feelings and sooooo much sadness, fear and futility and hurt.
oh well, I have failed relationship and ambivalent attachment issues.
it's to be expected, from the mother and the damage from my beginnings.
cptsd. Bluuuuugh. Stupid, stupid cptsd.
You are too sad and tragic and fearful and pathetic and I hate you.
There it is, the self loathing part.
I am grateful that I'm not in constant pain anymore though.
it's ok.
Goodnight.
I will try to sleep. I need to.

 

[Freida]

so -- I'm giving you kudos because yes, that was awful and it triggered you. But look at how you worked thru it! You accepted the bad, sat with it, then worked it around to see that it was a temporary ptsd reaction and that it didn't define you. That is awesome!!!!

 

[mumstheword]

so -- I'm giving you kudos because yes, that was awful and it triggered you. But look at how you worked thru it! You accepted the bad, sat with it, then worked it around to see that it was a temporary ptsd reaction and that it didn't define you. That is awesome!!!!

Thank you loads @Freida. It helped. Sleep helped and in the morning, my boy texted and apologised and told me I'm right and that he loves me.
Spent yesterday focused on him and looking after him, other than I went for my first appointment to my new T. I love her!

My big (who is actually shorter than me and I'm short) daughter took me up to Southport to see my injured son. He had just got out of surgery. I took food that I spent all morning preparing. It was good. He ate some of the soup I made.

They arent getting on that well. All the strain is getting to them and my daughter has disentangled from the dad stuff, a lot, and it's creating a rift between them.

We have all made the dad a "he who shall not be mentioned topic" pretty much. It's just too hard and painful for all of us.

My daughter is very hurt and burnt out though, as is my son.

He is moving in with a friend. A new friend. I met him at the hospital. I liked him a lot.My daughter likes him too.

So he is leaving his dad's. My daughter already left last year, with our help and is now so hurt, and burnt out, she doesn't want to have contact with her dad or the family still living there, at the moment.

She is sleeping at our place again, after driving me up and back to the Gold coast.

I developed a bad headache on.the way home, my voice is nearly gone, and I threw up when I got home. The strain, is obviously, getting to me.
Woke up, still, with the headache, but my guy gave me a neck rub and it's abated, a lot.
I'm feeling pretty trashed, though.

I'm seeing my new T early in the new year. She is so, so lovely! Really warm, experienced, competent, kind and cute as.

I am looking forward to working with her! :):):):)

My oldest son rang me last night. He thought he might die, in the night. I'm glad he rang me. I will try to see him today.

We are going to pick up my youngest daughter (injured-sprained ankle) and her bf (injured -punctured lung and broken rib from assault).

My oldest daughter asked my ex to talk to me, to keep me in the loop, with our children's medical issues and support needs. She is quitting being his go-to girl and go-between. I don't think he will do it, even though he told her he would.

He hasn't yet, even though he took our oldest to a psychiatrist yesterday, and our son might need to be admitted to a psych clinic, any day, now.

He (my psychotic oldest) rang me though, and that could be exs way of involving me. He might have told my unwell son to call me.

I am not feeling real well but I need to get down and see my son and, I need to feed my injured youngest daughter and her boy, today.

I did some important processing about my ex and all that, my family, my children, on the way up to the hospital. I had sunnies on, which was good, so I could leak tears, and not disturb my girl.

I did tell her, later, though, as it seemed appropriate. She was feeling awful, after seeing my son, and is struggling with brain function issues and gut issues. She is just so burnt out. I'm glad she is drawing on us and allowing us to support her, now.

Same with my hospitalized son. And now, my oldest son is reaching out. I'm very happy about that. I was asleep and not feeling well when.He rang, but I woke up while my guy was talking to him. My voice was nearly gone but I got to talk to him!!!! :):):):):)
I am optimistic.:)

 

[mumstheword]

My injured son just turned up. With his new friend. I'm starting to get prickly warning signals about this guy. Damn. I'm so people hypervig, like majorly.
I don't know if it's a real thing, or a skewed ptsd thing.
I'm thinking, maybe, he's a charming psychopath or narcissist? So yeah, I got that going on.
Son has gone down with friend to Dad's, but left his stuff here, so it seems, maybe, he's staying here? Not sure.
Daughter is still around, but has gone down to the pub for a catch up with a friend.
They, both being here, at the same time, could be awkward, but, I dealt with sibling squabbles for 20 years+ so, no biggie.

I hate my people hypervig stuff, it feels yuck. I hope he's not a bad guy, I want to trust people more, I'm VERY mistrustful and terrified of people, in general, if I'm being, completely honest.

I liked him, straight up, but, I don't trust my sense of people, enough, due to being used to too many dodgy and criminal people.
I'm glad I'm with someone I trust, now, and we can assess this guy together. And if it's a dangerous, predatory relationship, I have an amazing guy, a tough, courageous, awesome guy, who, I'm sure is equipped to see off some baddie, if he, even, is one.

 

[Sideways]

I liked him, straight up, but, I don't trust my sense of people,

Liking people, giving them the benefit of the doubt and giving them a chance is an beautiful quality to have. Yes, a lot of people aren't worthy of it, but to be ready to accept people quickly, rather than write them off? Says lots of good things about who you are inside.

You've had a lot going on. Like, reality show worthy dramas dropping around you so often that it's hard to imagine how exhausted you are.

One thing I think to maybe think about? Deciding you're going to like someone, rather than be suspicious of them when you first meet them, and setting healthy boundaries? Can work together. You can love injured son, and still be perfectly able to set boundaries around use of your home.

Last son and his partner? Over-stayed their invitation. Your son being injured and requiring home care for a while? Doesn't mean that his friends are welcome to come and make your home their new hangout. You and hubby live there - it's actually really healthy to require guests to give you space in your own home. Which sometimes means politely letting people know that it's time for them to shuffle off.

Setting healthy boundaries with your kids isn't about compromising how much you love them. Actually it's likely to be their first real chance to learn about healthy boundaries (because their dad certainly didn't teach them that), and to look after yourself. You can't look after a brood that size if you aren't looking after yourself.

Tbh? Whichever 'friends' were around when this incredibly violent altercation took place? Have a red flag on them by default. It's entirely possible that it was a random attack. It's also entirely possible that the police weren't called asap for..."complex" reasons; or that things weren't as black and white as the version you've been given (rarely is).

Some of your kids have grown up in very difficult circumstances. I'm not suggesting love them less (not possible), just, have solid, safe, healthy boundaries. You have several kids, many will have grown up without learning healthy boundaries. Loving your kids doesn't mean you have to drop all your boundaries, be the full time nurse/cook/taxi driver/therapist/laundry service/housing service for every child and their partner and their friends.

Keep space to take care of yourself, so you can take care of all of them. And if someone's friend is tripping your red flags? Set some healthy boundaries about friends hanging around your house.

Sometimes I worry a lot that you really over-stretch yourself, on the basis that "I'm their mum and I love them, so I must...". With all the drama attached to having so many children? At some point that's gonna give. You need the space and time each day to do those things that keep you stable, like your yoga. Compromising just a little, sometimes, on what you're willing to do/put up with, and not? Doesn't mean you love your kids any less, and is oftentimes modelling healthy relationship behaviours for them.

Take good care of you. I can't fathom your current stress levels. I'm really glad you like your new T:hug:

 

[Freida]

You need the space and time each day to do those things that keep you stable, like your yoga.

This ^^ is so important both for you and for them. If they see you taking time to care of yourself then it will be ok for them to do it also.

 

[mumstheword]

Uuuuughhhh!!!!
Thank you guys!!!! @Sideways & @Freida!

I'm feeling more and more run down.

Came down with a toothache last night, I have a killer crater in a back molar and took some pills to sleep, sssssoooooo sick in the guts, this morning, as well as the tooth.

I did a bit of "legs up the wall" yoga yesterday, it was hella relaxin, but couldn't find my mat. So long since I used it now, bunch of stuff on top of it....ggggrrrrr

Then I had used up all my time, looking for it and has to make dinner for all the injured and us.

Luckily, the broken ribs boy and my hoppy sprained dawty are ok, sleeping back at Dad's, where they are, basically, living granny flat style, out in a converted garage room, with lots of aquariums and fishys, but they are starving without me feeding them. I sent them home with left overs to tide them through today, but will probably have them back up for dinner, tomorrow. Oh wait, they have a work christmas party, I think it's tomorrow???

Broken jaw son is now sleeping in the upstair room.
He's a vegan, which is the most annoying part of feeding him. And he already complained, that the soup I "freestyled" he didn't like. So he's a fussy vegan....groan....

I am getting run down and I do need to self care. Trouble is, I'm so chronically exhausted, self care time is do nothing, lay around feeling shit time, at the moment.

Actual down time, feels like a thing of the past and I'm not loving it.

I do love that I get to nurture my children, though, I just hope my body is up to it, without it falling apart even more... It's a little touch and go, at the best of times.


Youngest sonny's last day of the year, for school. He's going straight to friend's, for a sleep over til the weekend, I think.

Oldest dawty offered to help me, the Chrissy preps. So yay!!! :):):):):)
There's that.

So yeah, self care looks like a intangible dream ATM, but I'll try. I'm just feeling like I'm back to looking after too many people and it's, no way, sustainable, coz I'm in the state I'm in and it's a bit fragile.

I saw oldest son, last night, when we went to pick up broken rib boy and my hoppy dawt.
He looked better than I thought he would. He's on some new meds, I think they might be working. It was good. I gave him a really useful, youtube link, we'd just found, and if he listens to it, I know it will help.
His dad talked to me, told me about the pdoc appointment they are waiting on. He said a bit of dumb-and-not-good -for-my-son's health stuff, but I over road it with soothing, empowering stuff, and truthful, positive stuff.


I want him up here for dinner soon. He hugged me and told me he loves me "so much" . I love him so much.

His dad is a douche, but J is my beautiful first born, and I'm relieved, he's a bit better, already.

At least the dad is dealing with this psychotic break better than he did, with me, and my second born. With me, he would just have sex with me, when I was totally psychotically "gone" and when I begged him to "put me in the clinic" , he wouldn't. I had to stay "on the job" of being mum, when I was that ill, not good.

With my second born, he just dumped him on me and then demonized me, to my kid's, when I had to take him to the clinic.

So, this is a step up. A big step up.

 

[mumstheword]

Liking people, giving them the benefit of the doubt and giving them a chance is an beautiful quality to have. Yes, a lot of people aren't worthy of it, but to be ready to accept people quickly, rather than write them off? Says lots of good things about who you are inside.

You've had a lot going on. Like, reality show worthy dramas dropping around you so often that it's hard to imagine how exhausted you are.

One thing I think to maybe think about? Deciding you're going to like someone, rather than be suspicious of them when you first meet them, and setting healthy boundaries? Can work together. You can love injured son, and still be perfectly able to set boundaries around use of your home.

Last son and his partner? Over-stayed their invitation. Your son being injured and requiring home care for a while? Doesn't mean that his friends are welcome to come and make your home their new hangout. You and hubby live there - it's actually really healthy to require guests to give you space in your own home. Which sometimes means politely letting people know that it's time for them to shuffle off.

Setting healthy boundaries with your kids isn't about compromising how much you love them. Actually it's likely to be their first real chance to learn about healthy boundaries (because their dad certainly didn't teach them that), and to look after yourself. You can't look after a brood that size if you aren't looking after yourself.

Tbh? Whichever 'friends' were around when this incredibly violent altercation took place? Have a red flag on them by default. It's entirely possible that it was a random attack. It's also entirely possible that the police weren't called asap for..."complex" reasons; or that things weren't as black and white as the version you've been given (rarely is).

Some of your kids have grown up in very difficult circumstances. I'm not suggesting love them less (not possible), just, have solid, safe, healthy boundaries. You have several kids, many will have grown up without learning healthy boundaries. Loving your kids doesn't mean you have to drop all your boundaries, be the full time nurse/cook/taxi driver/therapist/laundry service/housing service for every child and their partner and their friends.

Keep space to take care of yourself, so you can take care of all of them. And if someone's friend is tripping your red flags? Set some healthy boundaries about friends hanging around your house.

Sometimes I worry a lot that you really over-stretch yourself, on the basis that "I'm their mum and I love them, so I must...". With all the drama attached to having so many children? At some point that's gonna give. You need the space and time each day to do those things that keep you stable, like your yoga. Compromising just a little, sometimes, on what you're willing to do/put up with, and not? Doesn't mean you love your kids any less, and is oftentimes modelling healthy relationship behaviours for them.

Take good care of you. I can't fathom your current stress levels. I'm really glad you like your new T:hug:

I think it will be cool, with the new friend.

I realized that, he's just a bit "too nice" and my paranoid ptsdy brain, thinks that's suspect. He came up to the hospital, which is a couple hour, or so drive and stayed in his car, overnight, to drive sonny home, the next morning, when he was allowed out. And this is someone he's only just met, so, I was just, like, who does that? It seems too good to be true for my damaged psyche. I know that might be messed up though? Because he does seem genuinely, like a good guy, but it's too early to tell, yet.

He's not the type to lob on us though. He has his own place, and a Rottweiler puppy and he seems ultra sensitive and empathetic, I'm just socially, super paranoid, is all, me thinks.

He also seems really mature and cluey, for a young guy, and he must be a bit older than.my boy. But my boy really likes him.

He wasn't there, at the bash up in Byron. That was other guys, who are, actually, quite, a bit, more, suss.

One of them, was the reason those thug's attention was caught, because he has hectic face tatts and blue hair.

It was ok, until the girls of the group started harrassing our girls, that's when my son stepped in, in defence of his little sister, and that's when shit went down, and got really real, and life threatening.

Yeah, the other guys didn't want the police involved, everyone had had some md, and I know blue hair guy is a coke dealer and addict and he probably gave it to them and didn't want any contact with the cops. I don't think blue hair guy is a good friend for my kid's, at all.

This new friend, has very different energy, is calm, measured, gracious and forthcoming. He has tatts, but no face tatts, arm tatts, and a nose ring, but, yeah, not gangsta looking like blue haired guy. I just think, that's too good to be true. Am I just paranoid? I don't know yet. We'll see. I might just be too cynical about people, in general.

 

[Sideways]

The friend that wasn't out on the town high and getting into fights, but was there for the 2 hour drive to the hospital & stayed for the hard work? That's the one I'd be inviting to stay for lunch:)

 

[mumstheword]

The friend that wasn't out on the town high and getting into fights, but was there for the 2 hour drive to the hospital & stayed for the hard work? That's the one I'd be inviting to stay for lunch:)

I gave him a mango, and a glass of water, that's all I could manage at the time, but, yeah, he so deserves the lunch and I'll have to do that, I might even see if he's ok for Chrissy, and if doing it alone, invite him over.